STOP THE AFFAIR! Trust me

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2003
STOP THE AFFAIR! Trust me
9
Wed, 11-05-2003 - 9:09pm
For all of you out there who say you're in love and can't stop the A, please hear me out. I was with MM for almost 11 months. I was M, but separated since April. HE is M with 2 boys (7 and 3). We admitted we were in love, and had a wonderful relationhip. We worked together, talked all the time, and saw each other often. We agreed we were complete for each other. It was wonderful! Well, last week my H called his wife and said he had a PI on us! We we got busted. His W called me to confront me and MM kept telling me to lie to her, so I kept lying, then MM kept telling her more stuff. He went to "nothing happend", to "we just kissed", to "she gave me one blow job", to "we had sex once". I started having nightmares about all the lying! She called me again yesterday, and I was a wreck. I started crying and told her the truth. I spared her details, but told her about the A. I cound't stand all the lying--it was overwhelming me-I couldn't live with myself. Then she suprised me and conferenced MM in! Well....

He denied the whole A and said I was lying! He said I was more into him than he was to me. He first said he didn't love me, then admitted he said it to me. He kept saying I was a liar. My whole world fell apart. She then asked him one more time how many times we had sex, he said 3 , and she got upset and off the phone because he lied again. We had sex well over 30 times, and I thought it was making love, not sex because of the feelings we had. He later called me screaming at me that we never did nayting and he won't speak to me again expect for work stuff. So, all you women out there, he sold me down the river. Last week, I was in his arms, and he told me he loved me, and now, he's charaterizing me as a liar and that I made it up! My therapist says MM and his wife are in denial and they're nuts. I tend to agree now. Therapist said he'll come back, but I should not let him. I at first felt bad about saying anyting, but my therapist said I did the noble thing and he sold me out. But I want to forgive him for selling me out, but he was so mean to me! I'm so extremely devastated about this.

So, please take my word for it. I know you love, I know you want to wait for him, and you think he'll leave, but he won't. I thought my MM was different from stories I heard, but he's not. When all was said and done he sold me out to cover his butt! I'm hurting so much, I mad for falling for him, for trusting him. A's are too dangerous. And people, whether one or both, get hurt in the end. So, if he loves you, and you love him, leave him alone until his marriage is over then pursue it. But please don't do it while he's married. Because if she finds out, I'm afraid he'll sell you out too!

Good luck to all..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Wed, 11-05-2003 - 11:16pm
Wow... it sounds like you're living a nightmare! Your advice is probably very good. I think everyone knows that there is a chance that they will get caught. And I think quite a few would be tempted to tell their spouse that the A was not as meaningful, intense, frequent, etc. as it was to save the M. You sound like your in the worse-case-scenario (spelling?) though. HUGS..
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Wed, 11-05-2003 - 11:23pm
Thanks for taking the time to share your story and give others warning during what must be an unimaginably painful and confusing time for you. I am so sorry...

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 9:05am
You are clearly living out all of our worse nightmares...Im glad to hear that your therapist is in your corner as you need that reassurance like you need air right now. It's unfortunate that your MM "sold you down the river" but I suppose you could let this be a lesson learned about him and his character....I wouldnt let go of all of the good memories and good times the two of you had - just learn from it all..


cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 1:28pm
I'm sorry that this happened to you.... I guess I would expect that behavior, sadly, just because I think your MM is trying to extract himself from you and cover up for his bad behavior. How else do you think he thinks he's going to hold on to the life he created with his W? By totally lying to her now to cover up! I guess if I were in his shoes, I'd might be inclined to do the same thing - I'm sure your story isn't probably that rare. I think it's the shock factor, plus a survival thing. I doubt he ever thought his W would find out about you and now to save his neck, he's ready to hang you out on a string and deny his feelings for you because how can he possibly keep his M together if he professes his love for you in front of his W? I know I'm rationalizing for him, and sticking up for him in a way, and I don't mean to, but I'm just trying to explain. Having an EMA is a major-major decision, and you have to be prepared to take the bad with the good - I think most people know that, but until something goes wrong, those thoughts just reside in the back of our heads and we just enjoy the stolen moments as they come. (No pun intended!) Any way, I wish you the best as you try to pick up the pieces. I'm sorry that it had to end this way for you - you not only have to deal with the loss of a relationship, but now I'm sure you feel completely betrayed - a double whammy. Take it one day at a time and just keep us posted on how you are doing. Take care!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 6:03pm
Wow... it really stinks when someone you trusted and thought you knew show his/her true colors.

Thank you lucky stars that you already had a therapist in your life!

Keep your chin up and check out this message board. They are also in the break-up stage.


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlending

Aquagirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2003
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 6:05pm
Thanks to all for your support. I really appreciate the fact that you took time to read my message and give me feedback-it's comforting and I need that right now. Well, Tuesday was bad, yesterday was ok cause I was in an all-day meeting.

Today was the first time I saw MM since Tuesday, when this whole thing happened. We work together so it's inevitable. I ignored him, but he eventually came into my office and shut the door. He gave me some work stuff and asked how I was doing. I just kept saying "it's just work". He eyes teared up and he said "you're acting as if you don't even know me". I replied, "well, you're my imaginary friend, right?"-being sarcastic because he said I was lying about the whole A to his wife.

Then, we were on a work conference call and he kicked the chair I was in and smiled, and I didn't show emotion to that. Then he came back into my office and said he was sorry for yelling and that he was upset I said things to his wife that he told me in trust. I told him I didn't tell her details, but she is manipulative and got me to say things (she's really good at that). I said I was upset that he called me a liar and that I almost had a breakdown and had to see my therpist because I really thought I was going crazy after he accused me of lying. MM said he was sorry. He also told me he's not living at home anymore. (But I think they're still going to counseling this weekend).

I'm really trying to be strong. My 2 friends that know about it are telling me to ignore him, but the conversation we had was so naturally flowing, like are old coversations. But I'm trying to be tough and want to hate him so much but I can't. There is a tender side to him, but he betrayed me and I can't forgive that now.

I'll have to take one day at a time... thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-07-2003 - 11:57am
teenbean, please be strong and be civil to MM, let's all!!

good luck, honey,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Fri, 11-07-2003 - 4:36pm
Hello teenbean sorry to hear about your situation.good Luck!Really good advice on telling everyone in the same situation to stop,but I think it's easier said then done.I know I want to end the a I'm in for my familys sake but I can't for I to feel like I'm in love all over again.My om isn't m yet but is engaged.I keep hoping he doesn't take that step.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2003
Fri, 11-07-2003 - 5:36pm
Thanks to all. We'll, it's his 10-year anniversary today. I'm wondering if they're gonna go out. She kicked him out of the house, but anything is possible. I miss him.....