Suggestions on "relationship" talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Suggestions on "relationship" talk
12
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 7:06pm
I need some advice on how to talk about how he feels about me. I need to do this in a way that doesn't scare him off. Even if he is not interested in anything more than great sex, I'm okay with that. The sex is so good that I don't want any "touchy-feely" talk ruining that.

But I feel this intensity on both sides that both of us are afraid to reveal to each other...and I feel he wants me to be the one who brings up our "feelings". What is strange is that we talked more about our "feelings" towards each other on the 3rd day we were together in a car ride together--he emphasized how he really liked my personality and my perspective on things. He's since that time included me in on some things in his life that make me think he's looking for more. He's mentioned several times about how he's "unhappy about many things in his life", but when I ask if he wants a break from me, or time away and that I'd understand and still be there, he's adament about saying that he wants to keep me in his life. We've never had NC. He also has talked about wishing he didn't buy his house where it is (it's outside the metro area where I live, so a bit of a drive from me). He's also starting to get a bit careless about us getting found out.

I think MM may be afraid of falling for me because of being afraid of being hurt. He's asked me more than once why I want to be with him...he seems to have a bit of a self-confidence issue there (possibly).

How can I bring this up?

Where do I bring this up?

When should I bring this up?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 11:55am
I'm just bumping this message up.. I'm curious for replies on this subject, as I'm going through the same thing. I think this message got lost..LOL
Gina
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 2:40pm
hi secretgarden and chrisluver too. ladies, i don't know the lengths of time you've been involved in your R/As, but in the early stages (1st year, at least) you can't "make" the man talk to you. you'll just scare the pants off him (which can be a good thing in certain situations, ha!) but really, can't you just relax and let your MM/OM tell you what he's feeling, when he feels it?

excuse me, rain, boston and omaha, but most guys are not as sensitive and open as you are. secretgarden, you are probably right that MM is falling for you and wants to spend more and more time with you because you are showing him all your good qualities and the time you two have together is fun and games and great sex and no responsibilities and pressure of regular everyday life. and that's what As are, extra, on-the-side Rs, not the day-to-day M/R that wears us down, emotionally and physically.

my suggestion is that you cool it and not "push" for communication with MM. when he says something sweet and/or complimentary, thank him and say something along the lines of "i'll have more of that please!" encourage him to expand on the topic, but don't bring up the "relationship" talk! he'll run the other way!! JMO.

take care,

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 2:52pm
Hi...

Just my opinion...you know how you are supposed to take your time with those talks with regular guys? You need to take even longer in an A. He may letting things happen because he is letting his heart (and libido :)) drive him...but if you force him to talk out loud about what is happening before he is ready, the reality may be too much.

Not that he shouldn't deal with the reality....I just think he may need more time than you. Men have their own way of talking. Listen for clues. Eventually you will talk more openly but he has to feel confident and trusting.

Again, JMO!! Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 3:12pm
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Edited 4/24/2004 4:05 pm ET ET by julietsfate
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 10:23pm
This is probably one of the best post 'strings' I have read because I am going through the EXACT same thing!!! The few folks that know about MM and me tell me I need to 'talk' and 'discuss' our R. I say NO. An A is exactly what the others have said. To get into the "R" talk will scare my MM away (I'm pretty sure) and for now- I really enjoy what we have. I would hate to bring this topic up and lose him. Maybe that's the coward's way of denial, but it is fun and what's wrong with that. MM and I (MW) have only hugged and kissed. NO IC, yet and I really wonder sometimes if we will progress that far. That's when my friends say " talk to him - find out what he wants". Again, I say no. He and I enjoy each other and our time away from "life". Why would we spoil that. HOWEVER, if HE were to bring the subject up, I would discuss openly with him.

Tons of great posts on this!!! Thanks everyone for your input- it has helped me TONS!!!!

V.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 10:45pm
Thanks for your responses. It is what I need to hear. And it is probably what I would advise myself to do! We've only been together 5 months, but we had a period of a couple months where it was very intense, where we worked together on something and spent several hours a day side by side.

I'm actually quite committment-phobic. I have NEVER been the 1st to say "I love you" in a relationship. But I think both MM and I want to push things a little further. Both of us are fairly young, no kids in marriage, relatively short marriages. He's unhappy in his, I'm unhappy in mine. But both of us have lifestyles that are tied to having 2 incomes. I think he wants "out" and so do I. But going from A to a live-in relationship is huge.

He seems to have these pauses when I'm leaving, the way he looks at me, the way he grabs that extra squeeze, like he wants me to say "I love you."

But yeah, I love what we have and don't want to ruin it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 10:53pm
Okay, any soft approaches to getting to know how MM feels??? Tricks, please.... ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 8:42pm
Just bumping this to see if anyone else replies. I, too, have not had "the talk" with OM. And I don't know if I ever will...but if so, it would be nice to have some insight on how others have gone about it.

:)

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 11:35pm
Today MM told me he wanted to change his hair color a little for the summer and what were my thoughts on this. OK- I know, not a big deal to most, but it is to me. He is caring what I think, valuing my opinion. I called him and we chatted about it. We are getting a tad 'closer' day by day. SO- MY POINT TO THIS STORY??? If the "R" talk comes, it will come as we get closer; closer to a level of where it needs to be addressed. It's the little things like my story that will help you two open up to one another- eventually the "R" talk may just 'happen' w/o it being forced by you (or him for that matter).

Everyone who has responded to my posts has given me superb advice and the #1 piece has been stay slow and steady- let things happen. I would apply this to the "R" talk for you and me as well.

Keep me posted girl! I will definately let you know if I run across any good advice on this as well!

V.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:21am
Yeah, as each day passes, I'm thinking it is going to happen naturally...I just have that feeling. It seems like each time we talk, or get together, he's taking me one step further into his life--deeply personal subjects, helping him figure out solutions to issues in his life, and of course just the day-to-day things.

I have to step back and realize how much he's already brought me into his life after only 5 months. I keep meeting members of his family, his friends, all these people who are important to him. They're starting to see me over and over again. He can't hide his terrible body language to his wife. He also can't hide his body language towards me. Hmmmmmmm.... you think?

It sometimes seems like he's doing the guy-thing with his emotions, letting things inadvertently slip, being careless about hiding the fact that he's crazy about me (never obviously, but you know, extra flirtaion and attention).

He hasn't had the courage to say how he feels, but he shows it. Same with me. I really feel we have an "understanding" but neither has said those 3 words.

...But an ideal opportunity hasn't risen...yet. In a couple weekends, H will be out of state the whole weekend. MM's W may be gone that weekend too...

We've never had that kind of time for "just us". We've spent hours together, but supposedly doing stuff that we had to be accountable for.

Sometimes I almost worry that it might happen too fast...

That's the whole flip-flop of emotions that I have. Is this what I really want? I think it is, but am I just going crazy???

Is this for real???

I don't know. I won't know that until we do get closer, until we do reveal our love of one another. I can feel it now, but not saying those words holds us back. But that's okay for now. Patience........



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