struggling

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
struggling
11
Mon, 04-27-2009 - 8:55am

My OM and I have had a few talks where I have been trying to convince him that we need to end our A. He swears up and down he is willing to do whatever it takes to keep us going. But I dont know that I can do it any longer.


I am tired of the ongoing fear I have, the dread of maybe being found out. Whats funny is my OM played the devils advocate about a month ago, while we were sorta ending things then, he was trying to make see clearly the dangers of continuing our A and I kept telling him i was ok, I could handle it, I didnt want to hear his words. I convinced him I could continue this, but then I had another scare, totally internalized by my guilt, nothing actually happened, but I went through a panic attack with thoughts of the what ifs, I was filled with anxiety yet again.


I came to realize that I dont think I can keep doing this. I hate that feeling, my heart in my throat wondering what has been found out or who saw us etc..It starts to wear on you after time and we have been in this for 7 years. But just recently his D came into play and has really caused me to realize I should let him go so he can move on, even though he says he has thought it through and wants to just stay with our A and him not look for someone full time.


I have this ongoing fear about him growing tired of doing that in time. he says he wont, but you cant count on what time with

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
In reply to: hobbi02
Mon, 04-27-2009 - 10:07am

It sounds to me like you need a break, if only to sort out your own emotions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
In reply to: hobbi02
Mon, 04-27-2009 - 10:54am

thank you for your reply. you hit the nail on the head when you said "It's not about you not trusting him, but your own nagging suspiscion that you are not worthy." I can not make myself believe that he will want to stay with me, in time, when he does come across another woman who may turn his head and especially one that will be free to date and be with him, liike I can not be.


But more so, I am tired of the worry and deception and the lying all the time. It has taken a toll on me and even though he wants to continue it and swears he is ok with me being part time, I dont know that I can do this any longer.


Has anyone else just plain and simply gotten tired of all the work the A involves? Even though I do love him, I am tired of all that the

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
In reply to: hobbi02
Mon, 04-27-2009 - 11:03am
one more thing.....Now that he is divorced, I feel pulled in all directions, having to do for my family and
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
In reply to: hobbi02
Mon, 04-27-2009 - 12:42pm

My friend Secret said it well.

It does sound like you need to take a few steps back. That way you can evaluate where YOU are in YOUR life without any influences from the outside.

Jealousy is a terrible thing, but you really do either have to trust him or let him go. Either he means what he says about not wanting anyone else or he is going to find someone else. You have no control over that and constantly worrying is only going to continue to effect you and all of your relationships negatively.

If you are feeling overwhelmed and spread too thin, then only you can fix that. It seems like maybe you are a care giver. Being one of those, I know how it feels to want to make sure all of your loved ones are getting all of their needs met. The thing is? Sometimes they are more than capable of doing for themselves. Let them. It won't be easy to let go, but I do believe you will feel better. Maybe use this stepping back period with OM as your starting point for letting him fend for himself a little.

~Shadowz
~Shadowz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
In reply to: hobbi02
Mon, 04-27-2009 - 10:05pm
I am a care giver. And I do want to make everyone happy. But I feel like I am doing a half-assed job at it with H and OM.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: hobbi02
Tue, 04-28-2009 - 12:53am

Hi Hobbi


Worrying about discovery, lying and deceiving, living a double life


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
In reply to: hobbi02
Tue, 04-28-2009 - 8:06am

my om's marriage ended due to that discovery for him. when he plays devils advocate with me he has said those very words. he has told me he has lived it and doesnt want me to go through it. but at those times in the past couple of months i have chosen to close my ears to what he says because i dont want to hear it and because i was convincing myself it would not happen to me.


once the D became final and the jealousy issues came full force

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: hobbi02
Tue, 04-28-2009 - 10:22am

Good morning :)


I hope a good night's sleep has given you some clarity.


Hobbi...you


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2009
In reply to: hobbi02
Tue, 04-28-2009 - 2:32pm
Breathe and ((((hugs)))).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
In reply to: hobbi02
Tue, 04-28-2009 - 2:50pm

thanks torn. how long have you been together and has SM been single the whole time?


we've been together for 7 years and he has only recently become single (like a couple months since the ink dried) . Funny thing is, i really think if he had remained married, i wouldnt be where i am right now.

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