struggling
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| Mon, 04-27-2009 - 8:55am |
My OM and I have had a few talks where I have been trying to convince him that we need to end our A. He swears up and down he is willing to do whatever it takes to keep us going. But I dont know that I can do it any longer.
I am tired of the ongoing fear I have, the dread of maybe being found out. Whats funny is my OM played the devils advocate about a month ago, while we were sorta ending things then, he was trying to make see clearly the dangers of continuing our A and I kept telling him i was ok, I could handle it, I didnt want to hear his words. I convinced him I could continue this, but then I had another scare, totally internalized by my guilt, nothing actually happened, but I went through a panic attack with thoughts of the what ifs, I was filled with anxiety yet again.
I came to realize that I dont think I can keep doing this. I hate that feeling, my heart in my throat wondering what has been found out or who saw us etc..It starts to wear on you after time and we have been in this for 7 years. But just recently his D came into play and has really caused me to realize I should let him go so he can move on, even though he says he has thought it through and wants to just stay with our A and him not look for someone full time.
I have this ongoing fear about him growing tired of doing that in time. he says he wont, but you cant count on what time with

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