Things Change

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Things Change
3
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 12:32pm
I just found this board this week. It is nice to know that there is a place I can go too when I need to feel better about everything. I never ever,ever thought that I would be one to be involved in an affair. My first husband cheated on me and when I found out-I thought my life was over. That first year after finding out was the hardest of my life. So I always thought that I would never do that to anyone to cause them that kind of pain. And here I am...the man that I am involved with lives a long distance from me. I have known him since married to first husband. Actually met him years ago at first hubbys company picnic. He was ver friendly, married and about 10 years older then me. I was flattered that he was so attentive to me but didnt pay that much attention. Hadnt seen or thought of him in all that time. Then last dec, I got a call from him. Saying that he had ran into my ex and that he had given him my number. We chatted for a bit and he was gonna be in town for a couple days and he wondered if we could have lunch. I said sure...not thinking it would change my life. We had lunch, talked of all that has went on in both our lives. He divorced about the same time the ex and I did. He was involved with a woman for the majority of his single years they had recently split and he had found himself spending time with his ex. We talked about it and he was worried about leading her on..hurting her again. For him to be so concerned about his ex, made me begin to see what a wonderful man he is. I talked to him of my life. How I had married a younger man with 2 children, at first that was all that I said. Didnt go into details just that I had remarried and things were fine. I hadnt been happy in a long long time...but had always thought I would just suck it up and make the best of things. But the OM and I stayed in touch..talked frequently and I began to open up more. Telling him how hubby just wasnt the most resposible man. He left frequently and left me with my children and his. That as time went on I realized that he wouldnt never be responsible- that in the 8 years we had been married that he had had 22 diff jobs. That sometimes I felt that I was the only adult in my family. That sometimes the responsiblity of it all made me alittle crazy. He listened, he gave me a shoulder to cry on and I found myself becoming more attached to him. Then last time he was here. He admitted to me that he loved me. That even way back when we first met he was attracted to me and that the attraction had never went away. I was surrpised I thought my feelings for him were just me...me fantaszing about him. Things have progressed and now I am in such a confused state. He wants me to leave my H and come to him. He wants marriage, everything. I have one son still at home. That would mean uprooting him at the age of 14. The step daughters are 15 and 11. The eldest has always been hard...always fought her dad and I's relationship and although she hates to admit it..she sees me as her parent. My H, I am not sure how he sees me..the one that makes sure bills are paid, house is clean and kids are taken care of...

So my dielema is, do I do the thing that I really want..go to him, make my life with him?? Can I really base my happiness on the others sadness?? Have I become what I always swore I wouldnt?? A cheating spouse?? These are the issues I deal with daily. The OM will tell me he wants me, he wants us to be together but that it has to be my decision because he knows what leaving will mean to me...

Thank you for listening and letting me get it all out...any input would be great!

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
In reply to: suznbaby
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 1:24pm
Hi Suzn

First, welcome to the board. It's saving my sanity, one day at a time, and I don't think I'm the only one.

Next... well, you must make quite the impression. This OM has gone to plenty trouble to pursue you now that he is available. He didn't do it when he was attached, so that's good. He doesn't seem to have pushed, and that's good too.

I guess the real questions are pretty basic. Rhetorical, just things to think about.

Have you talked to you H about his actions? Has there been any progress?

What are the circumstances surrounding his first M? Is he duplicating past mistakes?

Do you really believe he will ever be any different? Do you think he wants to be?

If he changes today, will you be happy or will you resent that he's been difficult for so long?

No one here is basing their happiness on others' sadness. That would mean we're in As because we like hurting other people and it makes us feel good. Instead, we've found something in the A that we didn't have before, some interaction or emotion or comfort -- something. Your happiness sounds like it's being based on being happy, nothing more.

As for becoming what you swore you wouldn't... well, things change. For me, it's been very educational and enlightening to realize "judge not, lest ye be judged." Everyone's circumstances are different and going around saying "never" about anything is just an invitation to the universe to test you. LOL.

There are a few of us here who will probably be quick to sympathize. For my part, I just moved out last weekend. It was truly very difficult on lots of levels, and I have no childern to consider. Your decision probably won't be a quick one, and it probably won't be an easy one, but in the end... just do what you really believe is right, don't take anyone's opinions that don't resonate in your heart and mind, and know that the truly hard part is making a decision. The follow through is vastly easier. And after only a week... I'll tell you, it *appears* that the post decision path is much easier to walk.

Good luck. We're all here, feel free to talk and vent and share all you like.

rain


Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: suznbaby
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 1:25pm
Hi Suz, I am a firm believer that we owe happiness to ourselves. The people that we love around us will understand in time. Life is way to short to live in unhappiness. I guess that is why I will be filing for a d from my husband of 12 years very soon. It going to be a long hard fight ahead of me but I know it will all be worth it even if I lose my home. I wish you luck, come here to vent and ramble or just chat at any time:) NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
In reply to: suznbaby
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 3:38pm
HI Again,

First, thank you for the kind words and support. I feel much better just talking about it. I have talked to H about it- the things that I would like to change. He attempts it and it lasts for a few days..maybe weeks. We have had problems in the past but his hold on me was/is the children. His first wife passed away when the kids were 1 and 7. We have been together for almost 8 years now. During this time I have seen him thru the job changes, the moodiness, the lack of money, the time he has been gonefrom home with various jobs, at one time he wanted to drive a truck and was gone from Sept til Christmas -not home once. During that time...which was winter in Indiana had to deal with power outages-keeping everyone warm and pump freezing...was horrible winter. All those things and never once did he say..do you want me to come home. When he finally did, I explained that this is not what I married for that I could handle alot, but I was reaching a point that I just wanted out. He worked on it then, for awhile but we fell back into the same thing. My mom once told me she thought me married me to take care of things for him. Dont get me wrong- in the begining it was great...we shared everything. I am not sure when it happened all the changing.

My OM is so great...he understands or at least tries to understand why I am having such a hard time. He knows that I worry about my son adjusting to change.. I hate the idea of my son having to move to another state and make new friends and start all over. And the step children..although it has been tough..I am their security. And once he told me if I ever left he would send them to their grandparents( his in laws)..and that isnt good. They went to visit a couple years ago. Was to spend all summer break visiting that side of the family. They were there about a week when the oldest( who told me before she went she never wanted to see me again)called me crying wanted me to come get her. H said no that they would work it out. I couldnt stand the thoughts of them not being treated well so I left drove 16 hours there and 16 hours back in a weekend to get them...I did..not he..not us..I did.

Rain, I didnt mean to imply that I thought anyone else was creating their happiness out of someone elses sadness...I guess I just feel so responsible for all those around me. That is just how I feel about my situation.

Once again I have rambled on for awhile...I will try to get shorter with my posts..:) and thanks again for listening..