Taking that BIG STEP

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Taking that BIG STEP
12
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 8:57am
I need some words of wisdom here. MM has been on high-intensity for the past three weeks and I've been VERY, VERY reserved. Just three weeks ago we were keeping things on a casual, friendly level and he'd said that he decided a while ago that he wanted me, but he couldn't have me because of circumstances so he had to kind of put the engine on idle, so to speak. He said his feelings never changed; he just stopped telling me about them and he was fighting them with all he had. So for a while he was flirting but not really coming after me as he had in the early days. I was fine with that, although a little confused about what our relationship was. (Flirting friends who once kissed but don't anymore...?) I guess my first clue was the week he couldn't seem to get enough of me. I spent almost an hour in his office one day because every time I'd get up to leave he'd ask me to stay. We were just talking but we talked so long that honestly *I* had had my fill of him by the time I left! Anyway, around the middle of last week he started talking about meeting somewhere. I asked where we could meet that it wouldn't be a disaster if my car broke down and he had this whole scenario mapped out where we'd meet at a hotel and I'd get the room (since he knows everyone in the world, I figured he'd probably know whatever desk clerk was working or if not someone in the lobby...!), then we'd go to the room and... Well, you can imagine from there. I never pursued it because I just assumed he wasn't really serious. But now Wednesday night, H has something he's going to with a friend that's going to detain him for at least a couple of hours. The first time I mentioned it yesterday, MM looked me dead in the eye and said, "Do you want to meet?" I tell you, girls, my heart dropped right down to my stomach. We'd joked about meeting but never, ever, had he put it to me like that. I got all nervous and stuttery and started handing out excuses. I told him I've been "reading online" and shared some of the information I've learned from everyone here. I said once we've m.l., there's no going back. That the intensity of emotions is going to be overwhelming. That he'll back away because he'll get really, really scared. He said maybe not. He said that I exaggerate the times he's gotten scared; that a lot of it was just him being busy and he reminded me that he hasn't gone through one of his scared spells in a long, long time. And he's right -- we haven't really gone NC since July...and this A has only been going on since May. In July I was all in love and ready to abandon everything to be with him; since then I've gotten a lot more realistic about things so I think he senses my reservation and doesn't really feel the need to run. That's my guess anyway. I don't know... I don't think I'm ready but when will I be? I'm TERRIFIED of getting caught more than anything. I know good and well if we got caught I'd lose him, but even more than that if somehow his wife found out, he might lose her and his daughter and I'd never be able to live with myself. How did you all make the decision to take that step? How do you know when you're ready??? He's already told me if we meet outside of work, we're going to do it all. He says if we were alone in a car he knows he wouldn't be able to stop at just kissing...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 9:12am
Hi lilah

I wanted to do it with NO reservations 7 months ago!! So I guess I can't help you too much -- I was just blinded by the thought of sex with MM.

I will say though, that maybe you should wait untill you are SURE. You certainly are not going to enjoy it too much if you are worrying about all this all through the act! Although inevitably, no matter how much you think about it, you are taking a risk (of getting caught, emotionally, etc). No doubt, and no way around that. Wish I could help you more!

Good luck, and of course, tell us all about it if you DO!!:)

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 10:16am
Lilah you are one who has to ultimately decide if you want to meet up with him. When you are reasy for it, you are just ready for it and vice versa. Think it out and do accordingly. If you don't want to go any deeper than what you have already, now is the time to get out of it. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 10:50am
I just saw him a little while ago and honestly I don't feel he's going to go through with it. He's chickened out every other time. But the thing I'm seeing now is that he's getting closer and closer... Eventually he's going to really be ready, and I'll know it when he is. This isn't ready...this is testing me to see if I'll do it. Back last summer when he was thinking we were ready to kiss, I happened to be leaving work early one Friday on a day he was off too. He suggested meeting somewhere and I was pretty much ready to. I was terrified of taking it to that next step but I guess I felt it was going to happen eventually (and I was right!). That morning he called me and said he couldn't do it. He said he was just too afraid of getting caught. I was actually relieved. A couple of times after that he tried to push me to the kiss, but when he finally was ready, he mentioned it, then wouldn't let up until I agreed. He was beyond ready. He actually got upset that I was unsure, saying he thought I was as ready to take it to the next level as he was. I ended up compromising with just a quick peck on the lips but gradually we worked our way into full-out kissing, and that's when HE got scared. I've learned from that experience that he'll test and play and see if I'm up for it but eventually he'll be really ready and if I'm not ready, he'll find a way to talk me into it. Honestly, though, the thought of meeting him outside work and spending a couple of hours with him is SOOOO tempting, and it has nothing to do with sex, although I know it would be a lot to ask of him to take that risk without sex. I'd just like to be in his arms, to kiss him, to talk to him... I guess maybe that's a female thing! The difference I'm noticing now is that we aren't talking about sex anymore. We used to discuss, in detail, what we would do to each other but this time he's not talking at all. He's kind of anxious and, well, the best word for it is INTENSE. Like he's ready to move on to the next level but he's still not 100% sure...
Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 11:35am
Here's my advice. It's hard to explain but i'll try.

When it comes to worrying... about what to do when, about is this "right" or "wrong" -- you have to look at it in the respect of his world and your world.

YOUR world is your H, your kids, your family, your job, your emotions, your place in life (do you feel courageous? wounded? vulnerable? strong?). Analyze everything from your world. Do you want to do this? Does it make you happy now? Will it potentially destroy your life? Are you willing to take that chance?? And *if* you decide to keep talking w/ him, meet him and keep meeting w/ him, etc, then GO FOR IT! THAT is your decision. Live it! have fun with it! and be proud of it.

HIS world involves much of the same issues. BUT.... you are NOT in his world, and only HE can answer those questions. Don't even GO THERE IN YOUR MIND because your opinion doesn't matter (no offense) he either decides it's worth it or it's not. He either tells W or he doesn't. He either meets you or he doesn't. You see my point here?? By bothering yourself with HIS WORLD you are beating your head up against a brick wall!!!! AND... YOUR WORLD needs all your attention!!!!! Now i am not saying don't talk to him about things.... but talk to him objectively, as a friend, as a listener. if he decides to walk up to his wife tomorrow and tell her something say okay, if you decide that's best honey.

This is hard to explain, but i have found if i can keep from worrying about things that are HIS world and impact HIM and HIS WORLD, it's just easier. Whatever he wants to say to his wife, whatever he wants to do in public, whatever he think he ought to do let him and if you need to discuss an issue, talk to him about YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT YOUR WORLD, not his world (example"honey let's not kiss in the car i'm afraid ____ would see me and i don't want that to happen" instead of "are you crazy?? someone's gonig to tell your W!!!) he ain't stupid, if he'd deciding to kiss you in the car he knows damn well his wife could find out (that's just an example).

grrrrrrrr i dont know if i am explaining this well at all, the but the his world/my world thing has helped me focus on me and not worry so much about what he does, how he handles things, and what i can't control.

Good luck!

jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 11:40am
You are standing in line for an intense rollercoaster ride...Once you get on, there's no jumping off until the ride's over...are you ready????

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 1:28pm
I just got back from lunch and I can say from the instant I walked into the building, fear hit me. I'm not sure why; nothing's going to happen this afternoon. But suddenly I'm terrified again that the happiness we have right now is about to come to a screeching halt. That he's about to start pushing me away again. There's no reason for that fear -- and it's the same fear I had Sunday night as I contemplated coming back to work Monday. I saw him right before lunch and he told me he loved me. Well, he didn't come out and say it. I told him a while back that I felt if we did that it would be crossing the line and since then, neither one of us has taken the step to actually saying the words. Instead he points to himself, then his heart, then to me. He's done that several times without me returning it but today I returned it, and I FELT it for the first time in a while. I've been guarding my heart against him so well, but this week he's just worn down my resistance and that's why I'm terrified. I tried turning it around on him before lunch and asking if HE wants to meet me Wednesday night and, without hesitation, he said yes. But then a few minutes later he was acting nervous and I asked if he was and he said that his heart was beating a mile a minute. So he's scared too. Does that mean we're not ready, the fact that we're both scared? Here's my question... We've been doing this for almost six months now and we've kissed and pretty much expressed our love, as well as talking in detail about what we want to do to each other. We've been through the ups and downs of this relationship. What will change after intercourse? What changed for most of you after that? Am I going to be even more afraid of getting hurt after we've taken that step?
Avatar for stillwingy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 1:50pm
deleted


Edited 12/1/2003 9:10:06 PM ET by stillwingy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 2:37pm
Thank you, stillwingy. That's exactly the advice I was looking for. I think you've been a big help. Your post brought tears to my eyes, certainly. MM just called me and we started a conversation that got interrupted but seemed really important in all of this. I told him that when I told him I loved him before lunch, I really meant it. I've never told him I loved him before (still didn't -- we're playing that game of miming the words as if that makes it mean that we didn't "cross that line...") but I'd never even mimed the words before. I'd insinuated it, but never come out and mimed it. And as I was saying it, I felt it with every fiber of my being. It's like in that several seconds I felt all the walls I've built up around my heart come tumbling down...and it TERRIFIED me. Because now I'm in a place where he can hurt me again and I feel like he knows it. I told him all that (so of COURSE he knows it now, how stupid can I be?!). I told him that I'm scared and I don't want him to start pushing me away again. He said that's not going to happen (yep, heard THAT one before) but that he's just afraid of something happening to where we couldn't even speak to each other anymore. He would rather have me as a friend and "know what's in his heart" than to have me in more ways and lose me. Those are the same fears I have. But, my question is, how long can we go on like this? Can we really avoid sleeping together indefinitely? Because I feel like eventually it's going to come up again and I don't know if I'll be strong enough to resist. If men enter into As for the sex, wouldn't it stand to reason once they get the sex, they aren't quite as interested anymore, or is it the "more sex" that keeps them coming around? What scares me is what someone posted here that once they've made love, they get scared because the emotions get too intense and they start backing off. I don't think I can handle another round of what I went through this summer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 5:13pm
lilah, I don't think you should go to the next level with this man, EVER. I think he is emotionally abusing you by leading you on and then taking it all back. His going back and forth doesn't seem to match with his earlier A's where he plunged into it head on. I think he is playing mind games with you and you are feeling the brunt of it. Look at you and the tone of your posts. Why do you torment yourself for this man who has no credibility whatsoever? I don't think he is worth it. I don't think you are "in love" with him. You just like the exictement of the rush of feelings when he leads you on. I think you should stop putting yourself in situations where he can take "advantage" of your emotional vulnerbility.

He doesn't even seem to be your type (redneck and all) for you to be in love with him. Its just sexual chemistry than can be avoided if you try hard enough. Can you get transfered to another department where you don't have to see him anymore or avoid seeing him alone? If you have to be alone with him it should be only for buisness purposes. Don't dress to lead him, just ignore him. That will do the trick. He will get the hint.

You need to give your M a chance. You love your H right? Just try to go out on romantic dinners, take a vacation and spend time re-discovering each other. Think of the time you met and all the qualities that you like in H. In no time you will get out of the emotional wreck that you are right now.

Hope I have not been too harsh, I am merely expresing my honest opinions here. I have been following your posts and its clear that its in your best interests to stay away from this MM of yours. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 9:34pm
I think I'm at the same point as yourself, except that I am ready for this to happen. My only concern is things changing, and not in a good way. Keeping this relationship two friends who enjoy being around each other (not just for sex) is important to me.

But I agree with everyone here, do not take that step until you know you are ready. Good luck, and hope the decision becomes easier for you!!

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