Thinking of an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thinking of an affair
29
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 1:22pm
Hi everyone,

I am new to this board..39 MM of 13 years. We have 3 children and in most cases a good life together.

I have never agreed on affairs, however I am at a point in my life where I am lonely and cannot take it anymore.

My wife's low libido has driven a wedge bettween us that I don't think will ever be resolved.

I need intimacy to help to feel loved. Having a partner that has desire once per month is not acceptable. I know she loves me, but I am unable to feel it in the ways "I" require it.

Some of you know what I am talking about I am sure.

However, I guess my question is... is it worth it to find someone else to provide what my DW is apparently unable to provide?

Why shouldn't I just leave her instead.

Please try to give me all the pros and cons of what your experiences have taught you.

I have worked hard at my marriage, and don't want to throw it away, but I don't know how much longer I can stay faithful.

Thank you for any and all advise.

Don

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 9:47am
"Its like once you get a taste you have to have more"

cl-noregretsyet (co-cl of MAS board)
&#16
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 11:16am
Juliet,

Thank you for your offer...I am flattered...It does make me feel good to be wanted......

however, I don't know what I am going to do as yet, and the other thing..we are a long distance away. lol.

Don
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 12:39pm
Juliet,

Glad I made you smile! And of course I can send a photo, just let me know your email address.

Here's another laugh for you. George Burns tells of the time Gracie woke him up in the middle of the night. She says "George, I can't sleep. Make me laugh!". George says..."so, I made love to her".

Bis

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 1:09pm
Don and Bis,

I didn't mean to solicit men on the EMA board. That was not my intention. I was just expressing my frustruations in my affair that just ended. I was feeling so unwanted and used and blue last night. Bis, thank you for taking up my offer even though I meant it as a joke. It was just the kind of pick me up I needed. I really must thank you for that.

I am done with relationships with men for a while. Nothing against you guys on the boards. :) I am doing things that make me happy now, like taking a break from the A (I have no more to give, I have given all). I have joined coupls of courses in the local comm college that will take my mind of all this, and I am going away on a long vacation. Things that I need for me that I have put away for a while now because of him, yes, becuase of him. I thought he needed time with me. Since we are not going any further without any real changes on his part or our situation I am trying re-evaluate my priorities now.

If you are interested to know more about all this I have posted a thread in the Ending board as to what my problems right are with him. I have taken enough crap from XOM and I have reached my saturation point. I need to see his words/thoughts in real life for this R to go any further. I am done with the present way of his dealing with the whole thing - behind false email addys and untraceble calls. I need more affirmation than that, I know I derserve it.

Anyway, I hope you guy find somebody who will fulfill your dreams and desires, whoever that maybe - OW/W. I think we all here need that - the feeling of being alive and wanted.

I wish you guys the best. Good Luck!

Juliet (no more)


Edited 5/14/2004 1:14 pm ET ET by julietsfate

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 4:54pm
Hey Juliet,

No apologies needed! And, as far as I'm concerned I enjoyed the flattery too! The story I'm tellin' is...one of the babes from iVillage hit me. Now, I don't really have anyone that I can actually tell that to, but in my mind, that's the story I'd tell ;)

Heck we all need a little ego boost from time to time. And, I'm not above soliciting, so if anyone else want's to hit on me...

I guess I'd have been a very popular girl, because I doubt that I'd have ever said no.

Bis

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 6:21pm
Hey

After reading over all the responses.. I am not sure what board this is. Yes we all know that having a A is bad.. yes we all know it is stupid and yes we all wish we had better marriages but that did not stop the most of us from having one.

I agree that you should explore all the avenues to make your marriage work. but sometimes for all the wrong reasons we need somthing to make us feel alive. I am sure that is

rationalizing the whole thing. For me I wanted to just feel . After over 20 M is dead.Kids and money make it hard just to end at this time. so after fighting it for a long while jumped in. S was great and to have someone hold me was almost (sort of) as good! LOL

Just wanted to add my 2 cents worth..

PS Just how talented are you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 7:17pm
Hey Over40,

I don't know if I'm convinced that A's are all that bad! The French have long maintained that it takes three to make a marriage work. But, seriously I think we'd all agree that we want to FEEL. And with the right person, we get that in spades!

As to how good we are...well, with my wife, I'm pretty mediocre. At least judging by her reaction. However, with my xOW I was down right amazing. At least she sure made me feel that way!

Bis

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 9:36pm
You say you have come to love a woman who is not available to you, and you are not cut out for an affair. (Me, too.) Is she married, and does she tell you that she wants to leave? Now that you have decided you are not cut out for an affair, what are your plans?

(I don't think I'm cut out for one, either, but I'm head long into one -- 9 months, now -- but I am so miserable I could scream. But the alternative is not to have him at all, and not one I can consider at the moment...)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 11:10am
Don, there are medications that can help libido in women--namely, testosterone in a medically controlled circumstance. Your wife needs a good mental and physical checkup, also a good counsellor for each of you and together. Good luck--Lily

PS If you love her, she doesn't deserve an affair on your part w/o your telling her exactly how you feel. JMHO

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