Such mixed up feelings

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Such mixed up feelings
9
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 9:39pm
How can I be so completely happy one minute, when he's with me. But when he goes home at night to her, I fall to pieces. It's hard to breathe, I start to cry, & I can't stop. He's going to leave, I know he will. But that doesn't make the nights any easier. I'm tired of him sleeping next to her. But I'm afraid of pushing him too far. I need this to end, the part where he lives with her. I don't know, I'm just in a mood. You know PMS time. I hate these feelings. I won't give up on him, but during this time I don't know how to handle the nights. I'm on here alot. I can't even fall asleep at night without some sort of sleeping pill to knock me out. Because if I atempt to do it on my own, I'll lay there thinking of where and who he's laying next to. Should I tell him that I can't take anymore of these nights alone, knowing where he is? Is that too much to ask? My heart just is so tired of aching. Sometimes I'm not sure if it's the pms, or a normal reaction.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 10:24pm
The decision you have to make is hard. I've been with MM for four and a half yearrs now, and it's always been hard. We met at work, and we still work together. The only break in our relationship was when I was eight months pregnant in 2000, and my fiance was becoming a big part of my life. We still stayed friends, and when I came back from maternity leave, we ended up getting back together. I've loved him from pretty much the start. It kills me when he has to go home to her. However, I would rather have this type of relationship with him, than not have one at all. For the current moment it suits me just fine. I want him to be with me. I know he loves me. I just don't want to ruin his life. You have to choose what to do. If this is something that is always going to drag you down, and be a constant upset, then perhaps you should end it. If you can be strong enough to see where it goes, try it. But remember, things don't always work out the way you want to. Even though my MM says he loves me and wants to be with me; it doesn't mean that is going to happen now. Maybe in the future, or maybe not. Good luck with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:09am
I know exactly how you feel. That ache...the feeling that the pain is going to consume you and you can't get away from it. It does seem to be worse at certain times of the month, so don't make any hasty decisions right now. I'm trying to let go of my MM right now, but it's hard. It would be so much easier if we could just turn off our feelings and not think about our OM when they aren't around. Staying busy does seem to help. I've found when I'm alone I have too much time to dwell on things. But I know late at night, that's not possible. Just know that you aren't alone, and that we all go through these hard times.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 1:05pm
I believe that this is the universal problem when involved with MM. The rational side of me tells me that I went into this knowing that I was the OW, and that he had a life I would not be a part of, but it does not make it any easier. I agree with the other responses that you need to try to stay busy. Too much time alone with our thoughts allows the imagination free reign which will drive you crazy. Spend more time with friends or take up something new you have always wanted to try. I know this is hard because, if you are like me, you are worried that you might miss the opportunity to talk to or see him. I am guilty of trying to arrange my schedule around those possible moments when he will be available. When he is not available, I get upset, but it is my fault for setting myself up for disappointment.

I must confess, the nights are the worst and falling asleep sometimes seems to be more of a chore than it is worth. I tell myself that I can't do this any longer, the pain is just not worth it, but then I hear his voice and my resolve is renewed - at least for a little while. Perhaps the best thing to do - and yes, I need to take my own advice - is to figure out if the good out weights the bad. Are there more benefits to being in this relationship than negative aspects? How much have you invested - emotionally. It is amazing to me how some of the ladies (assuming the majority of those on this site are women) have been in their R's for years!!! I don't know if I can hang in that long, but we shall see.

saatty

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 1:12pm
Thanks Lilah,

I feel better this morning. But it made for a long night. He called me today from work, since I had the day off. He doesn't get off of work until 7:30 tonight, but I'm sure he'll come by after work. He told me he misses me. I still want so badly to tell him that I really think he needs to do it & soon. I don't see what he's waiting for. He doesn't even know himself. He's told me he just needs to do it. He's said he dosen't know what he's waiting for. That scares me alot. I'm so afraid that when he does leave she's going to go hysterical & he's going to crumble. I don't know what I'll do if that happens. He says it won't, but I don't think he has a clue as to how she'll act. Not that I do. You really never know how anyone is going to act in that situation. Maybe he'll get lucky and her pride will not let her beg. Oh how I hope so. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. That ache you talked about, it always seems to be there, it's just that sometimes it hurts worse then others. I wish I could be numb sometimes. But then again if that were the case, I'd miss out on the wonderful feeling I get when I'm with mm.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 3:06pm
I have told my MM numerous times that I am so thankful he's married too. If he weren't, I'd be having a tough time. It's a lot easier when you're both M and you know even if you were ready to leave, he might not be. Being the one person who has to make that decision has to be tough, especially with children involved. It's hard...it really is. I imagine he has waited and waited for the "right time" but nothing ever changes. It's like this movie "Adaptation" I saw, where Meryl Streep was unhappy and she was talking to a guy whose wife had left him after almost dying. She said, "If I almost died, I'd leave my marriage." He asked why and she said, "It's like a free pass. No one would judge you." Seems like you need some earth-shattering event to give you that reason, but really it probably will never happen. You just have to do it one day...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 4:12pm
Lilah I agree with you completely. My MM and I have talked about what it would be like if one of us were single. Although we would never know for sure how things would play out if that were the case, but we both agree that we would never let each other up for air let alone having to go to work everyday. LOL! It eliminates the conversations about leaving the spouses, because we both know that's not going to happen anytime soon. Also it seems like the single person in a EMA would have WAY too much time to sit and think about what MM/MW is at home doing with their mate. At least if both are M, then both know that there is a separate family life going on and have an easier time (sometimes) dealing with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 4:20pm
I would think so. I can't imagine sitting home alone waiting. It's like that Whitney Houston song, "Saving All My Love for You." But then, on the flip side, it would be hard for the MM, knowing his single lover was out on the town with friends or whatever. It's just the two different lifestyles. In some ways it's easier for me with MM because he has a daughter and lots of friends and he and W have very little alone time. H and I are always alone. But he doesn't seem to get jealous as I do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 6:02pm
When I was still at home with h, mm used to hate the weekends. Me to of course, but it was easier for me then, because I had a destraction, me h. Even though that was usually him driving me crazy, it still took up some of the time, plus he had a 3 year old daughter that I was head over heals for. I miss her the most out of the whole relationship. She won't let eh date anyone, she said he has a gf, me. I feel so badly for leaving her. But it's not like I could take her with me. Anyhow, since I've been gone from my m, well that's when the nights got long & it got harder to deal with mm home with w. The difference is that he is going to leave, that's a definate plan. I mean if he found that he couldn't do it, then I'd end it. As much as it would kill me it would kill me more to spend the next 20 years or whatever watching him be a family with someone else. I'm too young to spend forever being the other woman. I want a family of my own. We've talked about all of this. He wants to have a kid with me, I don't really care about the whole getting married thing, not for a long while anyhow. We've talked about almost everything. The good still outways the bad, so I'll give it more time. In time if he still hasn't done what he keeps saying he'll do, then I'll deal with that then. In the beginning we both said we'd never leave our spouses, but feelings grew and the thought of not having a life together seemed unthinkable. So even though I have my bad days & nights, I still believe with all of my heart that we will be together. Because if this isn't true love, if this isn't meant to be, then I don't know if I could handle anything more powerful then what we feel towards one another. Anymore would kill you on the spot! lol Anyhow thanks for your advice and just for listening when I was down. I'll do the same for any of you anytime. I do have it ok for you all to email me through this site. Later, Jdreamer
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 7:32pm
I hate to say this and I'm not being rude but the chances of om leaving his wife are slim.They always say they are going to just give them time.Well to say the lease they always chose their wife.Do you really think that you would be happy with yourself if you were the cause of breaking up their marriage?I understand that maybe this om is unhappy in his marriage right now but that might not always be the case.Personally I would just leave him alone and let him know that when he leaves his wife you two can be together.That way there will be nothing keeping you two apart.I have had an affair just recently and it sucks.In my case we were both m and I knew nither one of us were going to leave our spouse.It's a long road to cross but you can do it.Learning from my own experiences I just don't think loving someone who is not free to be loved in that way is a good idea.If he were to leave his wife and you two were to get serious would you really be able to trust him considering he cheated on his wife with you?Do you know what I mean?The om I was seeing asked me that one day when we were talking,and I thought about it and I realized that it would be hard to trust someone who cheated.I know my h wouldn't trust me again if he knew about my affair.which I couldn't blame him.Hope you didn't get affended by anything I said.Good Luck!