Taking that BIG STEP
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Taking that BIG STEP
| Tue, 10-28-2003 - 8:57am |
I need some words of wisdom here. MM has been on high-intensity for the past three weeks and I've been VERY, VERY reserved. Just three weeks ago we were keeping things on a casual, friendly level and he'd said that he decided a while ago that he wanted me, but he couldn't have me because of circumstances so he had to kind of put the engine on idle, so to speak. He said his feelings never changed; he just stopped telling me about them and he was fighting them with all he had. So for a while he was flirting but not really coming after me as he had in the early days. I was fine with that, although a little confused about what our relationship was. (Flirting friends who once kissed but don't anymore...?) I guess my first clue was the week he couldn't seem to get enough of me. I spent almost an hour in his office one day because every time I'd get up to leave he'd ask me to stay. We were just talking but we talked so long that honestly *I* had had my fill of him by the time I left! Anyway, around the middle of last week he started talking about meeting somewhere. I asked where we could meet that it wouldn't be a disaster if my car broke down and he had this whole scenario mapped out where we'd meet at a hotel and I'd get the room (since he knows everyone in the world, I figured he'd probably know whatever desk clerk was working or if not someone in the lobby...!), then we'd go to the room and... Well, you can imagine from there. I never pursued it because I just assumed he wasn't really serious. But now Wednesday night, H has something he's going to with a friend that's going to detain him for at least a couple of hours. The first time I mentioned it yesterday, MM looked me dead in the eye and said, "Do you want to meet?" I tell you, girls, my heart dropped right down to my stomach. We'd joked about meeting but never, ever, had he put it to me like that. I got all nervous and stuttery and started handing out excuses. I told him I've been "reading online" and shared some of the information I've learned from everyone here. I said once we've m.l., there's no going back. That the intensity of emotions is going to be overwhelming. That he'll back away because he'll get really, really scared. He said maybe not. He said that I exaggerate the times he's gotten scared; that a lot of it was just him being busy and he reminded me that he hasn't gone through one of his scared spells in a long, long time. And he's right -- we haven't really gone NC since July...and this A has only been going on since May. In July I was all in love and ready to abandon everything to be with him; since then I've gotten a lot more realistic about things so I think he senses my reservation and doesn't really feel the need to run. That's my guess anyway. I don't know... I don't think I'm ready but when will I be? I'm TERRIFIED of getting caught more than anything. I know good and well if we got caught I'd lose him, but even more than that if somehow his wife found out, he might lose her and his daughter and I'd never be able to live with myself. How did you all make the decision to take that step? How do you know when you're ready??? He's already told me if we meet outside of work, we're going to do it all. He says if we were alone in a car he knows he wouldn't be able to stop at just kissing...

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I wanted to do it with NO reservations 7 months ago!! So I guess I can't help you too much -- I was just blinded by the thought of sex with MM.
I will say though, that maybe you should wait untill you are SURE. You certainly are not going to enjoy it too much if you are worrying about all this all through the act! Although inevitably, no matter how much you think about it, you are taking a risk (of getting caught, emotionally, etc). No doubt, and no way around that. Wish I could help you more!
Good luck, and of course, tell us all about it if you DO!!:)
Charlotte
When it comes to worrying... about what to do when, about is this "right" or "wrong" -- you have to look at it in the respect of his world and your world.
YOUR world is your H, your kids, your family, your job, your emotions, your place in life (do you feel courageous? wounded? vulnerable? strong?). Analyze everything from your world. Do you want to do this? Does it make you happy now? Will it potentially destroy your life? Are you willing to take that chance?? And *if* you decide to keep talking w/ him, meet him and keep meeting w/ him, etc, then GO FOR IT! THAT is your decision. Live it! have fun with it! and be proud of it.
HIS world involves much of the same issues. BUT.... you are NOT in his world, and only HE can answer those questions. Don't even GO THERE IN YOUR MIND because your opinion doesn't matter (no offense) he either decides it's worth it or it's not. He either tells W or he doesn't. He either meets you or he doesn't. You see my point here?? By bothering yourself with HIS WORLD you are beating your head up against a brick wall!!!! AND... YOUR WORLD needs all your attention!!!!! Now i am not saying don't talk to him about things.... but talk to him objectively, as a friend, as a listener. if he decides to walk up to his wife tomorrow and tell her something say okay, if you decide that's best honey.
This is hard to explain, but i have found if i can keep from worrying about things that are HIS world and impact HIM and HIS WORLD, it's just easier. Whatever he wants to say to his wife, whatever he wants to do in public, whatever he think he ought to do let him and if you need to discuss an issue, talk to him about YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT YOUR WORLD, not his world (example"honey let's not kiss in the car i'm afraid ____ would see me and i don't want that to happen" instead of "are you crazy?? someone's gonig to tell your W!!!) he ain't stupid, if he'd deciding to kiss you in the car he knows damn well his wife could find out (that's just an example).
grrrrrrrr i dont know if i am explaining this well at all, the but the his world/my world thing has helped me focus on me and not worry so much about what he does, how he handles things, and what i can't control.
Good luck!
jenny
cl-liberalgirl
callmeliberal@hotmail.com
Edited 12/1/2003 9:10:06 PM ET by stillwingy
He doesn't even seem to be your type (redneck and all) for you to be in love with him. Its just sexual chemistry than can be avoided if you try hard enough. Can you get transfered to another department where you don't have to see him anymore or avoid seeing him alone? If you have to be alone with him it should be only for buisness purposes. Don't dress to lead him, just ignore him. That will do the trick. He will get the hint.
You need to give your M a chance. You love your H right? Just try to go out on romantic dinners, take a vacation and spend time re-discovering each other. Think of the time you met and all the qualities that you like in H. In no time you will get out of the emotional wreck that you are right now.
Hope I have not been too harsh, I am merely expresing my honest opinions here. I have been following your posts and its clear that its in your best interests to stay away from this MM of yours. Take care.
But I agree with everyone here, do not take that step until you know you are ready. Good luck, and hope the decision becomes easier for you!!
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