Struggling...is it over or not??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2010
Struggling...is it over or not??
4
Mon, 03-15-2010 - 7:53pm

New here, and never thought I would be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Tue, 03-16-2010 - 8:01am

Welcome to MAS, emeraldgirl!

E-mail is a tough place to sort out problems or differences in perception. It's very easy to misunderstand someone when there is no tone of voice or facial expression. It seems like you will have to be patient and have a long conversation in person or on the phone to get this straightened out.

But basically, what I'm hearing from his words is that he wants something "easy" from you - no pressure, no tension. What that means is that he doesn't want you to get upset if he breaks his word about when he will call, e-mail, whatever - he wants you to feel like it doesn't really matter - that you will be happy to hear from him whenever he wants to contact you. He probably figures he has enough with pressure and expectations with his wife, he doesn't want it from you too.

It seems to me that you want more than that type of relationship, and he can tell, even if you've told him otherwise.

It's very hard to go backward in any relationship. You were at a point that you were discussing a future (even if it was in a fantasy sense) and now he just wants something "easy breezy". Think about whether you can really "go backward" like that! You say that you love each other, but obviously he loves his wife more and has put his priority with her. I don't see that changing. If you really think you can accept these "new rules", then go for it! But don't pretend that you're going to be "easy breezy" and then get all serious on him.

Think about what you want and need, and if he can't be that person, I would suggest you move on, hard as it might be to do! If you decide to stay, I expect to be seeing you around here. :-) We're always around to listen...

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Tue, 03-16-2010 - 10:36am

Hi Emeraldgirl,

I am a MM involved with a MW for close to 5 years.

I just wanted to add a little support to something that lexione wrote in response to your post,

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You need to take that point to heart and dig deep to ask yourself if you could tolerate that. I am at that very point my my A, and I have to tell you that it is extremely difficult. Early on in our involvement, my AP and I would talk about having a future together. Sure, we started with the whole, "I don't want to leave my spouse" thing, but as with any emotional relationship, the fantasy took over. We've gone through the normal ups and downs that as a part of an A, but I always felt that we were working towards being together. Recently though, I have come to feel that my AP just wants something "easy breezy".

We speak/chat most days, see each other on occasion for a drink and she spends the night once or twice a month ( I moved out of my home and have my own apartment ). It's lovely when we have time together, but we've stopped talking about any future. Actually, she has stopped talking about any future, while I make it clear that I want to make a life with her. There are so many signs to me that she is moving backwards. I am trying to come to terms with them and decide if I can stay involved, but I know that it is hard to remove one's emotions when they are already so deeply entrenched.

Let me me plain and honest here, I know that I have always been involved in an A with her, and not a real relationship. As I read through these boards, I have come to think that getting involved emotionally with our AP is a defense mechanism for us to relieve some of the guilt we'd have if we were just having a sexual relationship. We delude ourselves, or maybe I delude myself, by saying that it's okay for us to be doing this because it's about love. I know that I have often felt okay because my AP and I were trying to "be together", rather than just having sex. We clearly enjoy each others company, we laugh a lot and we are comfortable together; it certainly feels like it is about more than just sex. However, as I see her going "backwards", it is becoming plainly obvious to me that all I am to her is "just an affair". That has hurt.

It makes it obvious that I am in the middle of her marriage and she in mine. In order to be with me, she needs to take time away from her H and son. I feel confused when she sends me an e-mail or text telling me that she loves me, knowing that her H is sitting nearby. I've lost any sense of what those words mean to her and any comfort that they provide me. I haven't ended it yet; like most A's, ending it will be complicated, but the shift in her attitude is clearly pointing out that there is no future here.

I share that with you, simply to reinforce, what lexione said,

<< If you really think you can accept these "new rules", then go for it! But don't pretend that you're going to be "easy breezy" and then get all serious on him.>>

For me, I have been seriously and deeply involved with my AP for quite some time. Going backwards feels impossible and I know I will never be comfortable with feeling less. You are at a point where you need to consider this very clearly and honestly. If you want more than he can give, be honest with yourself and protect your feelings. Whatever good feelings you get from the occasional "breeze" blowing through, ask yourself if it is worth the pain and heartache you will feel if you allow yourself to get deeply, seriously involved with him. Protect yourself and your emotions.

Good luck,

MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2010
Tue, 03-16-2010 - 10:37am
Thank you for your reply, lexione.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Tue, 03-16-2010 - 11:02am
I'm glad I could help sweetie. Don't miss Malepov's post after mine - I think you posted at the same time he did so you may have missed it. I think his post was more heartfelt than mine and you will get some more help with your situation. :-)
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You've got a lot of choices. I