SW with MM- how do you handle dating?
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SW with MM- how do you handle dating?
| Sun, 01-04-2004 - 4:41pm |
I am wondering how those of you that are S handle dating others while involved with your MM. I have all but avoided going out with others for the past 2 years mostly b/c I had no interest- I have gone out with several people, but not often. MM and I have had these discussions before and yesterday he told me he needs me to be happy and that I should get out more this year and stop hiding in my house. He laughed and said you can go out and maybe kiss them goodnight but NO sex or anything like it. Although we have talked about it before, his comment bothers me now- he has said that it is selfish for him to say I should not date since he is married but yet he gets very jealous and angry when I do go out with others though he always initially tries to hide it since it isn't 'right' to be angry. He says he is jealous and angry but it's the right thing for me to do while he is in such limbo and that he doesn't want me sitting at home- he needs me happy in order for him to be happy. In fact, he's been so depressed but since I was in a positive mood about life yesterday, his mood lifted noticably. Co-dependent?
Is this a totally selfless act like us telling MM they need to work on their marriages to see if that makes them happy or is he trying to set the stage for things to end?

I think they logically understand that if they can't offer us 100% of themselves, then they want to take the high road and say it would be okay if we go out. And my guy, anyway, is very good at not letting his feelings be known. But since I had the advantage of being his friend, first, I *know* what it would do to him and he'd never say a word. So, for now, I'm not dating others. I'm going to give this new life of mine time to settle down again and find its balance. I'll decide then whether I need him to change his commitment level to me or if I need to change mine.
HTH,
Lucky
i've been seeing my MM for seven months and he is fence sitting. i am not sure i can keep myself from dating until he decides, not becuase i don't love him but because i feel i am cheating myself a bit if i put myself on hold for "years". BUT..... anyone else is not HIM :( i am divorcing now and i will bring up the dating thing/future thing again when my divorce is final i think. Not even sure about that as the timeline he has set for his "decision" will hopefully be not too soon after. it just sucks.
it's HARD! GRR!!
Good luck, glad to hear from the other SW
jen
On the one hand I know MM would be crushed if I started dating again, even though he knows it is completely unfair of him to expect me to not date. I was dating others when the A started and it drove him nuts, and that was BEFORE the emotions between us became as deep and intense as they are. I have a feeling that if I were dating again, our R would come to an end because he wouldn't be able to deal with it. And that is his choice. Is it a fair choice to me? Not really. Do I let it determine what I do? To some extent yes, but not completely.
See the problem with dating is I already know what I want in a relationship, and that happens to be the qualities that MM exhibits. I have yet to find that exact combination (which is impossible as MM already exists), or even anything close in someone else. I've also found that when I was dating before this A began, I wasn't happy doing so. I was dating simply because I thought that is what I was supposed to be doing since I was single. But I wasn't having any fun. It was stressful since eventually I would need to break the dating sequence with someone because I just wasn't interested.
So, right now I'm not dating. However, if I met someone that intrigued me and who I wanted to get to know better, I would definitely give dating a chance again. I love MM. I honestly think he is the love of my life. But he's married, and I have no control over that situation. Whether he ever leaves his wife is up to him. Therefore, if I were to "click" with someone, I don't think I would throw away the opportunity that could turn into something very special. However, I know that would be the hardest choice I would ever face.
In the meantime, I'm in no hurry.
Annika
Brightest Blessings, Annika
You have to base your decision on things you knwo not things you hope for. If you hope to have a real realtionship with someone you don't have to share, you can't pin your hopes to a MM who doesn't sound at all inclined to leave his W.
You have no control over his situation, only yours. Just recognize the fact that there's a chance you will never have a real R with your MM and let your decision to date on how you feel not how he feels.
If you want a real R and this isn't just about having some fun, you should either prepare yourself for the worst and give MM an ultimatum or try to change your mind set about your A with MM.
By change your mind set I mean fall out of love with him. Take a break from him for a week or two and take those mushy feelings and stick them in a box in the cold dark reaches of your brain and ignore them. Use him for fun and sex and whatever other needs he can fulfill, while you continue to search for the man of your dreams.
To heck with MM's jealousy. Take care of yourself.
How can the man of your dreams be a man who wont leave his wife for you?