Supporting the MM through the Divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Supporting the MM through the Divorce
6
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 11:59am
Any tips on how to prepare myself (financially and emotionally) for this? How to give him support and encouragement without "nagging"? Are there any specific things that could help, or hurt, our relationship? Have any of you gone through this, and how did it work out?

Any help or suggestions are much appreciated.

Thank you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 12:16pm
Hello, Clyde.... I'm going through this now (sort of). MM has been up and down (and I really thought he was going to file this time). But they are back together. I don't have a lot of advice, but the one thing I have learned so far is to refrain from W-bashing. Even when he's upset, I let him vent but don't contribute. He's going through enough without worry that he's said "too much" to me, or that I'm getting my hopes up, then getting them dashed. I'm just letting it be about what he needs to get through. It's hard, but what can you do when you love them, right? Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 12:45pm
That is a tough situation....I know. I am probably the LAST person on earth who should be giving advice about this because I do everything I know I shouldn't be doing. Definitely don't wife bash....that was good advice. I am the queen of W bashing (although I have good reason to bash her since the psycho has attacked me...twice!) Also, don't ask too many personal questions about it. Whenever she calls I am always like "what the hell did she want now?" or "what did she say?". I know I shouldn't be prying...it's just so hard not to! Definitely don't get involved. Stay completely out of it, let MM handle it. I answered his cell once when she called because I was SO sick of her calling (she is obsessed with him and calls continuously, the other morning she called 18 times in one hour...he never answers). He wasn't mad at me for answering it but she was mad and it just made things harder on him. Basically, do not do anything that I do...that is so bad! =) Just be there for him, let him vent when he wants to talk, and let him know that you are there to support him in any way he needs it. Good luck! It will be over soon and then it will be smooth sailing......
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 12:57pm
Thanks so much for the advice!

I haven't done much wife bashing in the past, so I don't think that will be a problem unless things get nasty... at which point I will take your advice and keep my mouth shut.

Asking him questions about it is my biggest downfall, but it's so hard!! I really want to know what's going on in his life, but it quickly goes from curiosity to nagging with me... I avoid it, but, yeah, it's hard.

What about finances? Is there anything I can do to help out? I'm not familiar with the divorice process enough to really know how this effects men.

What about being named in the divorce? Has anyone had that happen? What did you do, and how did it effect your life?

Thanks so much!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:05pm
I can probably lend some insight here as a MM who is getting separated next month and will be filing for divorce shortly thereafter. My divorce is likely to be cleaner than most though as my W and I have already agreed on most of the details and will be using one attorney.

What IS does for me is pretty much perfect. She doesn't bring things up, she lets me do that as I need to. We focus on the other aspects of our lives. But if I need to talk or vent, she is always there to listen. She will occasionally comment and has said, "I hate her and how she treats you". But I know she only says that because she loves me and doesn't like to see anyone hurt me. I guess I would say to just be there for him. I know it is difficult for you to wait this period out and feel completely powerless. I try to keep IS updated as far as when I'm moving out, when I'll file and things like that because I know how much those dates mean to her. But understand that he may not want to share these things until they actually happen. Just be as strong as you can. But don't be afraid to tell him if you're scared or sad. Just because he's going through a lot doesn't mean you don't need support once in awhile too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:59pm
I am going through this hard time too. I will be here for him if I live through this! I am really getting wore out from all the emotional strain. I know he never wanted to hurt me , he has told me that so many times. I really think that is why he started this NC thing. He thinks he is saving me from the true pain. But he is not. As a matter of fact I deal better with life if I know what is going on. I am a pessimist. Always thinking of the bad things that could be going on. And I feel very left out. Your advice is welcome!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 4:45pm
I'm sorry xxx. I recall reading your earlier posts. I know that I could never do that to IS. Or myself for that matter. I, for one, believe NC should only be for those who plan to end their R. Because I don't buy the whole absence makes the heart grow fonder thing. I think it is a R killer. I hope you can hold on through all of this though.