Taking some time
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| Sun, 05-16-2010 - 1:25pm |
Hi everyone,
It's been no secret here I have always struggled with this relationship with my AP/BF. For the first little while it didn't really matter so much because we were so head over heels for each other, and we were having so much fun. I guess that deep down, I always thought that one day he would eventually leave his situation and be with me (even though he's told me that he's not going to). I guess I just felt that eventually, because of the sheer amount of time we spend together, and the fact that I really do think he loves me too....along with the fact that all of "our" friends look upon us as a couple...well, I thought that we would end up together IRL. That is how I've felt emotionally, intellectually I realize that it's not going to happen. Well, unless she finds someone else and divorces him....god, it would so serve him right :-)
Our last little power struggle ('cause I think that's what it was) has now ended. We spent Friday night together, of course not discussing anything at all about our last epic battle (and that's true to form) but just enjoying being with each other again. He slept over, even though I had a thing to go to the next day...and when he was leaving we briefly started a discussion regarding his summer plans. I knew that he was planning on going back home to help a family member renovate a room in their house...to be honest I thought that he was going to be gone by Mother's Day so that he could spend some time with her....and then he would do the reno.
A bit of a backdrop here...after being out of work for all of 2009, I got a pretty terrific tax return and had mentioned to him that I was going to use part of it for a winter vacation (which of course I want him to come along on). So, we were discussing his summer plans and he told me that he was trying to ask me (before our fight) if I would be able to take some time off in the summer. It appears that he's going to be gone for at least two months! Now, my new job doesn't do summer vacations...she closes for two weeks over Christmas. And I told him that. I might decide to try and ask her for a week in June(ish)....she's hired another girl to help out so it might not be that hard to do ~ and god knows I would love to see my twin sister!
I've been thinking though, that this time apart will be a good thing for us. Whenever we're apart like this, and there is no way we can get together, he becomes the guy he used to be at the beginning of this...his texts and calls have are always extra sweet and loving, and when we finally see each other again it's magic. If I did go to where he's going to be this summer, in all reality we would only have a short time together, and I'm not sure that it would be worth it. It was one thing when he took me out to the coast with him and I met two of his brothers....but I'm pretty sure that I won't be meeting Mom, or his one sister. It hurts, but I know that's the way it is.
I have a lot of decisions to make while he's gone...my roommate is moving out at the end of this month and I've decided that I will spend June here by myself. The rent will take at least half of my income for the month, but I just need some alone time...KWIM? I've been thinking of buying a home, there are developments in my town geared to lower income people, and I think I could buy one fairly easily. It would take all of my RSP's, and my savings...but I would have a pretty good down payment ($20,000 or so). So, I have a lot to think about...and a lot to do. For now, I would only be getting on a waiting list for these properties, and they are in high demand....but at least I would be doing something for ME. The quandry I find myself in at the moment is, do I try to find another roommate? Or do I try to find a smaller place that I can afford on my own? Both are going to be hard, but I have to get off my keester and get it done...I can't procrastinate anymore. It's just my luck that my boss handles most of those home sales (she's a lawyer).
Thanks for listening

I think buying a home sounds like a great idea! Get on the waiting list, see what happens. It's something for YOU that will be yours no matter what - a good move I believe.
I also think the separation will be a good thing. Gives both of you a chance to be apart and see how that makes you feel. Who knows, maybe you'll meet someone else during that time, someone SINGLE (well, hope springs eternal and I can wish it for you LOL!) Keep us updated Benska, love seeing your posts, especially when they sound positive like you sound today.
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
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I say go for the house and the alone time. I wish I can get that kind of break and have some alone time to reflect and do some soul searching. And as stated on the other posts you might meet someone single and if you don't you might find other fun and interesting things to do with your time outside of him.
Much peace & Love,
Rayne
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