Such Confusion.....
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| Sun, 01-17-2010 - 9:40pm |
Let me preface this by apologizing for the length of my rant. Even though I have just started, my story isn't short nor my rant although I'll do my best to keep it interesting enough to get you to the end so I can have outside advice.
I am one of the "rare" women who's MM did end up leaving his W for me. Bit of quick history of us- we met at work. I was single, he was married but was here from the East coast and was here for a couple of months. Our affair was easy to get away with because his family was several states away. We spent every waking moment together, even found ways to be together at work. When I moved into a new house with my kids, he moved in with us, still not officially living here. His W ended up finding out about the affair and demanded he come home, 2 months into our relationship. He went home, but couldn't stay away from me. He would fly back and forth for about a month, using working here as an excuse. To complicate the story more, I ended up pregnant which was hardly possible considering I had tubes tied and ablation done. Regardless, I was. We lost the pregnancy shortly after we found out. About a month after his W found out about the affair he called me one evening & told me he was on his way here via automobile, that he had left his marriage (& 3 yr old son) to be with me. He's been here ever since.
Fast forward now 15 months. We are still together. He is still going through his divorce, it's almost over. The XW to be this entire past 15 months has not left him alone. She calls, emails, uses their son to try & get in contact with him. Out of guilt, he hasn't been too straight forward with her about not going back there. In fact, he has almost left the door slightly open- even to the point of telling her (a year ago) that he was going to try and find a way back to her, that he was unhappy here, blah blah blah. I found out & it all hit the fan. We have had numerous issues between us. Part of me has lost respect for him leaving his child- I mean, why wouldn't he leave me? He has no more loyalty to me then he did his son and he left so easily.
When he first moved here, he went through ALL my personal things- even went through my computer to find any and all information on me from 5 years ago then got mad at me for not telling him all about my past relationships. He was so paranoid that I was going to cheat on him that he started to forward my text msgs to his phone, checked my phone, email, etc constantly. I never have cheated on him. He acted like a complete lunatic but part of me understood this insecurity so I accepted this behavior from him. Eventually it stopped, although I am aware that he probably still checks up on me from time to time.
We are in counseling for our problems and have been to 3 sessions so far. The relationship has basically fallen apart. He has nothing to do with my children anymore, says he can't out of guilt of not being with his son and giving his attention to his own child. I call BS. My children certainly deserve more then this. He was out of work until a few months ago (gave up his business to move here and be with me) so I have paid all the bills and stil continue to even though he is working.
As I type this I can't believe I have accepted this behavior from him. I feel like the things I fell in love with him over are the things I hate about him now. I don't understand his jealousy or his insecurity about everything. I can hardly understand his double standards but he has them. I'm at such a loss right now that I don't even know what to do with the relationship.
We have both been married 2 times. I am at a point in my life where I don't want to start over again and believe most things can be worked through but I also realize I can't change him- only myself. The latest issue is that he has gotten involved with this online Dungeons & Dragons game and he gives ALL of him time to that, every day- like 9 hours a day. He played for 20 hours yesterday. He's not 12, he is almost 40 years old! He uses this as a method to escape from reality. I just want to pull my hair out.
I feel like I'm having to deal with all the bad karma from having an affair in the first place. By the way, in the beginning I did know he was married but he portrayed it to be almost over, about to separate and obviously none of that was true. I feel like he has probably lied to me about a lot of things I have yet to find out. I hate to sound cliche and say that I love him but I do... I just don't know how much longer I can hold onto to something like this. I deserve more then this!
Anyway, thank you for reading. Any words of wisdom are well appreciated. My Dad tells me I need to look at this as a business transaction and find out what he is contributing to the "business". When I look at it that way, the sad answer is nothing. Why do women like me hold on to something that's obviously not there? He says he loves me, wants to be here & wants this to work. Why do I feel like that's all I lie? Based on action, he shows me nothing!

This man is playing an on-line game for 20 hours a day, he doesn't work, doesn't like your kids and you are not M to him but holding on to him - why???
IMHO you should get this free-loading half of a man out of your house. What lesson are you showing your children? Send him back to his W and be careful what you ask for next time.
You are SO correct in all you said. WHAT AM I DOING? I don't even know what I am holding onto anymore. I think it's probably the hurt I don't want to deal with- now it's about convincing myself that this will hurt but I'll get over it. Staying with him will only hurt longer. I can't even talk to him anymore. He doesn't get it. I have never known anyone like him. Like with what just happened Friday night- he got caught lying to me about something, I confronted him & now I'm the bad guy. He tells me that I should be apologizing to him. For what? He said because of my reaction to him. I don't get that at all and it doesn't make one bit of sense to me. He tells me that I am impossible. And all he does is bring up the past over and over and over again. Things are so distorted between us that I can't even think straight anymore. It's like my brain has turned to mud. i know once out of the situation I can think so much clearer. I think that's probably my fear too- two things will happen if he leaves- I'll either realize this is stupid & worth salvaging OR I'll see that he did me a favor by leaving. Relationships are SO difficult. I was perfectly happy in my single world, raising my kids and in fact, told myself I was find with my life this way and that I didn't want a relationship. Then "Prince Charming" comes along and I end up eating my own words. Now I'm in the exact situation I didn't want to be in. Geez! It's so difficult- all the mind games only make matters worse. I just want to be free from all of this, and get a piece of myself back. I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like he has changed so many things about me like I've been brain washed. The minute I think that I get so angry at myself for being so weak. Love does stupid stupid things to people.
Thanks for the reply. Tough love is probably what I need right now- no sugar coating anything. That only delays the inevitable.
Thank you again...