Talking myself off a proverbial ledge.... AP still on vacation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Talking myself off a proverbial ledge.... AP still on vacation.
8
Fri, 07-19-2013 - 6:54pm

Hi there-

Well, our vow of "silence" i.e no communication, while he is on vacation in France didn't last more than 4-5 days.  Then we started having chatty emails about what he was doing (did I really need to hear about the charming hike and trainride?) and what I was up to.  Finally after several of these emails being exchanged that could have been between next door neighbors not involved in anything but a neighborly exchange, I wrote him and told him I was experiencing all kinds of emotions, was just letting them bubble up, acknowledging them, adn then waiting for them to simmer down. ) I didn't include a description of what I've been feeling which includes anxiety, some fear, some happiness that I have room to think, happines that he is having a good time, jealousy, longing.....all over the board)

He wrote back but didn't address that.   I replied that I noticed he hadn't addressed it.   He wrote back that he was trying to just be present and enjoy the time, and of course he missed me, sometimes painfully so.

I guess all this has really brought home the obvious:  I'm in deep with someone who is married to another.  Period.  Either I'm ok with this, or I'm out.    Will he leave her?   I can't answer that- all I can do is speak my truth, and live with the consequences.  And I think the truth for me is I can't be this close and connected to someone unless he is willing to commit to me full time.  Whew!  I'm gonna wait til he gets home in early August to let him know.  I don't expect a thing from him--- except that he is probably not going to leave his W, and that will be the end of that.

In a wierd way, I feel better.  I'll be fine with or without him.  Truly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005

Very mature thinking. There's nothing you can do about the situation, other than taking care of yourself and deciding what you want in your life. 

I could only last with my AP because he specifically told me that he would leave his wife in some not very long future, otherwise, there was no point in continuing a relationship. But it lasted more than a year and doubts would constantly creep in and of course, everybody around me would add to these doubts, including the members of this board at the time LOL. It definitely made the relationship very difficult and it took a lot of relationship skill to keep it going. Honestly, it would have been better to find a single guy and make it work with him....

I don't know your story, so I can't say more....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005

Very mature thinking. There's nothing you can do about the situation, other than taking care of yourself and deciding what you want in your life. 

I could only last with my AP because he specifically told me that he would leave his wife in some not very long future, otherwise, there was no point in continuing a relationship. But it lasted more than a year and doubts would constantly creep in and of course, everybody around me would add to these doubts, including the members of this board at the time LOL. It definitely made the relationship very difficult and it took a lot of relationship skill to keep it going. Honestly, it would have been better to find a single guy and make it work with him....

I don't know your story, so I can't say more....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Yes do you want to go through your life being in 2nd place while he is going on a nice vacation w/ his DW?  My friend was in a situation like that for quite some time.  The guy would say how much he hated his DW yet he never said he would leave her either--I guess there is some kind of wierd emotional co-dependence going on there.  Finally my friend got really tired of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

I was married to the "married man" for almost 20 years.  During that time, he cheated almost from the beginning.  Sometimes a one night stand, but also a few long term "romances".  The first one was 5 years, and he dumped her when she found out she had breast cancer.  The second one was on and off for several years. I was always aware of who and when, but if I tried to talk to him about it, he denied everything, and tried to make ME feel bad for not trusting him!  He refused to discuss it, he refused to get counseling, so I stopped talking about it, too.  He probably thought I really believed him!   I had been "biding my time" for several years waiting for my sons to be old enough for me to go to work without having to pay for sitters or day care.  When I finally filed, he was in SHOCK!!!  He LOVED me!  He ALWAYS loved me!  When he realized he wasn't going to talk me out of it.......then he got angry.  He with held child support, long before the courts took it out of paychecks.  He never spent any time with his sons......and he was an all around SOB, trying to punish me for my audacity of seeking a divorce.  The night before we went to court, he came to my house and literally CRIED.  "Please don't do this......I love you!"  He whined and begged and I told him it was too late.  When he realized he wasn't going to talk me out if it the tears stopped, and he said, well, if that's how you feel......I guess you need to know I'm getting married!  I tried hard not to laugh in his face, because I think he thought if he said that I would relent. 

What I'm trying to tell you is this:  If a married man is not happy at home, and he meets a woman that he "falls in love" with......he will divorce his wife, and he will be with the new woman.  If a married man meets a willing woman and has an affair with her......he has no intention of leaving his wife.  He's got the best of both worlds.  Go out and rent a movie called "Back Street" starring Susan Hayward.  It's also a book by Fannie Hurst.  It gives a very good description of what you're going thru, and maybe seeing it will help you get out of the situation.  If he wanted you, he wouldn't be running around Europe with his wife.

 

This is already too long, but I worked with a woman who was with a married man for over 20 years.  He was good to her, he took her on trips, but he couldn't divorce his wife because his children were too young, then they were graduating from high school, then from college, then they were getting married.  Last but not least, his wife got cancer and died.  He couldn't marry her then because he had to wait a "decent amount of time".  A year later, he told her he'd met someone and was getting married!  But he also told her that he'd still be with her too!  She finally got smart and told him where to go......and it wasn't a nice place!  Years of her life wasted for nothing but a few gifts and trips. 

 

Unless his wife throws him out, you'll never get him.  By the way, my ex wasn't lying, he DID get married even before the divorce was filed (Illegal!) and within a few years, he was divorced again!  And he came crying to me.......too bad sweetie........I've moved on!  I'm sure it will be hard, but you're in a losing situation, and you need to get out of it.  Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006

Thanks for the comments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006

Sorry for the double post!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005

I would advise you not to compare your situation with other people's. People are different and the reasons they get into affairs are different too. Some men and women simply don't have the courage to change their situation no matter how unhappy they are with their spouse and how they might love someone else.

I wouldn't advise you to give him a date. Men don't like to be pressured, it will only turn him off. Tell him that you have feelings for him, that you enjoy your moments together and that you want to have a happy relationship (don't say "with him", because what you want is a happy relationship with a man who loves you, if it's him then great, if not, as you say, it will be with someone else). And continue dating others because you don't feel comfortable committing to a man who's not sure about being with you. Because that will put pressure on your relationship with him (you can't commit to him and just be happy being the other woman). This way, he'll know that the ball is in his court. 

Men don't leave a woman for another because they love her. They live a wife because they are not happy with her. If he decides that staying with the wife would be wasting the rest of his life, then he'll leave. There's nothing you can do to convince him to do it. I know it, because I tried. And my AP was and still is very passionate about me. He's latin and doesn't have these materialistic attachments that some people here have. And i'm telling you that nothing works. When he told me about the breakup, it came totally out of nowhere for me, a long time after I stopped. But he knew that men are attracted to me, so he knew that at some point, he could lose me. I didn't have to give him a date. I tried and he didn't accept it.

Don't make him your world !

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Thanks Sireanita! I am crystal clear on the fact that I am 100% worth a whole-hearted commitment from a man. I am awesome. ;0) But I feel that way. The connection with this man is very strong, adn I know we're both thinking that it could be this is the relationship for the second half of our lives. I am going to be clear with him that I intend to have a full and loving relationship with somoene. He can choose to make that be himself, or not. I'm willing to h ang out a bit longer to get to know him better (and him me), but it will NOT be dragging on and on. This vacation--- it had been planned over a year before he met me. I don't think I expected him to cancel it after knowing me for two and a half months. His return and how we reconnect will be very telling, I'm thinking. In the meantime, he s most definatly not my entire world. I have all *kinds* of thngs going on, including an awesme career, a ton of friends, I'm a marathon runner, I mtn bike, I am going to Hawaii for three weeks in November. No moss growing on me. If he wants to come along for the ride......great. His choice. If not, also fine. I'll be just fine!