Suggestions on "relationship" talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Suggestions on "relationship" talk
12
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 7:06pm
I need some advice on how to talk about how he feels about me. I need to do this in a way that doesn't scare him off. Even if he is not interested in anything more than great sex, I'm okay with that. The sex is so good that I don't want any "touchy-feely" talk ruining that.

But I feel this intensity on both sides that both of us are afraid to reveal to each other...and I feel he wants me to be the one who brings up our "feelings". What is strange is that we talked more about our "feelings" towards each other on the 3rd day we were together in a car ride together--he emphasized how he really liked my personality and my perspective on things. He's since that time included me in on some things in his life that make me think he's looking for more. He's mentioned several times about how he's "unhappy about many things in his life", but when I ask if he wants a break from me, or time away and that I'd understand and still be there, he's adament about saying that he wants to keep me in his life. We've never had NC. He also has talked about wishing he didn't buy his house where it is (it's outside the metro area where I live, so a bit of a drive from me). He's also starting to get a bit careless about us getting found out.

I think MM may be afraid of falling for me because of being afraid of being hurt. He's asked me more than once why I want to be with him...he seems to have a bit of a self-confidence issue there (possibly).

How can I bring this up?

Where do I bring this up?

When should I bring this up?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 5:21pm
MSG- I envy you. You are a place that I would liek to be at. I wish my MM opened up more than what he does but again, I am being patient. However, we do not have a truly physical relationship yet ( just a little hugging and kissing). I keep thinking that's enough for now and it is. I am ready and willing but he is the slow, methodical one. Obviously my M is not the best and I have no idea what's missing in his that he wants to hang with me. Tomorrow will be our fifth time meeting and again, I am sure it will end as usual - the hug/kiss thing. ANYHOW, this is the impatient side of me that wants to find out what's missing in his life that I fill. But then I feel that's the "R" talk coming on and as I mentioned in an earlier post- we are not there yet.

I just hate to lose what I have with him even though it is very slow in coming; if it ever does.

Now I'm just rambling and off the subject. Sorry ....I miss him .....

V.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 12:31am
After being in the relationship for three years, I almost had given up hope of ever being able to have "the discussion". Early in the relationship, I would try to press the issue. But over the last year, I decided to stop TALKING and start LISTENING and WATCHING the things he would do. And...amazingly enough, it became crystal clear to me that he had loved me all along but I was so obsessed with hearing the words that I didn't realize he had been telling me all along through his actions. So, about a month ago, when the actual words finally came, it was surprisingly uneventful, like it was stating the most obvious thing in the world.

So my advice is be as patient as you can, look for expressions of love in other things, and set your own time limits. When you feel that you have given him ample time to be clear on his feelings, be brave, lay it on the line, and see what happens. What he says or doesn't say will speak volumes of what his plans are for the relationship. You'll know its time when you decide that you can live with whatever his response is-good or bad.

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