Thinking of telling her...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Thinking of telling her...
7
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 8:50am
My A is about to come to an end, for good. We have planned one last get together, for closure. His W is pregnant and this is why he is calling it off. I thought I'd be ok about it, but I'm infuriated. After he told me she was pregnant and he needed to break it off, I was fine. Three days later, he was telling me he didn't want it to end. I told him no at the time, but I didn't want to, so I asked him for one more night together. He agree, then he disagreed, agreed yet again, etc. The man couldn't make up his mnd, he was jerking me around for 3 weeks, until finally agreeing w/out backing out.

All along during our A, he expressed a strong interest to remain friends when/if the intimate relationship would end....Now, he is retracting on that wish. He has a right to change his mind, sure, as does anyone. But I can't help feeling that something else, besides his W's pregnancy has drastically changed how he felt about me.

I am grappling w./ the idea of telling his W. I don't know why, maybe b/c I am so bitter about how he has treated me for the past month or so, and how everything is always on his terms and still is. He knows I wil always have the upper hand, we've joked about it in the past, and I promised him I wouldn't hurt her, I have no reason to, she is innocent in all of this.But I still feel angry at him for stepping all over my soul, even though I let him....

Has anyone felt this way? Is there a way to push these thoughts of telling her out of my head...I don't know her, but know how to contact her, of course. But I don't want to adn I do at the same time, just to get back at him!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 9:06am
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Edited 10/1/2004 6:51 pm ET ET by sally289
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 9:11am
Dani, you MUST figure out a way to push these crazy thoughts out of your mind. Telling his wife would be the most absurd thing you could do in this situation. I think that your emotions are extremely high and intense right now and you need to take a minute out to snap back into reality. The reality that telling his W will only create a whirlwind of termoil for all of you with nothing being accomplished in the end.

Your OM is in a really tough place right now with a baby on the way and by the sounds of it he is making a huge sacrifice (giving you up) in order to try to adjust to this new addition to his life. I dont think anything has him backing away from you except the fact that his life is changing drastically with the addition of a child to his life and he's freaking.

The only things I can suggest are (1)Sit on the sidelines and be patient to see what the outcome is or (2) Let him go and move on... BUT...DO NOT TELL HIS WIFE

*hugs*

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 9:16am
Honestly, it doesn't sound to me like it's over if he's waffling this much. One way to surely shoot down any chance you ever have of getting him back is to tell his wife, though. He'll hate you for that and he'll probably brand you a psycho. (Trust me; I saw this happen to someone else I know...) You'll end up being made the bad guy and you'll be shut out of his life forever. He wants to be with you, but he hates himself for wanting that because his wife is pregnant. So he's doing what he thinks is the right thing in calling it off. The best thing for you to do is to step back gracefully and allow him this time. If he decides he wants to be with you in the future, that's going to be your only chance. Pushing and begging and all that stuff is only going to turn him off of you. But even if you're never together again, his memories of you will be a whole lot fonder if you step away gracefully. Give him a chance to work things out in his mind and if he's meant to come back to you, he will.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 9:31am
This is his note to me last night:

Next Friday is fine as long as we stick to the following 3 conditions:

1) Keep things light and fun. Make is a time to remember.

2) No anger/bitterness, scathing remarks, etc.

3) This has to be the last time. No matter what I may say during or afterwards.

Any ideas for venue? I am yours from 8:00 am to 8:00 pm, lets drive somewhere but not too far.

The other day he was writing to me telling me that he didn't want to go away or was skeptical to spend anymore time w/ me for fear of "opening old wounds." He wrote: "The truth is that I think about you and miss you every day. It sucks that we can’t be together long term, but this is the choice I have to make. Maybe we should be thankful that circumstances caused the relationship to come to such an abrupt end – who knows if we would have the strength to end it after a year or more. I don’t know if I would have."

I am still feeling bitter and still feeling as though there is more behind his reason for calling it off, when he has already done that and then retracted.... I am so confused!! I don't want it to end. And you guys are right, I really shouldn't tell his W, she has no idea what an a$$ her husband is.

Help me let go of him.... I do not want to destroy his W's life, this is their 3rd child (all under the age of 3)...But does she deserve his deceitfulness as much as I do?? I am single and young, and in this world today, who's to say I don't ave some STD and he's not spreading it to her (I don't) but did he think of her when he was sleeping w/ me w/out protection?? Nope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 9:45am
I think your only choice is to go through with your day together, do everything you need to do to get closure, and then move on. Have you spent any time over on the Ending An Affair board? You might go over there and talk to them about what they would do if they could have one last day with their MMs/OMs. I've seen many posts over there about how painful it is when things end without closure and how they'd just like to see MM/OM one more time... Ask for words of wisdom in what you should get from that last day together. If there's one thing I've learned over there, it's that time does help. The longer you go without contact, the easier it will be. Eventually you'll get to a point where you can remember him fondly without the pain. It is hard to let go. You'll always have a little bit of hope that maybe someday when the baby is born or maybe when the kids are older... But, believe me, you don't want to do that. As you said, you are single and young. You have your entire life ahead of you and, whether you believe it or not, someday you're going to meet a man who will be everything you've ever wanted and you'll look back at this relationship as a learning experience. Also...have you ever seen the movie "Sidewalks of New York?" I HIGHLY recommend it. Something about your situation reminds me of that movie. Maybe renting it would help. It should be available at your video store, but it was released in 2001 so it'll be in the older section. It's on the Sundance Channel November 9 at 9PM eastern if you get that... It airs throughout November on there. It really explores infidelity pretty well and shows how someone can pull herself out of that situation and find a good, healthy relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 9:56am
I would love to see that movie, I would like to see in person someone who is riding the same rollercoaster as me. I don't post often, b/c I don't feel as I relate to many women here, as everyone is generally married....I am not. No offense please...

You have all been very helpful though, thank you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 10:03am
Actually, I think there are quite a few single women I've seen on here. And I see a whole lot over on the Ending an Affair board. One thing about being single is that you can do something we can't. You can go out and meet new people and possibly move on from here. After her divorce, my mom ended up getting involved with a MM. She didn't know he was married because he lied, as some tend to do, but as soon as she found out, she ended it. She said it was extremely hard because she was beginning to fall for him but she knew at the time the longer she let it go on, the harder it would be. I think one thing about the guy in "Sidewalks of New York" is that he's a real sleazebag. I know we don't see our MM as sleazebags, but neither did the girl in the movie until she grew a little. It might help to look at him that way. Look at yourself as the young girl on the side that he just keeps around for sex. Over on the Ending an Affair board they were talking about how, after sex, they always felt cheap and used. It bothered them that MM would rush to clean up after sex, as if he couldn't wait to get the evidence of the sex they'd just have off of him. If you can focus on the cheap, used feeling and realize that you are SO much better than that...that you deserve a man who won't have to rush off to be with his wife and children... Someone who will put you FIRST, as you deserve to be. It's interesting...if you watch a movie or hear a story about a MM who cheats, especially with a younger, hotter-looking woman, you always assume he's a certain type. But none of us really see our MM as that type, do we? We see them as these heroic, sexy men but if we were all cast in a movie exactly as we are, everyone ELSE would probably see him as sleazy, don't you think???