Thanks Gurl, from Pen;
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| Wed, 01-14-2004 - 8:57pm |
I really appreciate your opening up to me and the others on this board. Even though this is an anynomouse board, you certainly shared much about yourself and it is very generous of you.
You are definately one interesting individual and have many admirable qualities (how you worked, kept busy, raised kids, etc.) You really got it together in that area and remind me of others I admire who have been in the same circumstances. You seem quite nice, although MM's W, or anyone loyal to her would not think so if it ever got out what is going on...but you know this already.
Wow, you and some of the other posts know of some unpleasant marriages!!! While I have seen some of the marriages you speak of, I must say, I've seen plenty that I would consider good marriages. The good ones are usually not the ones that seem so perfect on the surface, but from what I've seen, they are the ones where you see the imperfections, slight bickering, etc. But you also see lots of genuine love, respect and loyalty. Because I am so optimistic, I'm sorry to see so many people have soured views on marriage due to their own negative experiences and they project those views (sometimes inaccurately) on the marriages of others. I for one don't think people have to be married to be happy (this board, and the BS board is proof of that!) But sometimes it works out for people. I was a single woman for a while, never yearing for marriage. And now that I have been with DH for six years, I don't regret it. I do know that things have the potential to change. No one knows what they will do in a theoretical situation, but I do feel if I became largely unhappy in my M, I'd divorce immediatly. Too much real life observation and info from message boards indicate it is not worth it to drag it out. EA's appear to provide some relief and comfort to people, but in the long run, complicate things emensely. I will use the analogy of smoking to describe A's (no offense to the smokers out there). Many people have stress in their lives or whatever and they try smoking. Some cough and choke when trying it, and realize it is not really such a good thing for them and it actually adds one more stressful thing to their lives and they stop. Others, deal with the initial coughing and choking until that feeling passes, then they enjoy smoking. And yet others, have a good experience right away and LOVE the way smoking feels...it relaxes them, gives them clarity, soothes them, is recreational, something they look forward to, etc. Before you know if, they are addicted. They know it is not good for them but will keep on and deal with the circumstances later... they have no real intentions of giving it up. Then when the day of rekoning comes, they discover they have lung cancer or emphasema. They really saw it coming all along, but just too deluded by the pleasure they got from smoking. In the past, these people could get over other hurdles just fine, because they were not smoking. But now the smoking has caused a more profound effect and now things are somewhat more complicated than things of the past. All the problems that come with smoking are self inflicted. That is sort of how A's are. But, at the same tokken, some people smoke all their lives and come out better than those who never smoked (George Burns-GB). I think an very small amount of people in A's may come out of A's the way GB died a ripe old age after smoking all his life. While GB faired well with smoking, others would be unwise to think they could smoke all their lives and live to be 100 too. Many people cough and choke the whole time because they do get some pleasure from it, but don't acknowledge that the damage outweighs the pleasure.
There is a motto all over ALL the message boards...do what is right for YOU. Gurl, you don't seem to be "coughing and choking" in your A at this time. For others who experience "coughing/choking/wheezing" of an A, I hope they realize this and quit to keep what self esteem they do have left. Again, many of the posts on this board revolve around esteem issues.
Good luck to all who have read this.
Pen

That was a very nice post well written and expressed.
I also have to agree with every word of it.
FREE
Thanks. I always enjoy hearing from you. Your post of "Why did I want to believe him.." was the post that luanched me into interacting on this board instead of just lurking. Thanks again for the initiation.
Pen
Edited 2/17/2004 2:50:50 PM ET by gurlfriend50
Oh, yea, I definately know why the divorce rate is so high. I am definately not naive to that and shame on me if I gave that impression. That is one of the reasons I did not marry young. I don't know what the future holds for my M, but I know it does not help to be pessimistic either. I can deduct that I married much later than you. I've been w/H 6 years, but only married relatively recently.
Due the majority of most of my friends divorcing (some twice)by the time I got married, marriage looked very grim and was by no means something I was looking forward to (I, after all, am part of the me society too). I guess I look at my marriage the way you look at your R's w/BF and MM...I know what I can expect of it, nothing more and nothing less. I never had delusions of grandier in my M but I do know what I will except and what I won't. I expect change....everything changes. All people change, including those in A's too.
Anyway, I am not afraid of the D word if things get upleasant, but a D definately would not be my first solution.
My analogy of smoking was just that...an analogy and not exactly the same thing as smoking. While A's may not be of the physical addiction, withdrawing type of variety, they do have plenty things in common with smoking in terms of an analogy, but of course you already explained you disagree and I can see why you would. At the same time, some of the messages posted on this board sound pretty desperate and very similar to someone having withdrawals (I too have much experience in the alcohol/drug addiction area due to family and friends).
Well Gurl, I guess all I am saying is that I wish you happiness and a good outcome for you, BF, MM, and MM's W. And when I write to you, I am not so much writing to just you, but others who may admire you and may be reading the post. I've got to admit, you seem pretty popular and well liked on this board by many(myself included). You appear to have it together with how you handle things and I am sure you do. However, I think others may try to establish what you have in your apparent special and loving A. For others things will not be all happy and posititive the way they appear to be for you. In fact, things have the potential of getting much worse than the way they were before their A. Oh, and I am not just talking about those being in A's hurting others (of course that is a given) but of them causing more hurt to themselves. Generally speaking, I don't know whose self esteem is lower, some of the BS's out there after discovering the A, or the all OM/OW desperately trying to "find" something that they never will unless they look more within.
I enjoy discussions and bringing the other side and balance to things. I think it only fair on a support board to get as many prospectives as possible and as much information as possible (excluding anything that would make the board hostile or counter productive). Thanks for listening.
Pen
i'm just living my life over here and i'm pretty darn happy!!
take care of yourself pen. i'm crossing my fingers you NEVER hear the "D" word!
gurl
Oh, I know you are quite happy with your life the way it is now … you make that quite apparent to all reading. I fully recognize that you are entitled to your life the way you want to live it including you and MM feeling entitled to each other, despite that you are friends with each other's SO. Like I’ve stated previously… my messages to you are not so much for only you as they are to others out there…and I’m fully aware that they are entitled to their lives too. I consider my posts as supportive with the hard questions you recognize. Grant it, I too may bring up things that others don’t like hearing and may find offensive as well, but I like to think, and therefore encourage it from others that don’t mind giving such questions thoughts, as you seem to appreciate. I’ve certainly learned a great deal from reading what others have to say whether I agree or not.
You’ve also made it clear that you are ready to accept the outcome of you A and can deal with it, whatever that outcome may be, be it you two livng happily ever after/ SO’s finding out/ discovering MM having a second OW (always a big possibility for someone who travels)/BF having an A due to your A/ MM and W divorcing but MM deciding to start fresh with someone entirely new instead of developing open R with you, etc. I sure enough believe you could deal with any of these outcomes, for what other choice would you have? That goes for all of us in any situation.
Yes, you are older, worldlier and more experienced than me indeed, as you already know, and none of us can really write the book on life…just offer our thoughts, observations, and experiences, regardless of our ages.
Pen