For those in long term affairs...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2007
For those in long term affairs...
14
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 9:30am

We are in to month 9 of our A and we have discussed many times how we want this and don't want to lose what we have. I have posted the basic details before, but both M, both have kids and neither can stomach the thought of leaving at this point.


That being said...the past couple of months I

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 9:57am
That's what affairs are. They are dead-end, and you are nearing that point. It will stay the same a year from now, or 10 years from now. It will frustrate you immensely. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2008
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 1:45pm

I am assuming that you care for each other very much but don't want to split up your marriages because of the pain it would cause your children and/or spouses, the disruption it would cause to your lives, etc.

Where you are at, is that you are satisfying each other's needs in a way that no one else can at this point, and you both deserve and need happiness. You are in this situation because that's more important to you than leading the dull, empty life you were leading before, correct? Not every relationship progresses to marriage and/or a long-term live-in relationship. The important thing is to each respect the other and continue to discuss what you want your relationship to be as life unfolds. This means you discuss how often you want/are able to see each other, how you will contact each other when you can't be together, how you feel about each other, what might happen if there is a D-day, and continue to keep the lines of communication open about the what if's and the desires you both have, as they can and will change over the course of time. Things happen, things change.

My affair started over a year ago, and my marriage was already in bad shape. I never expected to get a divorce, but STBXH asked me for one earlier this year (no discovery of the affair had occurred). Now I'm living on my own, AP is still married and trying to decide what to do, and I'm giving him the space to do it in. I'm not even sure that I want another long-term live-in relationship again, although right now I'm glad I have him and I don't want to be "free" to "look" for someone else. In the meantime, I am glad that we are still together, we still respect each other immensely, love each other very much, and enjoy each other's company very much. I also have a full life outside the affair. Who knows what will happen? At least I know I no longer have to live in a loveless marriage.

So that's what you do, you live in the moment, knowing that the "moment" will change and that you need to keep the lines of communication open so that you continue to love and respect each other while adjusting to those changes. If you can hold onto each other over the years and it works out, that's great. If not, then you will have enriched each other's lives along the way. Hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 3:32pm

I've been in and out of a PA for nearly eight years and I know exactly what you're talking about - in fact it's a relief to see someone else put it in writing! Affairs don't have a natural progression if one or both of you don't have plans to leave your other relationship(s).

I found the best way of managing it was having short term plans... We'd arrange a holiday together or something more than just the usual weekly meet up. Then at least there was something to look forward to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2007
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 4:27pm

This is exactly the type of thing I was looking for. Just to know that other people in long term A's feel the same thing sometimes. Thank you. It does help.


We definitely keep the communication lines open which helps so much. We were able to get this all out in the open via a phone call before the weekend started and he understands what I'm saying and says he feels the same way.


Had we met before children entered the picture for both of us things might be different today. We didn't and we believe that staying is the right thing for us both right now.


Thanks so much for your response! :) It really did help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2007
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 4:30pm

Eight Years! Wow! I will be looking for advice from you in the future! That is amazing.


Thank you so much for responding. It just hit me all of a sudden why I was "down" and I had to come here and see if I was crazy or if it was just another piece of A-Land that I stumbled upon.


I think the idea with short term plans is a good one. We do that with things, but I never put it into this particular scenario before. I'm going to try it and see if it helps keep the insanity at bay.


Thanks for responding!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 5:16pm

It certainly is - I must be crazy as a frog.

Hard for me - I'm single, he's not. He's run out on me a couple of times, I've called it quits once. We got back together in July after a six month break but it's all very cautious and I'm trying (as I've said elsewhere) to be very cool with him this time round. But when he gazes at me those gorgeous blue eyes it's like I lose any brain I was born with!

But I over time I have noticed exactly what you said - if we didn't have plans, any plans, something to talk about and share - we got into this weird frustrated state. So even the smallest thing that you can plan to do in advance, and then talk about, helps because it gives you some sort of shared future.

Wishing you luck, hon x

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 9:21pm
gee, me and ap don't have that problem. maybe it's because we were friends for 7 years before we got totally involved and it wasn't an A then, we were both single. we've been involved as married people for 4 years. i think what the others have said was true, you have to have something to look forward to. I can't imagine what you feel like, but I hope all the great advice you got from the others helps! good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2007
Tue, 09-02-2008 - 2:58am

I'm another one in this for 8 years now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Tue, 09-02-2008 - 9:52am

I have been in a very long term affair 15 years, we love each other and at times it gets hard, (we are all friends). at times when APs GF gets jealous of our closeness I have to pull back, taking steps back, that sends me in a tailspin. We have known since the beginning this was how it would be, I just focus on what I know we have (which is a wonderful relationship) and I focus on our times not the forever we wish we could have. That was decided when we got together. He has been in a long term GF relationship, I am married(28yrs), so we know the sacrifices we must make but we have been at this for a long time and I can't imagine life without him. When I find I'm going back, like I said I think about us, not the future because we know thats not possible but when we do have time together we know there are only 2 people there me and him. He is my best friend, lover and soul mate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2009
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 2:44am

My situation is a little different.

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