Thinking of ending my A...(m)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Thinking of ending my A...(m)
6
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 1:08pm
MM and I are currently "taking a break," at my request, because I was struggling with a couple of issues within our A - specifically, my jealousy of his relationship with his W and my fear that we were edging too close to being ONLY physically involved. The plan originally was to end our physical involvement for two weeks so that at least that part of our R would not cloud my vision, so to speak. (This has not, naturally, worked as well as we'd planned, lol). What we have ended up taking a break from is our emotional intimacy. That's not sitting well with me, so I am questioning whether the pain and guilt really outweigh the positives anymore. MM has been very clear all along that he will not leave his W, and at the current point in time I do not want to leave my H. But because I am self-centered and think the world should revolve around me, I want to have my cake and eat it too. I *want* MM to say that he would consider leaving her for me - or at least admit that the possibility exists for the future. He and I are so different in this regard - I am completely open to the potential for change, whereas he is not. Perhaps this is to be our downfall. Anyway, I'm just feeling drained. I'm tired of wondering why he doesn't appear to be making an effort to see me or call more often and then berating myself for being so immature. I'm exhausted from making the effort to be there for him and questioning whether or not I'll receive that support in return. I'm worn out from the strain this has put on my relationships at work and home. In fact, the only benefit I can see to continuing the A is the fact that we love each other immensely. But tell me - does love ever really conquer all?

Rambling now....thanks for reading. Advice welcome ;-)

 

ItalianPisces

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 1:50pm
Honey I have found that some men who cheat, are womanizers. From what you have said, he may be only using you to please himself. You are not happy and your union with him suits only him. Life is too short to feel the way you do, break it off, have no contact.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 2:09pm
Hi italian

Do you really want him to say he could (someday) leave his wife for you, OR, do you only want to hear that he would want to (in a perfect world)? Does that make sense? It sounds like you just want to hear he cares...or is it truly more?

Charlotte



 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 3:17pm
The latter.

If he really DID want to leave her to be with me, that would require a decision on my part that I'm not ready to make right now. So yes, you're right - I want him to say that he would leave her *if* he could create the perfect world. I guess. I'm so confused.

When it comes down to it, I'm just not seeing the *desire* on his part that I think I deserve. But again, it's entirely possible that *I* am the one who's screwed up!

Thanks for your input. ;-)

 

ItalianPisces

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 4:20pm
Please read my post about this topic (to a different poster, but I think the concept applies):

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmyaffair&msg=33489.13

I agonized over this for a long time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 4:23pm
PS I think you have to decide whether or not this is YOUR own issue -- i.e. your insecurity -- or whether he truly does not care about you in the way that you need. And you need to decide what YOU need. If you distance yourself from it awhile, it may become much more clear.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Wed, 10-15-2003 - 5:40pm
Thanks so much....your original post is exactly what I've been trying (in vain!) to express. I can completely relate to what you'd written about wanting to hear your OM say things that you didn't actually want him to follow through with. While I suppose I'm fortunate that I'm aware of my tendency to be what I like to refer to as an "egomaniac with an inferiority complex," the transition to practicing opposite behaviors needs some work. I am also grateful that I feel comfortable expressing my insecurities to my MM, who in fact suffers from some of the same issues himself.

I did write MM last night and explained much of this. I spelled some things out for him that he hadn't picked up on (ie, it's okay for him to tell me that he'd like to see me this weekend - even if it doesn't end up actually happening, it's nice to know he's thought about it!) He responded very positively but suggested that we continue our brief "break" so we can both get some more thoughts together. We both tend to need help in managing our expectations of each other and of our relationship, and we've agreed to set some "ground rules" so that this issue rears its ugly head less often.

Thank you again for sharing that post - it was exactly what I needed to read. I too want to get to the point where I too realize that what I need from the A is exactly what I am getting - nothing more and nothing less!

 

ItalianPisces