I replied to your post yesterday and the situation is still the same. He has chosen her and his family and i think you need to bow out gracefully and accept it. Harping on at him will only make him resent you.
If you cant get over it, then you can sit and wait for him to change his mind and grow a set, but it seems that after 3 DDays, the W has won each time and will continue to win in this battle of wills. He isnt strong enough to make the break completely as the children are involved and maybe its time you saw it for what it is. The game of tug-of-war isnt going to do anything but hurt him. HE needs to make the decision and not because you are begging and pleading. It needs to be because he wants to.
Im so sorry that its not working out the way you want, but sometimes things are not meant to be. Soulmates are sometimes already married and obligation to family will win out over love. Happened to me too.
Bitsy I feel for you (((hugs))) - I'm not saying what I'm saying is the case but I've been down this road, so here goes.
Sometimes MM pull this because they really want out of the A. They've had their 'fill' of us and are looking for an exit. Unfortunate but true, they can talk 'soulmate' etc. when what they are really after is booty. They're dogs is what they are, most if not all of them.
So when they want out it's dday time and they rush back to Mommy and their excuse to us is, I've got to stay for my kids, etc. - all virtuous now.
Like I said not saying this is the case with your MM but hard as it can be, I think staying clear and getting past it is the best thing. With MM it's best to go by what they DO, not what they SAY.
I have a friend in a similar situation and her AP always comes back after he gets sick of the wife. That might happen with your AP, too. The thing you have to ask yourself is, do you want to continue on this roller coaster ride with your AP or move on to a healthier relationship? My friend has only been in it for 6 months. After 2 years, all the promises,
All i can suggest now for you bitsy is to give him the "out" he needs. Clearly he is at odds with his emotions vs his family and no matter how bad his W makes him feel, if he were serious about you he would move heaven and earth to be with you. IMO, men who are ruled by their feelings will make the break and not settle for mediocre.
All this doesnt mean he does not love you, but that he loves his children more and that is a sad but good thing.
You dont need to rush out and date. Take time for yourself again and concentrate on your kids and you for a little while. If you go to the Healing Library and resources section, there is a post titled "The 180" This is for when your SO asks for space. I would give him time to be at home fully and realize for himself what life without you really means. Dont play games or be bitter as he needs to sort his own home out, but dont be readliy available so he can get his fix and then go home to DW. Making yourself open to any chance he wants to see you does not get the point across that when he chooses to stay with W, an A with you is no longer acceptable. You need all or nothing now as you cannot go on being in this tough situation of "come here, go away" he has now.
Counselling can help too. Voicing what you have gone through to an impartial 3rd party can also give some clarity to your plight and could give you the answers you need.
He really seems like a decent guy but one that has made a family and now cannot justify breaking it up just for love- no matter how strong.
I have found the link and feel that you may struggle with some of the suggestions on there, but they are really to benefit you. As with any healing, it does take time to get over emotional wounds so take it easy on yourself and just live a day at a time. Be thankful for what you have today rather than what you do not have. Time doesnt really heal by itself. You need to help yourself.
I have pasted the link to another place you may find useful - The Healing Library on the EAS board. If you do consider ending this A, be aware that on the EAS board, they are fully committed to NC (non contact) and if you arent certain that you want to do that just yet, i suggest not posting there. Reading about many others ending stories and the daily internal fights they have within themselves will be a comfort so you wont feel so alone. When you do decide that your A is over for good, the people on EAS will welcome you with open arms and support you wholehartedly.
EAS does not like to give warm and fuzzys to people still in As or flip-flopping/on the fence. EAS is for people that have decided on ending and need that support to regain the sense of "the fog" lifting concerning an A. They are like your BFFs and sisters telling you what a $hit this man is and they keep you reinforcing your decisions to leave and reminding you that you need and deserve more than scraps. They are a wonderful group and back you 110% if you are firm in NC. If you choose to keep seeing AP, then for all intents and purposes, you are still engaged in the A to a point so needing an ending support isnt where you are at.
After Affair Support and Both Sides are great in gaining insight from either side too.
I replied to your post yesterday and the situation is still the same. He has chosen her and his family and i think you need to bow out gracefully and accept it. Harping on at him will only make him resent you.
If you cant get over it, then you can sit and wait for him to change his mind and grow a set, but it seems that after 3 DDays, the W has won each time and will continue to win in this battle of wills. He isnt strong enough to make the break completely as the children are involved and maybe its time you saw it for what it is. The game of tug-of-war isnt going to do anything but hurt him. HE needs to make the decision and not because you are begging and pleading. It needs to be because he wants to.
Im so sorry that its not working out the way you want, but sometimes things are not meant to be. Soulmates are sometimes already married and obligation to family will win out over love. Happened to me too.
Good Luck and ((hugs))
SB
Bitsy I feel for you (((hugs))) - I'm not saying what I'm saying is the case but I've been down this road, so here goes.
Sometimes MM pull this because they really want out of the A. They've had their 'fill' of us and are looking for an exit. Unfortunate but true, they can talk 'soulmate' etc. when what they are really after is booty. They're dogs is what they are, most if not all of them.
So when they want out it's dday time and they rush back to Mommy and their excuse to us is, I've got to stay for my kids, etc. - all virtuous now.
Like I said not saying this is the case with your MM but hard as it can be, I think staying clear and getting past it is the best thing. With MM it's best to go by what they DO, not what they SAY.
-jana
SB...Thank you!
I appreciate your support.
Thank you.
All i can suggest now for you bitsy is to give him the "out" he needs. Clearly he is at odds with his emotions vs his family and no matter how bad his W makes him feel, if he were serious about you he would move heaven and earth to be with you. IMO, men who are ruled by their feelings will make the break and not settle for mediocre.
All this doesnt mean he does not love you, but that he loves his children more and that is a sad but good thing.
You dont need to rush out and date. Take time for yourself again and concentrate on your kids and you for a little while. If you go to the Healing Library and resources section, there is a post titled "The 180" This is for when your SO asks for space. I would give him time to be at home fully and realize for himself what life without you really means. Dont play games or be bitter as he needs to sort his own home out, but dont be readliy available so he can get his fix and then go home to DW. Making yourself open to any chance he wants to see you does not get the point across that when he chooses to stay with W, an A with you is no longer acceptable. You need all or nothing now as you cannot go on being in this tough situation of "come here, go away" he has now.
Counselling can help too. Voicing what you have gone through to an impartial 3rd party can also give some clarity to your plight and could give you the answers you need.
He really seems like a decent guy but one that has made a family and now cannot justify breaking it up just for love- no matter how strong.
I wish you the best. Please keep us updated.
SB
Hi SB -
I really appreciate all your words of wisdom!
I have found the link and feel that you may struggle with some of the suggestions on there, but they are really to benefit you. As with any healing, it does take time to get over emotional wounds so take it easy on yourself and just live a day at a time. Be thankful for what you have today rather than what you do not have. Time doesnt really heal by itself. You need to help yourself.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rladultery&msg=47524.1
I have pasted the link to another place you may find useful - The Healing Library on the EAS board. If you do consider ending this A, be aware that on the EAS board, they are fully committed to NC (non contact) and if you arent certain that you want to do that just yet, i suggest not posting there. Reading about many others ending stories and the daily internal fights they have within themselves will be a comfort so you wont feel so alone. When you do decide that your A is over for good, the people on EAS will welcome you with open arms and support you wholehartedly.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&ctx=256&cacheTag=x21-52&ld=11%2F28%2F2009+16%3A10&mp=50&sts=12%2F11%2F2009+9%3A22%3A09+AM
I wish you the strength to start taking care of you first.
SB
SB-
Thank you!
EAS does not like to give warm and fuzzys to people still in As or flip-flopping/on the fence. EAS is for people that have decided on ending and need that support to regain the sense of "the fog" lifting concerning an A. They are like your BFFs and sisters telling you what a $hit this man is and they keep you reinforcing your decisions to leave and reminding you that you need and deserve more than scraps. They are a wonderful group and back you 110% if you are firm in NC. If you choose to keep seeing AP, then for all intents and purposes, you are still engaged in the A to a point so needing an ending support isnt where you are at.
After Affair Support and Both Sides are great in gaining insight from either side too.