Is there no place SAFE for us!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Is there no place SAFE for us!!!!!!!!!
38
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 12:32pm
I'm so angry I could just spit! Just when you think you have a safe place like HooksRoom to post it gets infiltrated by that evil board. I'm so tired of not being able to trust anybody!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 11:10am
I'm sorry, I have to disagree. Affairs do not *just* happen. I mean when you spend time devising ways to be discreet and hide it, that's not *just* happening. That's careful thought and planning. An attraction may *just* happen. But when you decide to carry that attraction beyond the lines of morality, that doesn't *just* happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 1:44pm
You know, it's really kinda funny that they call us a cheating support board over on that site. While the name of this group is "My Affair Support," I don't think that's what this board is at all. For anyone who comes here thinking about starting an affair, what's the first thing we normally tell them? RUN! We really don't advise this lifestyle and, to be honest with you, without this board I might have done some things I'd regret by now. So many times people have posted advice that has put everything in perspective and kept me on the right path. But someone coming through here just skimming over a few posts wouldn't see that. This goes into the "everything happens for a reason" theory, which I know a lot of us don't subscribe to -- but I feel sometimes like all the pain I'm going through is worth it if I can come here and help one person who's going through something similar. If I can keep one person from making the same mistakes I have... I know others feel the same way. What we don't see are the number of people who have ended their affairs or stopped before they started because of what they read here. The turnover here is ENORMOUS. What do you think is happening to a lot of those people? How many of them got out because of the pain they saw us going through???
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 2:13pm

hey lilah -- i totally agree with you!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 3:20pm
Please read all the way through.

I've never posted on this board before, but I've been lurking for quite a while. I have never had an affair, but I was cheated on repeatedly by a boyfriend I had for more than 4 years. I came a few times after I found out, but wasn't ready to understand your side of the story.

Several months later I was still holding on to anger and resentment for the OW. Nothing I tried made me feel any better. Even though I had dumped my bf I still couldn't move on. Thats when I decided to check back here. After reading back through the archives I began to feel like I knew many of you. When I first learned about the affair I could only picture the OW as a one dimensional person. Since coming here I've begun to see her differently, as not just the OW but a women.

I chose to come here because I needed to undertand and see the "other side of the coin". I was hurting and I apologize for invading your space. It was wrong for me to have come here, but I feel that I am a more accepting person now. I came with the view that all affairs are wrong, but now I feel that it's not fair for me to judge someone else's choices when I haven't been in their situations.

I've often wanted to share sympathy, a hug or lend any kind of support I could to you ladies but have felt unable to introduce myself. I hope you'll let me stay, but I'll understand and respect your wishes if you would prefer it if I left.

Lynne

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 4:58pm

Hi Lynne,


Firstly... I'll say congratulations to you.... why? for being able to understand that we are people... people who just want to be happy and live our lifes.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 5:08pm
Hi Lynne, As far as I'm concerned you are very welcomed here! I think that it's very honorable of you to come forward and let us know how you are/were thinking and feeling. I think, that I’m one of the few here that is involved in my EMA for the sex. Don't get me wrong, my MM and I are dear friends and we love and respect our time together even when sex is not involved. I have been in my non-intimate/sexless marriage for almost 12 years. After a while, I said enough is enough. There were many a night that I cried myself to sleep not understanding why my H didn't want me. My H hurt my heart plenty not just with the no intimacy thing (there’s always more to the story).! I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all have our own unique stories and we all learn from each other. I am sorry that you were hurt by this ex-BF. Good luck and you can buzz me anytime:) NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 7:00pm
Thanks Sweet,

I completely understand why anyone here would be wary of someone like me. I'm not here to cause problems or make anyone uncomfortable. That said, I know that it will take time to prove that I am trustworthy and not here because of any ulterior motives. Just to heal and grow.

If anyone does feel uncomfortable or wishes to talk with me more privately, please send me an e-mail.

Lynne

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 7:59pm
Hi Lynne,

Yea, it is pretty neat being able to get some perspective from OW. I am not having an A and thankfully, I am not a BS and hopefully, neither will occur. I did have a ex BF long ago who had a one night stand on me when he went out of town. I was not devastated, but disappointed with him. After all, I could have been doing my own thing too if he wanted it like that. I was more upset at the dishonesty than the actual act. We had discussed the possibility of us seeing other people before but he wanted us to be true blue and I committed to that. The problem was he wanted to be able to play around but was too insecure to even think about me doing the same. But aside from the former BF, I've seen all sorts of friends, and family friends having A's and affected by their SO's having A's. I've always wondered why someone would cause so much pain to themselves and to others. It's hard to get a staight answer from anyone who has A's especially if you know them personally because there are things they are ashamed to admit to. Many of the women on this board are a bit more open (much of the time) since things are more annonymous here. Don't get me wrong, this is a great board. You also may want to check out "All Sides of the Affair" from the Redbook community. I just realized it was there the other day and it is where BS, OW, and people like me can go at length with conversations without feeling like they have violated any rules. Here is the link:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rbmyaffair

But still check out this board, "My Affair Support", too. I've learned a lot from these ladies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 12:09am
lynne, hi and welcome to this board feel free to ask me anything that you want to know.

I totally understand what you went through, My hubby cheated on me and when i found out it was very hard to deal with, we worked things out the best that we could for the kids. Then last fall I met a man that I grew to love very much and I am now having an A.

I see things from both sides of the fence now. I was always so sure that I would never end up here that the other woman was always not a good person , but now i too know differently....

If you ever want to chat email me

later

SB

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 12:26am
Hi Sb,

Just wondering, does your H know about your A? I don't really justifie A's (esp if you know OM's SO or something), but the only time I would justify an A is if my BF/SO/H were having an A. Not that two wrongs make a right, but I would feel no need for only one person to keep the agreement/promise/vow meant for both people and one person should not deprive themselves of romance if their SO is looking outside the relationship for it. And even then, I don't know if I would involve myself in an A due to all the complications that seem so prevalent. So I was just wondering if your H knows and if so, how is he taking it? I would imagine he could not criticize you for something he did. But oddly enough, many people have initiate the original A in the relationship are those who protest the most if/when somone has an A on them. Typcial double standard stuff here. Just looking for some perspective on this matter.

Pen