Support Badly Needed - Rejected??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Support Badly Needed - Rejected??
8
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 7:14am
Hi all, I'm new here. Like many of you, I never thought I'd be the "type" to want to have an A, but here I am, wanting one. To make a long story short, the OM is S and I am M. He is a great friend of mine, but also of my H. Recently I hinted greatly to OM and got the ol' "nothing could ever happen between us - I would never do anything to hurt our friendship - and you're married to a good man". Has this ever happened to any of you, and if so, is there hope for a change of heart on OM's behalf? I feel that we've been having an emotional affair for months now, and have become very interested in taking it to the next level, but now I am just crushed and feeling hopeless. Please, anyone with a similiar experience, do reply. Oh, and I should mention that I do love my H, but our relationship has always been like a best friendship, and not as a H & W should be. It would kill me to ever hurt him, but now I'm dying to explore this other option, which now looks hopeless.

Thanks in advance for any replies. Believe me, I'll be here waiting to hear from someone on this! :(

-CM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 9:58am
hi cm and welcome to the board! i don't have great advice and encouragement, but do you want to force the situation with OM? you've already expressed your interest to take this R to the next level and he basically turned you down. do you want to get hurt further? do you want to keep your self-respect??

BACK OFF RIGHT NOW!! you've put the idea out there. now you have to let OM think about it. men are funny, they like to stew on an idea for awhile and then act on it. you never know, OM might change his mind and in a few weeks or so, come back to you and say, let's go for it.

in the meantime, you have to back off and leave OM alone. i know it's hard, but don't throw yourself at him. OM knows how you feel. let him come to you.

distract yourself with other stuff. clean out closets, hang out with your girlfriends, read a good book, spend time with your H. just don't contact OM for a few weeks to a month and see what happens. you can't rush something like this.

relax and let it happen, if it's supposed to.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 11:28am
Your situation sounds very much like mine. I actually went so far as to try and seduce OM once he told me he was interested and still got rejected. He just cannot get past the fact that I am married. I'm trying NC now to see if it works, but it is very, very hard. We don't see each other on a regular basis any more and I'm beginning to think out of sight is out of mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 12:09pm
I don't think in the case of an A you can take anything like that personally. The man isn't rejecting you as much as he's rejecting taking on an affair with a married woman. I honestly can't blame him, even if you look like Catherine Zeta-Jones. Trust me -- after all I've been through in the past eight months, I WISH I'd had the resolve to reject MM when he started hitting on me. My life would be 100% better now... Whoever suggested he might come around after he's had time to stew on the idea is dead-on. Just back off and be his friend and never mention it again. Either way you're covered!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 12:38pm
Hi Ladies, thank you SO VERY VERY MUCH for the replies thus far. Your advice so far is exactly what I was thinking to do.....just be his friend & let him stew for awhile, and pray that he'll come around. I *know* the attraction is there because we really care about each other & we flirt like crazy.....it's just the me being married thing that he can't get past, but I'm certainly feeling a little more hopeful that things can change after reading your replies. His friendship means a great deal to me, so I certainly will refrain from seducing or pushing him.....I'll just wait & see where things go. Until then, how do you deal with this HELLISH feeling.....you know, the one where you can think of NOTHING ELSE?? :(

Please keep the replies coming.....I really, REALLY need this or I'm afraid I'll fall apart!

Thanks again,

-CM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 12:51pm
hey cm -- just come back and post a discussion when you need to talk and we'll be right there to "advise" you!! stay in touch with us.

and you can "hope" and "pray" and keep all your fingers crossed, but don't stop living your life in anticipation of what SG might do. as time goes by, you'll move out of that "hellish" feeling. unless, of course, SG comes around. then you'll be moving onto the rollercoaster with the rest of us!!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 9:38pm
Lilah, sweetie.....I e-mailed you.....did you receive it? If not, please let me know. We have MUCH in common and I just wanted to talk.

Thanks,

-CM

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 9:46pm
CM - before it is to late and you make a choice you will live to regret - go see a counselor of some sort to help you sort out your feelings. You feel confused and frustrated right now, how is having an affair going to resolve anything. If you love your husband, even if only like a brother, leave the marriage before exploring another relationship. You WILL end up hurting your spouse, and he will eventually find out. How would this impact your job, if your boss were to find out, how would your parents feel or if you have children, how would they react. This is MORE than just about your feelings, there are a lot of people out there for you to hurt if you want that. Which I don't think you do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 11:09pm
I agree with gurl and I support you. Relax and let it happen. You do need to be patient. I know that feeling where you can't get him out of your mind, but you don't need to act too fast.