Tempted to cheat...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Tempted to cheat...
3
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 5:43am
I'm not married but have a long term boyfriend of almost a year and a half. We're pretty serious. Our finances are already combined. I think for a few weeks to a month now I have known that this guy at work likes me. And I have found myself liking him back as well as flirting back and e-mailing him sexy pictures of myself. We have hugged for longer than we should. But haven't done anything outside of work. Well I suppose we have. We call each other and text message each other like everyday. And I also consider him a friend and feel comfortable telling him stuff.

He knows I have a boyfriend and I have strongly expressed my morals towards cheating. Married or not cheating is cheating. And I always express how against to cheating I am whenever I see it happen. Now the situation is not so easy. I can't just leave my boyfriend. I still have feelings for my boyfriend. And even though I could be with this other guy if I dumped my boyfriend I think I would not be over my boyfriend and still be depressed if we broke up. I'm used to our relationship and have put a lot into it. Although I am tempted to be with this other guy and if I were to go out with him and leave my boyfriend, I wouldn't be used to this new relationship. I would still be used to the way things were in my relationship with my boyfriend and feel like something was lacking. So I would not be completely happy with this guy and would most likely have regret.

Now I have been up front with this guy that we shouldn't be flirting etc. But he continues to do so, only because I have as well. And I don't know how to end it. If I were to ever be alone with him I fear I would not be able to control myself. And that's hard to believe because I don't believe in the excuse "It just happened" that people who cheat use. I believe we have control over our actions, even though some actions are a bit harder to control. Is this the ultimate test of wills for me??? Why do I like this guy? He makes me feel beautiful and sexy. My boyfriend never tells me stuff like that...anymore. Of course he did when we first got together. So yes the attention is nice. But this is also a nice guy as well. And it's not like I don't have a good sex life with my boyfriend. We have a great sex life. Although lately I've felt weird about having sex with him because I believe I have been unfaithful in some way.

Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated.

Suzu

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 3:40pm
HI Suzu

I would suggest that you try to remember that 18 months into a R with the new guy things will have settled down a lot just like with B/F, OM IS IN HUNTER MODE right now and is giveing you his all go get to home base.

It would be better for you to hold onto your principles and deal with your B/F and any problems that exist in the R, if they cannot be fixed then consider leaveing the R with your dignity intact rather then getting into an A with all the problems guilt lieing and what not attached to it.

Change can be scary sometimes but may be needed for your happyness.

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 4:10pm
Thanks for the advice FREE. The only thing is I don't believe there are any problems in my relationship with my BF. We did have problems before, you know arguing and stuff. But that's all past. We've both worked so hard to get through the problems that we had. And we have both been so committed to this relationship. I can't see myself just throwing all that away for this other guy. What if things didn't work out with him and I wanted to go back to my BF. I know the way my BF is and if I broke up with him there's no going back. My BF's ex had broken up with him after 4 years because she wanted to be single and party, and then I think she regretted it and tried to keep tabs on him and make contact, which he would have none of. I think when my BF and I hit 3 months I saw myself marrying him. But I understand that he is a guy and so it will be awhile before that happens because guys are always afraid of the M word. Let's say I did hypothetically dump my BF for this guy. I would feel so bad for hurting him. Plus it would not be so easy for me to let go either. How do I make this thing with the other guy go away???
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 6:09pm
HI Suzu

I was not sugesting throwing the R with B/F more just not throwing who your away for some other guy.

How to end it, not an easy question, the ownly way is to have the backbone to end it and make it stick.Say what you mean and mean what you say period no ifs ands or buts about it.

Not easy but do able, thinking about the cost of an A if/when B/F found out, the cost your selfrespect if you through your principles away for the guy ETC...

Take the steps that are good for you not the ones that feel good for now.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

FREE