Struggling to End It

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Struggling to End It
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 10:21pm

Hi there.  I found your message board online a few days ago and so many of your stories resonate with me.

It sound like many of you have struggled to end your affair, but keep getting pulled back in.

I tried to end mine a few days ago.  My AP has been out of the country for several weeks and we have had 2+ weeks of online arguing and contentious e-mails being sent back and forth.  I came to the realization that it needed to end just a few days ago.  My AP is very logical and we both agree that the relationship - as is, is currently dysfunctional and unhealthy.  We are at a crossroads, do we try and find a way to "fix it" or end it?  I thought cutting off all communication, blocking him from e-mail, FB, instagram and everything else I could think of, would work.  We both ended up distraught and had a very teary videoconference yesterday.  We decided to talk in a few days (after he's back) and process everything.

Here's some history:

Both of us are married.  His wife is in some sort of new-age cult (Universal Medicine) and for the last five years has changed in just about every aspect of her life.  Her diet, sex life, etc.  So, in January, my AP decided he was going to have an affair.  He's been married 25 years and has been faithful.  I think he might be having a bit of a mid-life (he is 50) but he's also unhappy at home.  He and the wife have had conversations about splitting up.  Their youngest child is 11.    I met him in early May, at the perfect time.  I haven't been "happy" at home but my husband is a good person, father and provider.  I found out a few years ago that he had been sleeping with prostitutes while we were geographically separated.  I guess I was looking for "revenge."  What I found was an intelligent, unhappy man with whom I had a lot in common.  We are in love with each other, however, I'm wondering if it's just "affair love."  We've talked about the future and his answers are always, "I see several scenarios, I leave my wife and we are together, we have a long-term affair and it ends or we have a short-term affair and it ends."  We agree that if it's either of the latter two options, we will both be devastated.

So, after I "ended" things a few days ago, I was a wreck.  I haven't cleaned the house, bought groceries or anything.  (I'm a stay-at-home mom that used to work in the IT industry.)  I have been a complete mess.  After a few days of this, I couldn't stop myself from contacting him.  He has contacted me through a mutual friend and my first reply was "I don't want to talk to him."  Then, I thought about it for a while and I reached out to him.  This brings me to the present moment.

I absolutely cannot continue this emotional roller coaster.  I always thought an affair was supposed to be fun and make me feel good about myself (it did at first but now I feel dreadful).  My AP has always been good about being in touch and we have a good bit of time together each week (except when he is traveling).  We recently spent 4 days together at a conference (we are both photographers and that gives us the opportunity for getting away.)  I think things were going great until this time we have recently spent apart.  After four days of fairytale bliss, he went away to the US.  His first stop was Burning Man (a drug/sex/hippie fest in the desert of Nevada) for four days.  He went there because it was on his "bucket list" and also to get some photos of the event.  The first few photos were disturbing (naked women) to me....and he said he had two women proposition him for sex (which he declined).  I'm already very insecure due to my husband's hooker issue so this did not go over well with me.  After that, I found out he had been e-mailing an old friend.  This old friend was a potential "target" of his when he was contemplating the affair.  Nothing happened, but over the last few weeks, I have become insanely jealous and have insinuated or accused him of being just short of unfaithful to me.  (Yes, it's a very hypocritical statement for me to make.)  I have basically turned a fun, loving A into a relationship of jealousy, insecurity, mistrust and confrontation.  It cannot continue as neither one of us can keep feeling like this.

The thing is, I KNOW it needs to end, but I don't want it to.  I love him.  And, he loves me.  I KNOW it's not reality and that the chances of him leaving his spouse of 25+ years is most likely not going to happen.  (She may dump HIM, but he won't leave her.)  And honestly, I'm not sure I'd leave mine for him.  I made a list of the things I don't like about my AP...and it was long.  So, WHY am I still so addicted to this relationship, even after it's turned toxic!?

I'm supposed to meet with him in five days - at a park so there is no way anything physical can happen.  I set it up this way deliberately.  We are going to talk about our "options."  We both really do KNOW what needs to be done...but it is SO HARD.  I spent the entire last few days crying over this...losing sleep...not eating....all of that.  It's like someone died.

Any advice you can give is very much appreciated.  Please help me end this addiction and this A.




Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 10:51pm
I feel your pain. Big ((hug)) It is supposed to be fun. When we put our emotions into it, it becomes work sustaining it. The deeper in, the more you "fall" but like all relationships, you can fall hard too and it hurts. You need to take care of yourself and do you. Eat and don't get sick over him.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 12:10pm

Hi addicted,

I've read your post, and I plan on replying in more depth. I am at work right now so can't really do it justice.


Hang in there!



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 9:08pm

If you aren't committed to it ending, it isn't going to end.  XAP & I had the conversation several times in the 1st couple years of keeping it "uncomplicated" and going back to not letting feelings get too much in the way.  It sounded all neat & nice, but here we are 6 yrs into this.  I think an A can be healthy - I'm sure a lot of people will disagree with me.  But if you're committed to each other, have a lot of communication and truly support what's best for one another, you can almost keep its head above water.  It takes a TON of work way beyond wanting it to just feel euphoric.  Are you in love with him or the way he makes you feel when he's showing you affection?  I'm not in any way trying to make light of your feelings, and I know what you're going through is painful.  I just picked up on the words "addicted" and "willpower" in your post.  What are you wanting this A to be for you?

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 6:44pm
Itstime... I give you lots of props. I couldn't live next to AP, it would kill me. Although I am sure it has it's perks. Don't you just love being ignored?! :smileywink:


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Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 6:46pm
When you figure out healthy and sustainable you let me know. Lol. Is it possible? I am sure it is.


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