still haven't learned how to deal!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
still haven't learned how to deal!!!
4
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 11:03pm
After 4 years, my heart still loves today and knowingly ahead of time for sure it will break tomorrow. An everyday affair, so deeply involved, my best friend, and I am his, we share everything except for the same last name. I mean everything, two separate lives he lives. How did things ever get so carried away? We both can't let go, this has become normal, a normal way of life. I go to therapy, and it helps. I have made the discision that the happiness out weighs the sadness, gut wrenching pain......I feel what i gain with him is better part time, than no time at all. Actually we spend more time, on the clock and in quality ways than most married people. I am continuing knowing maybe it will always be this way, or maybe I will finally have him 100% But I do know this, if you have someone;s heart, then you have them. I would rather be me, the one he comes to then the one he leaves. and yes he leaves me too, but with no lies. That i couldn;t deal with. I know where i stand, no definite promises, only what we share is the best and the worst feeling in the world. How can I make myself ignore the hurtfulness??????????? I do go on everyday with my children, I consider myself a very good mom, trying to not let this rollercoaster control my life. But the nights alone missing him are the hardest. In way too deep, to let go,,,we have tried. we really have, and everytime it leads us right back to one another...Stronger than ever. I do believe somethings were just meant to be. I had the so called perfect marriage that most women dream of, but the bond, intimate connection was not there. I did get 6 healthy children out of that marriage, each and everyone of them, the joy of my life. But what i have experienced with my MM, is what my heart has always wished for. I love him so deeply and there just is no staying away, if I give up and walk away, i am walking away with only half myself........Cause he holds so much of me. This really stinks too!!!!!!!!!!!! As you all know, holidays, lonely nights, sometimes sights of the two of them,,,,it is like being tortured over and over again...I don;t want to be without him, he makes me who i want to be and how i want to feel. I do love myself, but he makes me love myself more. He makes my life complete. Even part time. Sorry to go on and on,,,i just need maybe one or two bits of advice on any distraction ideas or thoughts when i am on the down swing, it sometimes is only one night until tomorrow's up swing, but it can seem like eternity.....I know me and there is no getting past this, over this or ending this. Because i stongly feel you can only do something successfully if you truly want it. which i don;t. How to stop the rollercoaster of feelings.????????? I know the score, I know where I stand....But my mind wanders soooooooooooo very much...Thank you to anyone for reading and trying to help....love dreamingawake2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 7:36pm
I think I could have wrote that myself, only change the 4 years to 2...

I don't think there is any real way to stop the down rollercoaster completely. I have my days when it is really bad, but have come to believe that those down days are necessary. I *need* to spend some time thinking it all over, to make sure that here is where I really want to be. Obviously, I don't want to be the OW. I would prefer to have it all, who wouldn't??!! But to not have him in my life, that thought is still too unbearable. I know I may reach that point sometime. When the bad days outweigh the good? When the love he gives me isn't enough to get me by anymore?

I spend the off days, the days I don't WANT to think but am anyway..working to exhaustion!!!! Doing the "guy" stuff around the house helps. Very liberating to feel like I really don't need a man around!

I just try to remember how much I do love him, and he loves me. It does feel meant to be. But I'm waiting for the end of the story....does meant to be mean "meant to be forever, or for now"?? Only time will tell. But I believe that no matter what, I will be happy in the end, with or without him.

Thanks for writing this today. I needed to hear that someone else was feeling the same way. Hope I could help some.

CFH

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 12:09pm
I know exactly what your going thru. I am having more downs than

ups and it is only been 6 months for me. I am totally in

love all the way. If he called me and said leave with me now

I would in a heart beat.

We are both married, me 18yrs and he 10yrs, no kids just the

spouses. I am on cloud 9 when I get an e-mail or phone call,

when I do not hear from him all day, I could die.

It does not seem to be getting better for me emotionally. Boston

and Bis have helped me so much, maybe they will be able

to reply also.

I know what it is like to be consumed by someone you are

emotionally tied to, maybe more that physically. We have not

phsycally been all the way just hugs and petting, but the

emotional state is worse that the physical, I feel.

I also bury myself during the week in work, and the weekends

not even talking much to my H, don't even want to be around

anyone. It is a terible feeling. I have tried to get into

hobby's..helps a little, but I miss him so......

Keep in touch, and maybe the guys out there can shed their

light on you like they did me.

Good Luck:

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 1:31pm
hi dream. sweetie, you're in non-normal R, an A. i'm sure you probably started out in the R attracted to each other and all the flirting, talking, affection, etc. and now it has evolved into a love R/A. but you knew all along that the R/A was part-time, on-the-side, not the primary R.

thank goodness you have your children and your own life to keep you busy and sane. you cannot sit around going over and over the "what ifs" -- why waste your time? it is what it is -- an A. if you're so unhappy, then you should end it and move on. otherwise, be realistic. MM is giving you as much of himself as he can.

focus on the positive aspects of your R with MM. and embrace them! relax and enjoy the time and attention you have with MM, instead of wishing and wanting more. to ask for more is futile and depressing. remember, the R glass is half full!!

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 7:35pm
Thank you for putting ALL my feelings and emotions about my A into such expressive words. Your R sounds so much like mine (though mine is 1/1 2 yrs) and your feelings mirror my own. There is so much good that outweights so much pain of being apart from him. He calls me his "princess of all seasons" and makes me feel just like one. To walk away would be killing myself inside. He has become my heart and soul, the love of my life and my best friend. Though he makes no promises as to the future he makes so much time in the todays for us to just be together. He tells me he loves me each time we talk (every day usually 3-4 times) and each time we see each other (3-4 times each week). Now that a weekend is approaching it is a very lonely time for me. Though he will call seeing each other will probably not happen. Nights, holidays and weekends are so difficult. But we are going to be together overnight for 2 nights a week from now. That is what will get me through this weekend knowing next Sunday night we will be in each others arms.... I can't believe I am 43 yrs old and a mother and can feel just like a giggly teenager with him. Sorry for going on but Friday nights are tough and just needed to vent and vent. Just want to one day look forward to the weekend instead of just trying to get through it. Uh oh here comes the tears.... Thanks for listening.