Taking that BIG STEP

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Taking that BIG STEP
12
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 8:57am
I need some words of wisdom here. MM has been on high-intensity for the past three weeks and I've been VERY, VERY reserved. Just three weeks ago we were keeping things on a casual, friendly level and he'd said that he decided a while ago that he wanted me, but he couldn't have me because of circumstances so he had to kind of put the engine on idle, so to speak. He said his feelings never changed; he just stopped telling me about them and he was fighting them with all he had. So for a while he was flirting but not really coming after me as he had in the early days. I was fine with that, although a little confused about what our relationship was. (Flirting friends who once kissed but don't anymore...?) I guess my first clue was the week he couldn't seem to get enough of me. I spent almost an hour in his office one day because every time I'd get up to leave he'd ask me to stay. We were just talking but we talked so long that honestly *I* had had my fill of him by the time I left! Anyway, around the middle of last week he started talking about meeting somewhere. I asked where we could meet that it wouldn't be a disaster if my car broke down and he had this whole scenario mapped out where we'd meet at a hotel and I'd get the room (since he knows everyone in the world, I figured he'd probably know whatever desk clerk was working or if not someone in the lobby...!), then we'd go to the room and... Well, you can imagine from there. I never pursued it because I just assumed he wasn't really serious. But now Wednesday night, H has something he's going to with a friend that's going to detain him for at least a couple of hours. The first time I mentioned it yesterday, MM looked me dead in the eye and said, "Do you want to meet?" I tell you, girls, my heart dropped right down to my stomach. We'd joked about meeting but never, ever, had he put it to me like that. I got all nervous and stuttery and started handing out excuses. I told him I've been "reading online" and shared some of the information I've learned from everyone here. I said once we've m.l., there's no going back. That the intensity of emotions is going to be overwhelming. That he'll back away because he'll get really, really scared. He said maybe not. He said that I exaggerate the times he's gotten scared; that a lot of it was just him being busy and he reminded me that he hasn't gone through one of his scared spells in a long, long time. And he's right -- we haven't really gone NC since July...and this A has only been going on since May. In July I was all in love and ready to abandon everything to be with him; since then I've gotten a lot more realistic about things so I think he senses my reservation and doesn't really feel the need to run. That's my guess anyway. I don't know... I don't think I'm ready but when will I be? I'm TERRIFIED of getting caught more than anything. I know good and well if we got caught I'd lose him, but even more than that if somehow his wife found out, he might lose her and his daughter and I'd never be able to live with myself. How did you all make the decision to take that step? How do you know when you're ready??? He's already told me if we meet outside of work, we're going to do it all. He says if we were alone in a car he knows he wouldn't be able to stop at just kissing...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 9:44am
No, no, he only had one A before and that was with the woman he's married to now. He didn't rush in headlong at all. He went through the same junk with her he's going through with me. He jumps in, then gets scared and jumps back out again. He's been like that since the beginning of this. I know I got in trouble for saying this on here before, but I do respect him for not just jumping into this without having a single doubt about it. He does have a wonderful wife and daughter, after all, and if he didn't at least feel some guilt for doing this to them, I'd think a lot less of him. If he weren't getting scared, I'd be getting scared, so it's helpful to both of us that he does that. And he never goes NC for days at a time like other people do. He just takes things back to friendship for a while until he can deal with it again. Yes, I love my H but MM fulfills a need in my life that H can't. I can't explain it beyond that. H is a great lover, but MM opens me up in a way no one ever has before, just with words. I'm sure it is all about the attention, which is why I'm probably not taking it beyond this level for now. And no, we have absolutely nothing in common at all. I tried to cut MM out of my life before and couldn't. He's become a valuable friend to me and we have fun. That's why I feel better when things actually aren't going like they are this week. I almost like the fun, lighthearted days better than the days he's telling me he loves me and can't get enough of me. But the negative stuff I've posted here is all stuff I tell myself to protect myself from getting hurt by him. He's not a complete monster; he has his flaws like any other man. But I certainly don't think this is all about mind games with him. I think he sincerely has feelings for me; the question is, do I have feelings for him? Do I LOVE him? Most days I think I don't, but there are those few isolated days when I feel so head-over-heels, I can't think straight.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 10:20am
OK HERE I GO..YES, IT IS HARD TO GO FROM FRIENDS..GOOD FRIENDS TO BEING MORE THAN FRIENDS. YOU DO TAKE THE RISK OF LOSING THE FRIENDSHIP AND YOU DO TAKE THE RISK OF GETTING CAUGHT. IT IS ALL ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU ARE WILLING TO RISK. MY MM AND I ARE FRIENDS WE WORK TOGETHER AS I HAVE TOLD YOU AND EVEN GO OUT WITH FRIENDS TOGETHER...WHICH IS VERY DIFFICULT TO HIDE OUR FEELINGS. IF YOU TAKE THE RISK..THEN YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING FOR THE POSSIBILITY OF SOMETHING GOING WRONG.

GOOD LUCK

DON'T DO THIS IF YOU ARE NOT READY...ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE...

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