A teeny tiny bit, I'm starting to see
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| Wed, 05-26-2004 - 1:42am |
I am starting to see that he is never going to leave the wife, and I feel that that is OKAY. I love him so much I want him to be happy, NO MATTER WHAT. Honestly, thoroughly. If the man I love is happy that eases my own pain by a hundred times.
I am starting to see that it would be nice to have someone who could be available to me full time, 100%. Anytime day or night. No hiding, no lying, no worrying. Am I ready to go FIND this person?? Heck no LOL. But I am starting to see that it would be nice to have this SOMEDAY. MM comes close to that, but he can't ever really be mine full time when he's married. He can't come snuggle me whenever the storms come. Although he does a wonderful job given our circumstances.
Someone who I could plan a future with without the constant questionmark of if it will EVER come to be.
Someone who I wouldn't be stealing moments with. My MM gives me SO much time, he is generous with his love and his affection and attention, his money and his time, he doesn't make me feel like the OW. I want him around for a long time to come but someday I can see, I will want more.
I see now that I need to live for me, and my daughter, and my MM can join US. HE can find time to join in OUR lives....maybe not permanently but just when he can. He's just as lucky as *i* am.......he's lucky that *i* let HIM join US. We're not much but we are loving, caring, appreciative, sincere, simple, honest, and we love him.
I can see now that what we have is wonderful, special, endearing, grand, one-of-a-kind, and the love I always dreamed of no matter how it ends or when it ends or if it ends it doesn't change what it is.
I can see now that love is different....for every person you love the love is somewhat different. I WILL love again if I need to, and that one will be special too, in it's own ways. It may not be the "love of my life" feeling I have now, and that's okay too. That love will be that love.....this one is this one.
I can see now that being with someone a little closer to my own age and just settling down sounds kind of nice after the mess I have made of my twenty something years. I will always have these memories and know I fulfilled so many dreams and fantasies with my MM.
I guess this is me starting to GET actually GET that someday I will have to chose. Be the OW forever or try and find someone else, even if MM stays in my life. I have no idea how this will all play out but all my revelations are making me see I am strong enough to be okay.
Ironically, MM's love and wisdom is what got me to this place. When he met me I was in such a terrible marriage. I hardly believed I had the strength or the worth to live. And now look at me..... starting to see the light.
Sorry if this was mushy and weird, I just had to type it.
~jen
