Thinking of an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thinking of an affair
29
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 1:22pm
Hi everyone,

I am new to this board..39 MM of 13 years. We have 3 children and in most cases a good life together.

I have never agreed on affairs, however I am at a point in my life where I am lonely and cannot take it anymore.

My wife's low libido has driven a wedge bettween us that I don't think will ever be resolved.

I need intimacy to help to feel loved. Having a partner that has desire once per month is not acceptable. I know she loves me, but I am unable to feel it in the ways "I" require it.

Some of you know what I am talking about I am sure.

However, I guess my question is... is it worth it to find someone else to provide what my DW is apparently unable to provide?

Why shouldn't I just leave her instead.

Please try to give me all the pros and cons of what your experiences have taught you.

I have worked hard at my marriage, and don't want to throw it away, but I don't know how much longer I can stay faithful.

Thank you for any and all advise.

Don

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 1:42pm
don...

well my man, from my experience in an EMA, I say DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!! If you can avoid it...please do so. Instead talk to your wife. Tell her that you are having a problem with her lack of desire. Buy a book, rent a porno, talk dirty to each other, take her out for a romantic excursion, anything but do the affair route. The unhappiness you are feeling now will only be amplified by have an EMA. Heck, maybe even counseling, hiring a babysitter would help and go on a weekend away just the two of you. Take a cruise, try try try to boost it in your marriage...Tell her if something doesn't give, you don't know if you can handle the marriage...get her attention...anything...

Now after saying all that, I'll say this...if however, you disregard my warnings, and my advice...and come back and say you've started an affair...I'll still support you BTDT and got busted...so I'll try to help you anyway I can...but first if I were you, and what I wish I had done...was communicate my feelings to the best of my ability to get your point across. Marriage isn't easy...please try before giving up...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 1:46pm
There is a "All Sides of an Affair" forum at the Redbook site on iVillage. People post from both sides of the issue there and you might post your question and receive some insight. If your wife realizes how far "gone" you are, perhaps she would agree to some counseling--there are ways to increase libido (medication, movies, etc.). Lily
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 2:21pm
The other posters have written good suggestions.... so I'll just remind you of the one bad thing that comes back to haunt all of us and that is the fact that no matter how hard we try we all seem to fall head over freaking heels in love with the new person.

Nothing but heartbreak from there my friend.

elf

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 2:26pm
I totally understand how you feel, I spent 10 years of my life in a sexless marriage, only mine was also loveless which I don't think yours is judging from your post. I understand your resentment, anger, feeling lonely and craving to be loved. I am not going to say that I never thought about having an affair just so that I could feel alive again. There were times when I was very tempted. It was so bad that fantasy-wise I was having sex with every good-looking chick that crossed my way. I never acted on my fantasies though and in all honesty I am not sure now whether to be proud of it or feel sorry for myself. That was long ago. Now that I am not married anymore and have been involved with a woman that I love to no end and that is not yet available to share her life with me I've come to realize that I am one of those people who are not cut out for having affairs. You have to ask yourself whether or not you belong to that category. Can you manage being in a strictly sexual affair? What if with time you develop feelings for a person you are having an affair with?

I don't know if I can give you any sound advice but I think it would be better to resist the temptation. If your marriage is otherwise good maybe the sexual part of it is worth working on. I wonder if you've ever actually seriously discussed and explained to your wife that your needs are not being met by her.

Again as I said the decision is yours. Just keep in mind that having an affair is not going to magically solve your problem. Think long and hard before taking any action. The cost might end up being too high.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 2:31pm
Don- Hmmmm... I find your post interesting. I am a 39 MW who has zero desire for my H. Been M for 11 yrs w/ 2 great kids. Not sure why I lost my libido for H, but I did. I had an affair of the heart with a MM. (No IC). However, three weeks ago my H foujnd out and now we are working on getting our M back in shape. I'll be the first to admit that I still have strong feelings for MM and that I am not 100% devoted to the M and the counseling. I am giving it a shot however based on much great advice from folks here, Bad Kitty being one of the most influential people for me.

I can't tell you what to do, I can only agree with BK. Talk to her... maybe had my H and I communicated when problems started I would not be in this mess.

An A, whether it be physical or emotional is painful as much as it is thrilling.

Take care and keep us informed. This board has been a god-send to me. I don't always like what I am told, but that's what 'friends' are for.

Again, look into yourself and if you do find a 'someone', hang on to your hat!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 3:14pm


Thank you for your response,

I have tryed just about everything..short of counciling (I know thats a big one), we have talked about this many times. She would say things like..."if you helped-out more..if you kept yourself more tidy"..etc.etc.. all of these things I have done. Yet, nothing has really changed.

I have yet to talk to her about how close I am to straying either, which I think needs to be done.

I don't as yet have anyone in mind for an affair anyways, but I am appreciative of you advice.

Thank you,

Don


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 3:24pm
Welcome to the board. I have several thoughts after reading your post....my first is to get counselling NOW. Tell your wife, in clear language, in no uncertain terms, that you love her, but the marriage is in trouble, but that you want desparately to save it. See if that doesn't help. If she's not going for it, then, personally, I see nothing wrong with having an affair to round out your life, so long as you're able to keep your priorities straight. The problem will be in finding someone who doesn't want the emotional involvement. My SO (previously my OM, but I'm almost divorced now) has said time and again that if my stb-exh had stepped up to the plate, sexually, years ago, that I would have stayed with him through the last turbulent years. He may have been right, so that is my advice to you...get counselling to improve the sex life (which doesn't deteriorate in a vacuum) and hopefully you can still save this thing.

Good luck and welcome to a board where you can feel free to be you.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 3:25pm
I have posted there as well...thank you.

She does not really know how far I have "gone" and I guess I need to talk about it to her.

There is no "magic pill" to increase desire, and even if there was she would not take it.

She is looking into depression as a possile cause to her general malaise to life, so maybe thats what is wrong.

Thanks for you input

Don

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 3:33pm
I don't know how much advice I can give you; I'm in my forth month of an emotional A with my MM. The physical part will come very soon, as I feel we are both ready for it.

My marriage (20 years) is a little different than yours in that sex was never really the issue, everything else has been. He refused to accept there was a problem with the marriage or that he has a drinking problem. Why do I stay? Two words: The kids. But it can be a sad and lonely life, almost like sleep walking through life because that close emotional and intimate bond with a man was missing. Then along came my MM, and the fear of feeling again.

I would encourage you to seek counceling alone if your wife will not go with you. An A should only be the absolute last resort. You might have to pay a terrible price if caught.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 3:40pm
Thank you for you input. It really make sense.

"If your marriage is otherwise good maybe the sexual part of it is worth working on. I wonder if you've ever actually seriously discussed and explained to your wife that your needs are not being met by her."

We have discussed it many many times, but even though she "said" she is willing to help me out sexually if I want it, I can "read" her so well..I know she would not be into it at all and of course, it would be lousy. Worse, it makes me feel like there is something wrong w/ me etc. And I don't want to feel like that anymore. I would rather go without sex that to have it like that.

I have spent alot of time at the Clashing Libido's board, and everyone there is in the same bout. We want our marriages to work "but" it is torture staying.

Thanks again for your insight.

Don

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