? for those in a long term A

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Registered: 10-24-2003
? for those in a long term A
9
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 9:25am
To recap my situation, I am M and have been meeting MM for lunch and dinner for two months now. This past weekend things moved to the next level.....and it was simply amazing!

My question is this; since saturday, I have had these "dark shadows" creeping into my mind. He was suppose to call Monday but didn't, called Tuesday instead - this has happened before, and I didn't have a problem with it. We were to meet for lunch today, but he called and said he would be in meetings all day and couldn't get away. We made plans for lunch next week. Fine....this also has happened before. Why is it I'm suddenly thinking the worst? Has this happened to anyone else? What do you do to close out these thoughts? I haven't a clue why I'm feeling this way.

While my marriage has not been good for a very long time, MM is not someone I want to end up with. Frankly, I marriage to anyone is not something I want. I'm looking for someone who enjoys life, loves to laugh, someone to have an occasional lunch/dinner with as well as an intimate relationship - so far MM has fit that bill. So why since Saturday have I gone from logically thinking woman into this hand wringer? Has this happened to anyone else?

Any help would be appreciated. Hope everyone has a perfect day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 9:37am
It's no secret that with increased intimacy comes increased emotional instability in relationships like these. I have felt and sometimes still feel exactly how you are feeling and Im 2 years into this A. Theres something about our sharing our sexuality that brings about a load of insecurities leading to unanswered questions. Because we typically lack the time it takes to lay these emotions out on the table they seldom get answered. I know in my case it is terribly difficult for me to strike up a conversation with my OM for many reasons. We dont have much time together and I hate to spend it having an indepth conversation but most importantly I hate laying myself out on the line like that in front of him. The reality of our relationship is that it's like a fantasy and when you bring up all of these types of questions it seems to dampen the mood and take away from the main reason you are involved - its certainly not to stress over insecurities you have created within yourself...

The only thing I can suggest is to remind yourself of your worth and perhaps at an appropriate time you can let your MM know this is an issue for you - however, dont expect any changes from him...you need to find a way within yourself to overcome these insecurities and remember the chances he is taking to be with you when he can and the fact of the matter is - you two are only a part-time thing that gets worked in when your schedules allow it...it may sound bad but that's the reality of this kind of relationship.

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

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Registered: 10-06-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 1:11pm
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Edited 9/20/2004 1:53 pm ET ET by seansluv
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 3:21pm
You made some very good points, Girl. I also looked within myself for feeling this way, and have come to the conclusion that I'm projecting my relationship with my H, onto MM. H would promise to come through with something, or show up somewhere (kids plays, soccer games, etc.) and never show up. This was usually his way of being passive agressive towards me. The last thing I want to do, is see signs of H, in MM. That will certainly ruin everything for me - that "all men are the same" mentality.

I agree with you about not wanting to put a damper on our time together by having a long discussion about emotional issues...not yet anyway. Our time together is so brief, I would rather just be happy, laugh and enjoy each other's company. In time, perhaps we will discuss more, but for now I think I will just enjoy this "honeymoon" stage I have seen posted here.

In the future, I should remind myself of how he is when he is around me. It's not an act, his mask hasn't slipped. The man I came to know Saturday, is not looking for a little side quickie..because heaven knows, his focus was totally on my pleasure.

Thanks for the reality check. And thank goodness for this board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 7:31pm
My God, I know exactly how you are feeling!! I went through this for the first six months...it's only been in the past month that MM and I have opened up a little and reassured each other that neither of us plan on going anywhere. We are both married and neither ever plan to leave our families. But when there would be a lull in our communication -- I would always think the worst (worry that he had changed his mind about us).

It will get easier...just enjoy the thrill of it all right now (but it WILL be up and down!) and remember that he is thinking of you a lot, I'm sure!!!

Also, given that your man is an intellectual type like mine, he probably needs that time to put things into perspective;) Try to relax and enjoy it all...

Charlotte

 

Avatar for jeanbob
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 9:04pm
One of the best things about this board is finding out I'm not alone with my thoughts and emotions--somehow that's always comforting to me--

I'm having the same type of "hand-wringing" thoughts regarding my A--I'm four months into it. Glad to hear, Charlotte, that after six months you and your MM have finally started to talk a little bit. I long to talk to MM, am convinced I am going to, and then when I see him, all I want to do is enjoy him and our time together--just like you said. We haven't had enough time together to be able to leisurely talk, without making a "big thing" out of it. It's very true, that's the way A's are--making time for each other when schedules and life permit. A very different and difficult situation for me to be in. Leaves plenty of time for feeling insecure and wondering what he's thinking (or not!) about. Glad to know I'm not alone anyway--
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 9:18am
I have the same feelings as you Charlotte, I'm 2 years into this A. And up until a few months ago, I felt very secure in the fact that we both wanted this to continue a long time, we were comfortable with it and neither had plans to leave our M's. But then there were recently a few months NC. He says his work has got alot harder lately and everything, that was why. And I've kind of accepted his apology. But I am trying to let him know that these breaks make me worried and insecure and all it takes is for a little quick call or note even if he is really busy. It doesn't take much for someone to let you know they are thinking of you. I think he's getting the picture. So we'll see if things improve. I think I would like it back to how we were before, there were some really good times together. And I do miss the human touch which I do not get at home.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 10:17am
I feel what you're feeling b/c I recall oh so well how it feels when our MMs "disappear" for whatever reason. I haven't posted in a loong time, but am in somewhat of an EMA about 1-1/2 year. I agree that as women (& men) having sexual relations opens up a lot of emotions that we may not be prepared to deal with. From my experience women handle the EMA thing a lot better (we're better at multitasking) and most MMs it seems struggle w/ guilt. Dr. Phil says men like to be hunters and when the EMA starts that's usually how it is. Then we make love and begin "expecting" our MMs to be there and the hunt is over. When you treat men like you don't give a rat's a** (like before you met them and before the A) they're all over you.

Don't expect a MM to call when they say they are. If they do, treat it as a pleasant surprise. When they don't treat it as if he was a girlfriend who said the same thing ... you'll catch up later.

Right now me and MM are FWOBs. Talk almost everyday except weekends via phone. Both of us are M w/ no intention of going anywhere. I value our friendship and he values mine. We see eachother maybe once or twice a month and lately it's been kinda awkward b/c he wants me and fights it. It's kinda cute. He asks me to massage his shoulders and when I do he says to himself "be strong". He tries soooo hard. I respect his efforts to be loyal to his W and give him pointers on improving their R. Kinda weird, but like I said, we're friends more than anything. We end up meeting halfway with foreplay and not sexual intercourse, which makes him feel "better" as he didn't commit the actual act. Two times of doing that in a row and the next time I saw him he said "I want some p****". And that was last Friday!

Take it slow and it will balance itself out. He is thinking of you. Remember, men are physical and visual. He remembers everything and wants more. Buckle up. You're in for a helluva ride.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 12:56pm
My heart felt thanks to everyone who responded. I enjoy MM very much and in time I would like him to open up more. Perhaps, this is not wise, because the more I know about him, the deeper I will care for him - then what? Having said that, we both have a balancing act we need to keep going; spouses, chidren, work, outside friends. From time to time, I will have to remind myself he was the one who chased me, that I promised myself that if he earns it, he can only have a small peice of my heart, and at best we will have a few stolen hours a week to meet for lunch, dinner, or itimate time.

I had just a tiny taste of what a roller coaster relationship can feel like earlier this week.....that man better be worth it! ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 10:02pm
I guess it's only human!

I've been in my A for 12 yrs. and the more time I have on my hands that day or that night...the more my imagination goes wild! What's he doing? What is he doing with the W and kids this weekend?

My MM says I think too much! I tend to over analyze and dream up the wildest scenerio's of what he could possibly being doing when I'm not with him.

We have been seeing each other for sooo long that he knows just by looking at me that my imagination has been getting the best of me again!

I don't know if it's the A that's so hard on me sometimes or if I'm just my worst enemy of what I put myself thru when I start "thinking to much".

Half the time, all he's doing is thinking of me anyway!

Many times I lay in bed at night wishing he were laying there with me or that he would call and *ring* *ring*, it's my cell phone ringing and it's him!!!