Tell me Im stupid- please

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Tell me Im stupid- please
4
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 10:19am

Hi all


Id love a bit of a slap around the head by you ladies please. I have an AP- over a year now- we are both married. It was hot and heavy in the first few months but the intensity was too much and he ended it. We are now in a somfortable routine where the A has been dialled down a notch- by him. But basically


* I hear from him nearly every day (50/50 instigation)


* He takes me to lunch/coffee at least every second week


* he organises and pays for a nice

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 11:03am
OK. You have it great and just chill.



BUT... (sorry can't help myself), obviously this isn't enough. It's not making you happy. I can't tell you it's great if it isn't really great for you. You're the one who has to decide what's great and not so great for you.



Truthfully? A's can leave an emptiness inside sometimes, even if they are great most of the time. That's because, inside, we know the limitations, the fact that they're "secret" and have to be kept hidden, etc etc. Add to those facts the fact that yours used to be "better" in your mind, and no wonder you don't feel right about it all the time. Trust me, even if he gave you all the adoring attention you crave, there would sometimes be that sad empty place inside.



Only you can decide if this is enough for you. You do have it good compared to many here! But is it enough for you?

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 4:11pm
My initial reaction would be that no relationship will remain hot and heavy for an extended period of time.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2008
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 6:45pm
You have it way better than I do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 1:53am

Thanks all- that was exactly what I tell myself.


I think Im just a bit sad somedays because it used to be very emotional. While we still have roughly the same amount of contact-we used to have a bt more- ie we would catch up at least once a week for lunch and he would text AND call every day whereas now its a single call or a single text nearly every day.


But its more the content that has changed. He used to say he loves me and I said it to him. But in Nov he had a mini meltodown and ended it. He restarted it the next day, only to do it again in Feb (again it was restarted in days).


His mother and first wife both had affairs and it crushed him (fisrt as a teenager and then as a young man). He said in Nov and Feb that he was the last person he ever ever thught would have an affair and he is so shocked and morally in a turmoil by his own behaviour. But he cant/wont stay away. He has said quite openly that he cant deal with the guilt and needs to tone it down. She we agreed no mention of feelings or the future. Just two good friends enjoying each others company in the moment.


I agreed to this (had to or he would leave altogether- though I suspect he would come back). But I admit it all leaves me feeling a bit sad and frustrated some days. the days he doesnt contact me or get back to me after i text him, or the weeks he is too busy to catch up (we always catch up the next week though).


So thank you for your reality check. I am grateful for what I have and I will relax a bit. But as Lex said- I have to be happy with it for ME. The minute Im not- I hope I have the strength to walk away. That said though I think the ever wise Lex also said it well when she said that the hottest, most loving affair still leaves you a bit empty- simply because it is an affair and not a normal relationship.


Thanks for letting me vent guys- I appreciate the sympathetic ear :)

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do