Still trying to figure it all out

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Still trying to figure it all out
2
Mon, 12-22-2008 - 5:59pm

Hi everyone,

I'm kind of just talking to myself here...getting it all down in point form so that I'm not deliberately misunderstanding stuff that I know very well is true.

I thought I had a fantastic marriage...got married at 20 after only knowing him for 7 months...and it worked for almost 25 years! Yes, there were moments when I thought maybe I need out but then things resolved themselves (or so I thought) and we continued on. I think we thought we were both very happy.

Then....a man that I've know for a very long time (but had never looked at in a romantic light before) ran his hand across my stomach and told me how sexy I looked...from that moment on I was hooked. I asked him what he was thinking, hitting on me like that...he tried to deny it but finally admitted it and that he had wanted to do it for many years now. We had an amazing conversation that night and we both opened up to each other. We confided our deepest, darkest secrets...stuff I hadn't even completely told my H about! Even then it did not get physical, although it did happen only a few days later. We connected on almost every level you could imagine, every time we talked we found something else that we had in common. We went through a D-day (on my end) and even after all that trauma, and there was a ton of it as my H confronted AP/BF in the pub...in front of many witnesses...my AP/BF stood by me. He was so tender with me at that time, told me he thought about me 24/7, he was worried that I wasn't taking care of myself, etc....I was so happy. We have spent so much time together...we've fought and made up time and time again. And he's still there. He is so loving and wonderful and then it's like he catches himself and backs off (as they all do, don't they?) and eventually he's right back to being loving and generous and thoughtful. I need this man in my life but I am going crazy. I am lonely and I don't want to be, I don't think I need to be.

Why would he rather be in a completely dysfunctional, loveless marriage than with someone who loves him so much? Why? Why? It hurts.

Sorry, holidays are getting me down...don't know if I'll see him, don't know if I want to even :(

benska

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Mon, 12-22-2008 - 10:03pm

As someone who is choosing to stay in my dysfunctional marriage even though some days I don't know what I'm thinking, there are two real reasons that I stay. One is security. My H is what I know and we have a life together. I am not really interested in changing everything about my life right now, which I would have to do if I wanted to leave H. So . . . maybe complacency is a better way to put it. I am complacent in my M, and that's reason enough for me not to rock the boat by leaving. Secondly, it's a very, very big sense of obligation. H is the father of my children and he really loves me and wants to make our marriage work, so I feel like I have an obligation to try as well.


I'm sure neither of my reasons make you feel any better about your AP wanting to stay in his M, but I just thought I'd put it out there.

 

 

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2008
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 10:00am

First time posting in this message board....