Thinking About an A

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2004
Thinking About an A
8
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 6:29pm
My wife had an affair last year and we are just coming up on one year since D-Day. She's done everything to make things up to me, but I'm still struggling with what happened. I find myself fantasizing a lot about other women. I guess I think being with another woman will help me with my pain. I really don't want to "use" anyone, and I would never look for another married woman. Some guy I am, eh? I guess that by applying "rules", I'm trying to justify an A.

I'm guessing that some of you started your A under similar circumstances. I'm curious how you fared: do you regret what happened? Did your marriage survive both of you having an A? Am I kidding myself about needing an A, and should I be grateful that I have a very loving and very remorseful wife?

Oh man, I can't make sense of where my head is and what I'm trying to say - I'm all messed up! I don't know if I want someone to talk me out of this, or someone to talk me through it. I guess I just needed to post this. I really would appreciate your thoughts.


Edited 4/20/2004 9:30 pm ET ET by allmessedup2004

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 8:55pm
Just wanted to offer hugs and a note that most of us here are quite messed up so you are on the right board :) Other than that there are many factors that contribute to married people seeking affairs. Affair is a like a band aid for a major wound, it might stop the blood flow for a while but for long term you need stitches. Marriage needs to be worked at and one needs to look at reasons that prompt affairs. If it’s something that can be fixed, fix it...if not then get out of it. I have also realized that it’s not always the voids in a marriage that prompt affairs but individual personal voids that need to be identified and fixed. Another point I have noted by looking at people in happy marriages is that organized religion or something that gives you personal fulfillment (in case there is not something solidly bad in your marriage that you could think of that might be contributing to its state) helps a lot.

Just a note.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 10:19pm
allmessedup,

Give yourself more time, 1 yr is a pretty short time period and not knowing your whole story you might have avoided alot of your pain to help your wife deal with hers. Did she mourn the loss of the relationship with the OM, did you both go to counseling. What you seem to be feeling is that your marriage relationship has now become uneven. She has and will always have this experience that she can reflect back upon with possibly fondness, a special time, yet there is no such experience for you. Whether she truely will relate to it in that manor, I don't know, but my inclination is that your struggling with this type of thought. You said that your wife was very remorseful, but your letter would indicate to me that even if the above is true, she has not made you feel her love for you is secure. If you just truely need to balance the scale, then skip the affair, instead take that trip you both have always dreamed of to Europe or some where. Stay for a month or too with your wife having to stay at home. You will have the advantage then because whoever heard of anyone showing family and friends pictures of their affair. You will also have something that you can talk about anytime at parties, weddings, family, she can't do any of those things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 12:07am

Hi allmessedup and welcome aboard,


The first thing I want to ask... is have you forgiven your wife??? you must be able to forgive to move on... it doesn't mean you have to forget... but forgive her for her mistake.


If you can't... then I think that you should seek individual counselling to find out why... and more importantly... whether you can.


I feel in your situation... an affair on your part will only make circumstances between you much worse... if you wife was to find out... she may simply see it as revenge on your part... even though that may not be the case.


I really do think counselling would be the best start for you.


Good luck and do let us know how you are going... we are here to support you no matter what.


luv and hugs

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My Affair Support
Email me

"Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly"

"Happiness is like a butterfly, if pursued it is always out of our reach. However if we sit quietly, it comes and rests gently on our shoulder"

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 8:54am
If you haven't already, I suggest you also post at the Betrayed Spouses Support Group at iVillage, also the All Sides of An Affair at the Redbook magazine site on iVillage. Lily
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 10:53am
Well All Messed Up:

I went through the same thing about 3 years ago with my H. He cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend before we married. I was devastated but always said I would seek revenge although I did tell him I would forgive him, even though deep down now I know I didn't. It's a hard situation to go through.

Also, I believe he was sincere when he apologized and promised to never make me suffer that way. In my situation, there was also physical/verbal abuse, which makes it even harder to forget.

I'm still trying to deal with that.

Anyways, back to the other, after years of thinking of having an affair, I never thought it would happen but it did. I met a wonderful guy who treats me like a queen, I wish I had met him earlier.

I only went into this EMA thinking it would be sexual and to get back at my H but guess what? I'm in love with my OM. I think about him constantly and now have even thought about a separation with H. Many things have made me want this separation, not only the EMA but the abuse, his betrayal, etc.

My advice to you is if you love your wife, don't have the affair, it only complicates things. And take it from me, we didn't go to counseling after his affair, I would suggest you go. And let me tell you, it takes more than 1 year to ease the pain. As for me, now I don't feel any pain because I have another person and I could care less what my H does because I do not love him any longer but it serves him right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 12:27pm
Wow -- there is still so much bitterness in your post, Confused. I know this is really about Allmessedup and his confusion over the pain he felt as his wife's betrayal, but perhaps it would be good if he listened to the pain in your response. I think the answer is there. Allmessedup, do you want revenge? If so, it sounds like an affair might be the way to go... but it surely isn't the way to make your marriage stronger. If you do want the marriage to work perhaps a better answer would be to confront what is still causing you pain. If you can get through that, I really think you may not feel the burning need to have an affair. And Confused... I just want to say (in love) that we all let our partners down in some way. It's a good thing I haven't had to pay for every bad act I've committed. I'm not justifying your H's affair or his abuse of you, but if you continue to feel so bitter you will only cause yourself pain. Let's face it, he's probably not even aware of how much pain he's causing you. Maybe you, too, need to seek some kind of counseling. I'm not being judgemental, believe me. I'm just concerned for you. Hugs to both of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 12:51pm
Saturday, no hard feelings, point well taken. I totally agree with you. I do think I need counseling.

I just wanted allmessedup to see what my story looked like. I'd hate for anyone else to go through what I'm going through. It's devastating. I just think an affair was not the solution to my already existing problems.

I know one day I'll know what the best thing is for my M and A and I'll take steps in that direction.

Allmessedup-if you love your wife, try to make your marriage work. It's worth a try. Like said before in this board, an affair is a rollercoaster of emotions.

Saturday-you are so right about being bitter. I don't want to feel this way towards him anymore. He is changing and I commend him for that although the love is not there anymore. I'm going to give our M, on more try and if that doesn't work, then I will make sure I tell him straight out because it's not fair to both of us.

Hugs to both of you and thanks for your honest advice. That's exactly what I needed to hear to kick me back into the swing of things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 2:10pm
Thanks everyone, and thanks to the people who emailed me via my profile. It’s ironic that I really don’t feel like I need revenge, but somehow I think that sharing intimacy with another woman will help my pain. I’m still angry and haven’t really forgiven my wife. You’d think I’m crazy if you knew what’s she done for our marriage and me.

I don’t know why I cling to the pain and anger. Forgiveness wasn’t a virtue I remember learning while growing up. My family has had rifts between brother and sister that likely will never be resolved (often over seemingly stupid misunderstandings). I don’t want to be like that, and I don’t want to hurt my wife. I’m not blaming anything on my parents here – just wanted you to understand that I wasn’t taught by example to forgive.

Another cause of my recent setback is I am a date/anniversary freak. I noted about a dozen significant dates in a journal I kept for a few weeks after D-Day (I should delete that damn thing); all were between April 5 and May 31 (our D-Day). I’m now reliving them once again a year later. The sexual part of the A started just about a year ago this week, and I’m having a tough time getting past that.

We have been to counseling and I think it saved our marriage. I think about calling our counselor (haven’t seen her in several months) just to see if what I’m experiencing is unusual or common. She’s a “no-nonsense” mature Christian woman, so she’ll probably knock some sense into me.

We have only missed church as a family once or twice since D-Day. I know I’m supposed to give my pain to God. I know I’m supposed to focus on Him and not me. Maybe someday I’ll really grasp how to do this, and to let go.

Despite all this, I STILL want to experience what she did. I want to know the thrill, the passion, and the ecstasy. Well, all I have to do is look at what the A did to her to see the pain and humiliation that it caused her, and the thrill, passion, and ecstasy morph into an ugly ball of misery. The OM turned against her when he almost lost his marriage. As far as I can tell (and per her absolute promises), she has no fond memories of him or the A, just disgust with herself.

Thank you all for your wise words. I’ll try not to reply to future responses because I don’t want to bump this post above new ones. I will thank everyone now that will reply to this any further.

Be good guys and gals ;)

AMU