Tell me I'm stupid

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Tell me I'm stupid
3
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 4:12pm
I'm new to posting, so be patient and let me know if I do things wrong.

I have worked with a MM for four years, and fell for him almost immediately. I was married at the time, and my feelings for him made me examine my very unhappy M and helped me understand that I needed to leave. Naturally I figured he had no idea and didn't care, so I never shared my feelings with him or anyone. Before my divorce, we became friends, and he began to confide in me about work and personal issues. It was very sweet, and I took the friendship at face value, never telling him about the divorce until it was finalized.

He was shocked by the divorce but very supportive, and offered to help me get one or two things straightened out (moving, etc.), but I really preferred to do everything myself--part of getting back on my feet and being happy on my own. I knew he was attracted to me, and of course I was attracted to him, but I figured he's attached, and those are the breaks, so I kept my distance a bit and I ask about his W when we talk. We work closely with each other and have a very close friendship. We do things rarely outside of work, generally running errands or getting lunch.

I've been dating a little, but no one can measure up. He's been giving me advice and offered to set me up with people he knows, but somehow the setup never happens. I could do with some attention, but really I'm so happy to be out of my crappy M that I'm on cloud nine all the time anyway.

Recently he has begun to complain about his wife being distant, happy when he's out of town, and generally not interested in him. He is concerned that she is having an affair.

I assumed this had nothing to do with our friendship, but recently his W was out of town. We went to dinner and back to their house to watch a movie (not unusual--we have been alone together without anything untoward happening, even if we drink a little). We got a little tipsy and when we lay on the floor in front of the TV he lay down very close to me, almost cuddling me. I wanted to touch him but I was afraid to encourage him, so I just let him lie there next to me, and occasionally we looked at each other for a few minutes with our faces just inches apart. We talked for hours. There were a couple of those moments where you both seem to consider a move but decide not to. I know it sounds stupid, but we're very close and have very similar beliefs and philosophies that his W and my ex don't share, and it feels like soul mates. Eventually he said he had to get some sleep and we both got up and walked to the door--he hugged me as usual and that was that.

Could this be a potential affair? I think I recognize the shock he felt when I told him about my divorce--it's like I feel now, that something I wanted so badly has happened but it means something awful at the same time. I don't want an affair--I want to be his partner. I want the whole enchilada or nothing. Do men ever actually leave the W for the OW? I'm thinking I do nothing, don't get drunk again, and if he makes a move or indicates that he wants me, tell him he needs to figure out his situation first. Maybe he's not even really interested, and all the stats on this site are pretty crushing (I don't want to be some artifact that causes his marriage to end and then have him break up with me in 2-4 years). It sounds like I'm better off just being friends, even if he feels like the love of my life. I've never felt like this about anyone, and I've never found a man like this who loves me the way he does AND is attracted to me. Am I stupid for even thinking this way?

Help! Advice? Kind words? Abuse for my stupidity? I can take it all...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 4:25pm
HI Abby

I have to compliment you on being a woman that seems to have her head screwed on pretty stright.

The stats on affairs are readly avaiable on the web if you search on them.

If you want to make a go of it with him it has a greater chance of working if he deals with his marriage himself, if it is bad then he needs to fix it or get out, of course if his wife is cheating and he finds out that may take care of it for you and him.

I suggest that you put real boundries that you will not let be crossed tell he makes real moves to leave his marriage unless you like the idea of being the other woman for the next few years.

f

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 4:26pm
I don't think you're being stupid. . . but you are in a vulnerable position right now, and you are right to consider seriously that moving the relationship forward is not the right thing. You are on the cusp. . . and let me just say that if you take one more step forward, you *will* be having an affair. Even now, you are dangerously close. If you do not want to be someone who has an affair with a married man, with all its attendant ups and downs, you should back off from the friendship, hard as it might be.

When a man starts sharing things with someone else that he does not share with his wife, he is keeping secrets from his wife - and that is the start of an affair.

The head doesn't always listen to the heart, of course - if it did, I wouldn't be here - but while your head is still in control, listen to it. You will be glad you did. If he, independently of you, decides his marriage is not viable (rather than just not being a very nice place to be at the moment), then he'll be free. But there are people here who can tell you that breaking up a marriage is a bad start to a relationship, and waiting around for a man to end his marriage for you is a sure path to heartache.

Right now, you haven't done anything you need to "take back." As with all things in life, and in all relationships, it's best to *never* do something you might later want to take back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 4:57pm
Thanks, f--that's my favorite compliment!

I love him so dearly, and I know for sure I'd rather see him happy with his W than unhappy the way he is now. Of course, I think I could make him happier (on oh so many levels), but that's not up to me.

His love and friendship are very special to me, and I know I can do the right thing. And I suppose I have to help him do the right thing, too. If he's half the man I think he is he won't have to take it one step further before he figures out it's his job to figure out his M. His head is generally screwed on pretty straight, too.