Things getting tangled ... help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Things getting tangled ... help
3
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 12:17pm
EMA is almost 2 yrs now, on and off, mostly a FWOB/FWB situation, and lately FWOB. He separated w/ W almost a month now and he's losing it. The problem is I like him married, being married is what is good for him. We talked about it and I'm doing everything I can to help him keep it together, advice, etc. The problem is that unless they reconcile I am feeling a strong need to pull back from the R. Esp. in light of what's going on in my M as DH and I are discussing the real possibility of separating, DH doesn't want it and it's more me feeling tired of putting up w/ his verbal/emotional abusive rages. I love him but he has a real problem. I'm trying to compartmentalize, keeping things separate but I feel it is getting all convoluted. Being w/ MM actually helped me cope better in my M. Right now I feel I need to omit men from my life entirely. If me and DH split I would feel the need to distance myself from MM whether or not he reconciles or not, more so if he does not.

As I type this I'm thinking that I will distance myself from MM and let him work his own issues out while I do the same. If I sound confused, that's because I am.

Any words of wisdom out there???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 1:37pm
yes, luvin, and here they are -- BE TRUE TO YOURSELF AND MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY! not MM, not H, not anyone else, just you!

back off MM for awhile, but let him know you need time for YOU, not because of his situation. and really, really try to figure out what YOU want for the future. i know, i know -- that's hard to do because you feel obligated to everyone else except yourself, but it's time to face the music, girl.

once you figure out what you want for yourself, you can move in that direction. MM can take care of himself, as can your H. they are big boys!! and remember, they are doing what is best for them.

good luck,

gurl

Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 1:58pm
Luvin, my jaw is on the floor. I have been feeling much like you about my M and my MM (even though I would keep him just for sex). I'm at a stage in my life where I kinda wanna be alone! Gurl, I love you:):) NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 3:02pm
Thanks so much Gurlfriend & NMR! Actually, I feel exactly the way you both put it. I know I've got to think of myself, they're responsible for them and me for me. And yes, I think I've got compartmentalizing down to a science (most of the time) and I can use MM (or H for that matter) just for the sex. BTW NMR, whom were you referring to, MM or H? H is better in that area as he knows me and my body whereas w/ MM the passion is wild, but since he's younger he doesn't have much self control (or experience) to know any better and has absolutely NO staying power.

NMR, I'm thinking of just concentrating on my work and forgetting men altogether. It's taking up too much energy. I can't live my life around these men, esp. MM who is reacting to his W's vascillating who in turn is dumping on me. Time to move on.

Thanks so much ladies. You are the best!

Luvin