To Tell Or Not To Tell...??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
To Tell Or Not To Tell...??
8
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 11:25am
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Edited 9/24/2004 2:53 pm ET ET by bad_kitty314
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 12:38pm
I don't know why you told your H, but I wouldn't give the name of the man you had the A with.
cl-noregretsyet (co-cl of MAS board)
&#16
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 3:20pm
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Edited 9/24/2004 2:52 pm ET ET by bad_kitty314
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 8:26pm
BK-

You know my story so...I think this is what YOU would tell ME so if I was in your shoes...

Do not tell him. Tell him the 'who' is irrelevent and the 'here and now' is what matters. You and H have come a long way on repairing your M; he needs to see this was in the past and that HE is your #1. Period.

I would however not lie and give a fake name. If H finds out about this too, well then you've really got a mess. He will NEVER trust you again.

Hold your ground girl- YOU CAN DO IT!!!!

<<>>

v.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 8:24am
Sorry I missed your post. No, I don't think that you should come up with a fake name. You already broke your husband's trust by having an affair - sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, hon, but it's true, and if he finds out that the name you gave him was fake whatever remains of that trust will fly out the window. On the other hand I don't think he should have asked for the name at all. Talk to him. Tell him that you are trying to give 100% to rebuilding your marriage, that you broke all contact with that other man - which is true - and that the two of you should be concentrating on the future rather than dwelling on the past. Be as loving and gentle as you possibly can and try to find the words that would be convincing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 8:40am
WOW! Looks like I have the same advice as Bos. And since I have valued his advice in the past, I must be either getting smarter as a woman or starting to think like a man???

Ha Ha!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 8:54am
I would NOT tell him your XMM's name. I have spoken to and suffered many phone calls/emails from XMM's W. I had to change my number, etc. I don't think I was able to give her any closure - although she did get what she wanted since XMM and I have broken all contact. The harassment from her just made a sad and difficult situation even worse. Spare both your H and your XMM. Tell your H it doesn't matter who XMM is - that ultimately the issues in your M are between the two of you and the choices you both have made.

Good luck to you! Please keep posting - we're here for you any time.

Peace

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 9:24am
bd, Don't give a name. don't give real or fake. the first a i had was 7 years ago. i told my H two years later cause i couldn't live with myself. and he was the last link in my forgiveness chain. (so much for staying clean!) well the one thing i did not give up was a name. and to this very day even thou he moved out 5 months ago and we are getting a d. he STILL asks for the name. and i have stayed true to myself and my xom. I know if i told him the name he would never let it go. and i wanted my m to move forwardat the time. unfortunalty it got harder and harder to stay with someon i did not love.

the one thing i learned from the whole thing is that just cause someone says they want to forgive you..... it doesn't mean they can. to much information in the wrong hands can hurt you so keep it to yourself. i did it for the past 7 years and i will go to the grave with the name.

good luck!

Saag

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 9:55am
Thanks You ALL!! I've been telling H not to dwell on the past. That we both made mistakes. We've hashed everything out, and I don't want to keep throwing in his face what "caused" me to have the A, and I don't want it constantly thrown in my face that I had an A. That if we're gonna do this, we have to start over.

Usually he's ok with it. But sometimes he just gets this look in his eye and says, "What's his name?" That kills me inside to know that I did that to him. Also, on a bad note, he says if he ever found out who it is, he wants to make their life hell. Well, I can't let poor XOM go through that...I mean heck, he's been so supportive through this whole thing. He even encouraged me to work on my M.

(What happened that brought all this back up again, was that H's BIL cheated on his S. And filed for D, and won't give the name of the OW...which I think is understandable, but then look where I've been...) So, H says that I am protecting OM by not telling him the name, and I say that I'm not, that it shouldn't matter, who the OM was doesn't matter, that we should move on. That I am committed 110% to making it work...well we'll see