Therapist advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2013
Therapist advice
Sun, 09-29-2013 - 8:29pm

Lately, my affair has ended. Its been very difficult on me because I really did love him and I know he really does love me. I know that only 2-5% of men actually leave their wife for the other woman and I know that wont happen with mine because he told me that he would never leave his wife for me.He would only divorce her if the  marriage wasn't working. From the couple of responses that I did get, the wife is nuts and is missing some screws since she let her husband cuddle with another woman. I just wonder how long it will be before she decides that she can't take it anymore knowing her husband loves another woman the way he loves her. I am 29, she is 26 and he is 27.

Anyways, I am seeking therapy for my unhappines. She tells me that I am doing everything right and that I need to focus more on myself and keep working out and give myself some time since I am very impatient. Why the hell am I am seeing a therapist if I am doing everything right?!?! 

Anyone else having this problem or HAD this problem? I have even read "will he leave her for me" and they had this quiz to asses the affair. That definitely helped me. 

Its just frusterating that I love someone and that I can't be with him. I have gone out on a couple of dates, but my heart just isn't there. maybe I am trying to rush things and just need to let things happen as they should. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 09-29-2013 - 11:12pm

You're's very rare that a man who has affairs will leave his wife.  If he was truly unhappy at home, he'd get a divorce and THEN find another woman.  There may be things he's not happy with at home, but overall, he has no intention of leaving, because, believe it or not, he does love his wife (and children if he has them), he's just looking for something exciting outside of marriage.  Most wives know when their husband is cheating, and if they can't handle it they get a divorce.  There are also many wives who will tolerate cheating, and will not get a divorce, because they know, in the end, he will be with her when they're old and grey!  Rather than being nuts, maybe she's smart and is just waiting for him to settle down. 

I waited for my husband to settle down for many years, and one day I decided that I'd had enough.  He was with one woman for several years and she died of cancer.  Then he found another one, and he was with her for 4-5 years when I filed for divorce.  Guess what?  He didn't WANT a divorce, he fought me tooth and nail, he begged me, he was disgusting!  The divorce went thru, within a month he married the girlfriend, and in a few years, they got divorced!  It's a lot different when you're actually married to a man than it is when you meet him on the sly once or twice a week.  I'm just giving you the wife's point of view.  I wasn't nuts, I didn't have any screws loose.  But I did get tired of it, and his second wife only put up with it for a few years.  Just remember, if they will do it with you, they'll do it to you. 

Your happiness doesn't belong to him!  It's up to you to BE happy, and you can't depend on anyone else, male or female to create your happiness!  Realize that you're lucky you didn't jump from the frying pan into the fire....and get busy and get some happiness in your life.......your single life.  It's out there, you just have to find it, and that doesn't mean a man, that means finding something to do with your life that will help others while it helps you.  That means doing something you've always wanted to do, travel to somewhere you've always wanted to go.......Make your own happiness. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 10:25am

Yes you are trying to rush things by trying to find someone else immediately.  There are many reasons why people can't have someone they want to be with--maybe the guy doesn't like you as much as you like him, maybe he moves away, etc.  It happens to everyone & it's not like you can get over it in a week.  What you need to do is keep busy doing things that don't involve men--go out with your girlfirends and not to bars to try to meet guys--do something athletic, see a movie, go out to lunch.  As more time passes, you will forget about him.  It's not like there's only one person in life you could love.