Thinking of an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thinking of an affair
29
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 1:22pm
Hi everyone,

I am new to this board..39 MM of 13 years. We have 3 children and in most cases a good life together.

I have never agreed on affairs, however I am at a point in my life where I am lonely and cannot take it anymore.

My wife's low libido has driven a wedge bettween us that I don't think will ever be resolved.

I need intimacy to help to feel loved. Having a partner that has desire once per month is not acceptable. I know she loves me, but I am unable to feel it in the ways "I" require it.

Some of you know what I am talking about I am sure.

However, I guess my question is... is it worth it to find someone else to provide what my DW is apparently unable to provide?

Why shouldn't I just leave her instead.

Please try to give me all the pros and cons of what your experiences have taught you.

I have worked hard at my marriage, and don't want to throw it away, but I don't know how much longer I can stay faithful.

Thank you for any and all advise.

Don
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 3:45pm
Lucky,

Thank you for your response.

I will look into the counciling, and I see that as a last ditch attempt.

Don

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 3:45pm
Don,

Maybe counseling is the way to go. You didn't mention the ages of your children. Also, I do not have children, but have heard having several younguns in the house can tend to curb a woman's libido. Also medically her hormones may not be balanced properly. Perhaps she should go to the doctor and get a blood test. I know that if she loves you, which you say she does, she would be willing to try all these things. Especially if you told her you might as well go find physical intimacy from someone else. That would definitely get my attention as a wife...LOL But don't accuse. I say sit down with her and tell her again...

W, you konw I've talked to you about this before. I would like to be intimate with you X number of times per week. Or you know, at least once a week, or 3 or 4 whatever your ideal is. Tell her the truth, that you want to feel desirable, to know that she loves you, that you wouldn't turn her away if she wanted to, etc.

There are stages in marriage where sex waxes and wanes...but it should be something you can work through. There is a book at the library called LOVE LANGUAGES...can't think of the author. But you pinpoint what each other needs to feel loved. You obviously need a lot of physical intimacy. So does my husband. For me, I'm more of a talker. I want to hear how much he loves me. And I like to have things done for me. Fix my car, do the laundry, make dinner. Husband likes to hear it, and to feel if you know what I mean...LOL But I can make his dinner everyday, he that doesn't make him feel loved, where for me, I know that he must care for me to do those things. To make a long answer longer, it helped us realize what we can do for one another.

Not to be even more personal, but do you please her physically?? I mean, oral and such. Because once H and I started experimenting and our sex was more satisfying for me, then obviously now I want to do it more. Find out what some of her fantasies are...

Now to the extreme, where you are trying and she just isn't. Well then Don, you really have to come to a conclusion within yourself. Not overnight...but if you suggest all these things, and she isn't willing or won't, and you tell her you are thinking of straying and she acts like it doesn't bother her...well maybe you should consider finding someone who will love you the way you need to be loved. I know it would be a tough decision, but it's one that I also had to go through. You should be happy, and well...it's scary for everyone to go there in their thought processes.

But again, I would not suggest and affair. Because it will only complicate matters at home and mentally. The consequences can be very high, and also the ride through it is thrilling and terrifying. You have to be able to handle the rollercoaster. You have to be able to suppress guilt, or even guilt from not feeling so guilty. You have to be a good liar to cover your ass, as needed. It's a high stakes game, and the house almost always wins. Or in your case, the house could be taken away... (sorry a little humor) ...ok well i thought it was clever...

~BK

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 4:41pm
Thank you so much again for you input..

In answer to your questions.. she has yet to get a blood test to rule-out hormonal imbalance. Although its looking like depression could be a factor.

Our children are 5,8, and 11.

She knows what kind of frequency I can live w/..about 2x/wk.

I am aware of her love lanuages, and her of mine but it is never easy keeping up w/ them.

As for the bedroom.. I can't say I ever left her unsatisfied. Giving Oral is my specialty, as well as creativity...I had hoped this would have made it easier for her to say yes to sex....She won't tell me her fantasies or does not know what they are.

I think she is now ready to deal w/ her issues, specifically the depression, but I will push the marriage counciling.

Thank you.

Don

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 5:27pm
Well Don, I wish you and your wife all the luck in the world. Also, like I said in my first reply to you...if for some reason you do find yourself in the throes of an affair, this board can't be beat for emotional support...

Take Care,

~BK

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 6:29pm
Lily,

That's a tough board, its a good thing I have thick skin.lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 10:56pm
Hey Don,

Can I use you sexually if you are interested? MY OM and I just broke up. You seem to be a decent guy so can we hook up?? I liked the part about you being very creative in oral sex, so I thought it wouldn't hurt to ask. *wink*

Juliet

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 6:43am
Hey Don,

You and I are married to the same woman. I've been doing this for 29 years and it never changes. Counsolers have at least pin pointed the problem (childhood sexual abuse) but cannot "fix". They say it's "normal" for her.

Frankly, I wouldn't get a divorce. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. I'm sure there are many things you really enjoy with her. Unfortunately, sex isn't one of them. I figure that I golf with other people, have lunch with other people, catch a beer with other people. My wife isn't interested or available for those things, so I've included sex on the list these days. Take it from a guy that waited too long. It's your life and when you think back...memories of mind blowing sex will make you smile a lot more than memories of never having had an affair.

I'll tell you one more thing. If you were to find a way to get an honest response from your wife, she'd tell you to go ahead because sex is about as meaningfull to her as watching the fourth sporting event on New Years day.

Now, for Juliet (and any of the other interested ladies)...there are several of us that are ready, willing and talented! ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 7:39am
<<>>

Sorry, that you think that, Buddy. We were trying to help not coddle. Come back when you're ready.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 9:20am
Thanks for the offer biscuithd! You made me smile today! It feels so much better to be wanted even though you did mention other ladies on the board... LOL I felt wanted after a long time with your post. That was sweet of you! Hey, while you at it can you send a picture so that it help out in whole process.... LOL J/K
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 9:41am
Like I have any room giving any one advice about this, but here it is anyways. I felt the same way you say you are feeling. I went to H and told him several times how lonely and aggrevated I was. We talked and really didn't get anywhere, so finally he came up with an idea. He initiated a 3some with a friend of ours that had liked me for years. The next thing everyone knew the 3some had turned in to a 2some. And it has stayed that way for over a year now. And to be honest it is a lot more trouble than its worth. Not to mention what are you going to do when the OM/OW wants more out of the relationship. If I could go back I honestly would have just stuck it out with my H. The A didn't make it any better. In fact I think I am even lonelier now then I was. I sit alone at home while Hubby works and my OM is at home with his W. To be blunt all this A has done is cause us all a bunch of grief and hurt feelings. And I don't know if anyone else has told you this but I feel as though I am sort of addicted to this A. Now matter how pissed I am I always run right back to my OM. Its like once you get a taste you have to have more. i hope you find what your looking for here on these boards. I find comfort here because I know all of these people know what I am going through. Come back and let us know how it goes.