Support and Advice
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Support and Advice
| Tue, 08-19-2008 - 1:13pm |
Tomorrow is the day I plan to tell H that we are done and that I am moving out. I just cant do it any longer it gets worse every day. Has nothing to do with APs, just the simple fact that we cannot live together anymore. I need someone I can depend on, someone to take care of me for once and I am not looking for perfect by any means. I am just tired of feeling like I am raising 4 kids alone.
Any advice to get me thru this? Please.....
HBG

~Love is not about finding the perfect person, it's about learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.~

I am sorry to hear that.
If he says he will change and wants another chance have you thought how you will respond to that?
Been dealing with that for 20 years. Always tells me he will change and might do it for a little while, then when he figures its all past us he goes right back to how he was and quits trying.
Have you decided if you would agree to marriage counseling?
I have offered to do this and it was suggested to him by his therapist but he has not shown any interest in pursuing it.
Have you made sure you are set with finances and housing?
I have money put away and will move back to my parents house for a short time.
Do you have a support network to help you through this?
Yeah I have a bunch of support that really surprised me but going to take advantage of it to help me get thru this.
Have you spoken to a lawyer?
I have not spoken to a lawyer, but have done a lot of research on the divorce laws in my state.
~Love is not about finding the perfect person, it's about learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.~
~Love is not about finding the perfect person,
Thinking of you and hoping it goes as well as anything like that can.
Have you made plans for the children to be somewhere else tomorrow?
Be strong and stick to your guns now you've made the decision.
I don't post often on here, but lurk a lot...
Sorry to hear about the fact that you have been dealing with this for almost 20 years, I can relate and sympathize, I've been hearing the same from my H for almost as long.
Aww sweetie,
I wish I could give you advice but for me when I left it was an arguement and STBX told me to get out so I did. LOL. I would say to just speak from the heart. Already have youself ready to go though. As mean as it sounds you should tell him that you are leaving and be able to walk out the door. Please have someone on standby in case things get out of hand. If he starts yelling try not to yell back, just be as calm as you can and state the facts. I will be thinking of you and please let me know you are okay!!! Email me if you need to. Good luck honey!
Thanks for the support and encouragement you have all given so far. Its been a long road and with the decision to leave I think it just got a lot longer.
I am tired, physically, mentally and emotionally. I have nothing left to give and I have told him so straight out. He just doesn't get it. I have 3 kids but for the past few years I feel like I am raising 4, he acts as bad as they do most of the time.
I cannot depend on him, I have to tell him to do everything or he wont do it. But if someone else were to call him he would run right over. I have taken care of all of them for 22 years now, is it ok that I want the roles reversed for once?
I pay all the bills, (yes he works and all money goes into our account) I clean the house, do the laundry and grocery shop. (IT dont end there) He expects me to pay the bills but dont tell me he spends money in the account marked for bills and then yells at me if we dont have the money to pay one of them.
Trying to talk out any problems with him is pointless its always "dont worry it will work out". And when he decides he is done talking, the whole conversation is dismissed. If I need to talk to him about a major decision, its always "what ever you decide" and if I make the wrong decision all he** breaks loose. I cant win. It's like I always tell him he makes all the rules and only we (me and kids) have to follow them.
I called my Aunt today and asked her to come over to be with me when I do it. Her and I had a long talk the other day and I was very surprised with her out pouring of support. Even when I told her that my DD would be staying with her dad for now.
Now I know most of you are shaking your heads on that one. I had a talk with my daughter a few weeks ago about all this and she went to her friends house and talked to the mom about what was going on. She was worried about having to choose between me and her dad. So I told her that I would make the choice for her. One I cannot take her out of the state until custody is established. Two, she just started a new job, new school and making new friends....I cant take her away to start all over. Its not fair and I wont do it. The boys are older and on their own.
Just have to get up the guts to do what I know is right. Yeah I am scared to death and no he wont hurt me.
HBG
~Love is not about finding the perfect person, it's about learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.~
~Love is not about finding the perfect person,
First, sending you hugs. This is a very difficult thing to do. I wanted to lend you my support.
You've had lots of good advice here already. I split up with H . It was awful but had nothing to do with AP or my A. H had gone from being a perfect partner to a perfect a** and I couldn't handle his behaviour towards me anymore.
I agree wholeheartedly you need an escape plan and I'm glad you've got someone who can be there for you.
It won't matter that you've told your H before that you aren't happy, he is most likely to be taken by surprise. I think what surprises them most is that one day you get up and say enough is enough. They are used to treating you like a doormat and getting away with it. It concerns me a little that your DD will stay with him, he is very likely to take out his pain and frustration on her. Make sure she has an exit plan in case it gets uncomfortable or unsafe for her.
I can only tell you to stay strong, stick to your guns and keep moving forward. I know this is incredibly hard, but the light at the end of the tunnel is bright and you be there soon.
Pisces
Edited 11/23/2008 8:13 pm ET by pisces2008