Is there such a thing as 100%?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Is there such a thing as 100%?
5
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 11:40pm
Well many of you know my story. I'm currently in counseling with my W but headed towards separation. She and I don't have similar communication or emotional needs. I feel sure most of the time that I can't really be the person I am within the confines of this M. But it is difficult because she is making an effort. She tries to show interest in the things I am interested in and she has tried to open up more. I just can't help feeling it is all futile and that once she feels she "has" me, she will revert back to her previous ways. I feel this way because it happened almost immediately when I put myself fully into the counseling. She stopped opening up. It was like she thought she had "won" already so why keep trying.

Anyway, I guess I have moments of doubt because I do care about her and we have 11 years of history and 8 years of marriage. We also have a 4 year old son and another son on the way in July. So logic tells me I should stay because I have so much to lose. But I feel if I do stay, I'll be losing part of myself that I've just recently found again. I mean I could stay and not be completely miserable. I've done that for a long time already. But how much more of my life should I put into something I don't believe in? Is it better to keep trying if you don't believe in the M? Or is it better to move on now and give us both a chance to find someone while we're still relatively young? Again, in my mind, I'm not really conflicted. I know that I want to move on. But I'm still scared as hell. I've never been alone and I've never had a time where I didn't see my son everyday. I guess I'm just looking for strength to do what I feel is right. Maybe I'll regret leaving one day, but I know I would regret staying. I don't know what I'm even saying anymore. I just wish I could have 100% confidence in something for once in my life. But I guess that wouldn't be life would it? It would be fantasy.

I should mention for those of you who don't know that I do have an OW. I ended contact with her when I started counseling with my W, but we have recently started talking again. I'm sure her being there affects my decision. But in some ways, she gives me the strength I need to keep working towards what I feel is right. I'm not under any illusions that I'll jump into a R with her and live happily ever after. I'm not using her though either. I do love her and once I get past my current situation and feel emotionally ready, I hope to build something serious with her. I'm just not kidding myself that there are any guarantees of that.

Anyway, thanks for anyone who took the time to read this. I'd welcome all comments as always. I probably sound more conflicted than I am because I'm kind of at a low point right now. Thanks again.

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 2:16am
Omahamm,

i always try to offer my 2 cents to you since our stories have a few similarities. i hope something i say here and there offers a little help.

i think, for some people there is "100%" and for some people not. And, one thing i have learned through all this, is 100% doesn't even really mean 100%. When my MM "changed his mind" about leaving, while i do and did understand thoroughly, i also believed he MEANT it at the time he was saying it (matter of fact i know he meant it at the time). There is no 100% in life.

However, we CAN make the right decisions for ourselves at any particular moment, and THAT really should be the goal perhaps. i left my marraige 7 months ago and am going through divorce. i KNOW that was the right decision. Sometimes i feel 100% about it, and sometimes not, but i have the tendency to see always both sides of the situation. i think SOME people make a choice and NEVER doubt it. i visit the "divorced under 30" board, and just about every one who is there long term posts about having doubts even though they know the divorce is the right thing to do.

Also, being the "leavee" offers us a different perspective...different feelings at different times then if we were "left".

One more thing before i close my trap hehe :) it always seems like the spouses that are being left only 'try' after the leaving spouse is....leaving. i understand this is the 'jolt' some of them need, but a big part of me feels that that is just not fair. This was the case in my MM's case. i understand that actions (trying) are worth a thousand words, that if you are unhappy, and they are able to change things and do, this is a wonderful thing. But, isn't the time to think about the R, to change, to put forth effort, to try, is when the leaving spouse comes to you the first time, of fifth time, or tenth time, or twentieth time, not when they are packing their bags. Of course my H only tried for about two seconds LOL. i just think it speaks volumes when they don't change until you have one foot out the door.

i think you are doing the right thing you are just realizing it's harder then you thought. i know i did the right thing when i left my H, but i also found out it WAS harder than i thought. But sometimes things that are hard, are still RIGHT.

Good luck to you. Seems to me you have a heart of gold. Your OW is very lucky!!!!

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 10:25am
Hi Omaha,

I'm glad you have this board to come to, to be honest with yourself and get it out - I hope it helps some just doing that. It's ok to be scared, because you are strong enough to work through it and will learn and grow from it, no matter your decision!

You have written a few times that, to you, loving and being loved is what life is all about...so your number one value right now is love - and I had posted that life is more, which means my number one value right now is not love (maybe because I am happy in my relationship as it is right now). What are the other aspects of life you value? Do you think the priority of those values change as you change? Are yours and W's values similar?

There are so many facets to a relationship, and certainly communication and emotional needs being met are important - and if the desire is there, one can work on meeting those needs for their partner. But if our partner's values are not similar, I don't know that one can/should change the order of importance of their values (and certainly not the actual values) to meet their partners - that is when we loose ourselves. I believe we can keep our values and in the order we desire them, while respecting our partner's values are similar but in a different sequence with both partners compromising - and we'll change and grow individually and with our partner this way.

xH & I began with similar values and goals - love (get married), security (house with a picket fence), give (children and a dog)...and some different individual values. In hindsight I can see that our other values were drastically different, and as the sequence of them for each of us changed, we grew apart. That and the communication and emotional needs - though to me that (honesty, trust, respect) is a part of our values that were so different. We just couldn't understand where the other was coming from because our values and our perspective because of those values were so different.

Again, it doesn't make either xH or I wrong to not understand the other's values - perhaps he's met someone who has the same values as he does and they can communicate and meet each other's needs in their own way. I've often read on the board here how one feels they have met their soul mate or their other half, and maybe this is what describes how I feel about MM (I could swear he can read my mind, lol) because we value the same things.

But of course it's not 100% or I or you or anyone else would never have a doubt or experience pain - but then, I don't know that we would be living and learning by tripping through life on a constant happy high - it seems we should go introspective (which usually occurs when we are unhappy/in pain) to learn and grow. It's not 100% certain, but on the flip side it's not 100% uncertain - keep scratching at your fearful layer and when you reach the percentage you are comfortable with, then you'll make the decision that is best for you in that moment.

Just my humble opinion based on how I feel right now, lol - I've got lots of learning and living to do, and can't profess to know it all or even be correct at this point! Thanks for the muse!

Meow

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 2:35pm
omaha, there is no 100 % when it comes to an A, but it can be in a mongamous relationship. Depends on the maturity and sincereity of the person in the R. We all have moments of doubts but don't let them make you the person you shouldn't be, ie, a doubter. Any R that is plagued with doubts will go only so far, you have to have believe in it to make it happen. Its like belief in God, you beilieve in Him or you don't - and the benefit you get from the spiritual experience it is dependent of the depth of your belief in Him. So, omaha, don't let your doubts and past experiences your future experiences and relationships - let them just be a learning experience - not the norm. Good Luck!

oops, Meow, I didn't mean to post to you and call you omaha. Sorry! :(


Edited 3/6/2004 2:39:11 PM ET by anotherlifeforme

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 1:08am
No. There is no such a thing as 100%. I don't even find it sensible to expect any guarantees of anything. For some reason your posts seem to have touched some certain spot in my soul. Even though our situations are not nearly alike and despite our age difference I can still see some similarities. Just like you I believe that loving and being loved is the most important thing in life. I am far from saying that love conquers all. But I do believe that, once found, love is most certainly something worth living for.

I wasted 10 years of my life in a dead loveless marriage because I was convinced that I was doing my best for my son's sake. I was dead wrong but it took me a while to realize it. I understand your fear of being alone. But let me tell you that there is nothing worse than feeling completely lonely while still living with someone you have nothing in common with.

Oh, and speaking of "100% confidence." The love of my life is sound asleep in the bedroom right now. I keep popping my head in there every 5-10 minutes. Just to make sure she's really there and not an illusion.

No, there are no guarantees. But, as one of the most rational women I've ever known once said to me - "you gotta believe."

I am not sure that what I'm saying is going to answer your question. Heck, I am not even sure that I am making any sense at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 9:26am
You make complete sense boston and in a lot of ways, what you say is exactly what I believe to be true. Thank you so much for the reassurance and the hope for the future. :)