For those who have gone through D-day
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| Wed, 01-28-2009 - 7:08pm |
I am really struggling right now to understand what my AP is going through and where I stand. I'm to the point where my hands shake every time he calls me to talk about the most mundane things. I don't feel like I know who I am talking to anymore, the man I love or the man who is screwing me over.
D-Day was about 10 days ago. W found something suspicious on his computer. He "confessed" to a three-month fling (as opposed to the 20 month relationship we have had). She bought a gun and threatened to kill herself if he left her. She has forwarded all of his incoming e-mail to her account, put a mail-checker on his computer, maybe keylogger, I don't know. She has it set up where she can see every time he logs in. She has been answering his phone for him and has scheduled marriage counseling. They are married 7 years--he has cheated on her and been caught twice before--and, from what I can see (before this) she is very controlling. I know, I know, stock OW talk, but I do believe it is legitimate in this case. The things he says and actions read like a textbook for how abused spouses behave. Up until D-day, I had absolutely no doubts that he was going to leave her and that we were going to build a life together, though he was waffling some on a date. We were talking about taking our kids on trips this summer, about starting to look for property this summer and clear it to build the following summer. We talked about the challenges of blending out families. He said it was not a matter of "if" he left her, but "when." Alongside all of this, he is a combat vet and just started going through treatment for PTSD.
He has asked me for space to figure out what he wants to do and to get through a few weeks of his treatment. Am honoring that to the best of my ability. I have not called him, save once, when she was on his e-mail account and IMed me. I needed to find out whether she had figured out who I was. (She has not.) He was upset with me, said that I had been calling and e-mailing him every day. I explained that I had not (turns out she was telling him that I had been). He apologized and said that it looked like she wasn't telling him the truth. I reminded him that I have never lied to him and that we are on the same team. He recovered from his momentary delusions and said, "I know we are."
Here's the thing, though. Talking to him has become incredibly stressful, to the point where my hands shake and I cry when I get off the phone. He has asked for time to figure out what he wants (despite my shock because I thought he already said, months ago, what he wanted.) I'm trying to honor that, but it is really difficult for me to keep myself together through this. I don't know whether I can trust him anymore. When he calls me even for idle conversation, I don't know whether I am speaking to my boyfriend or my ex-boyfriend. I don't know how to process all this, whether I am supposed to feel secure that we will make it through this or sad that he broke it off with me. I'm a mess. I don't even know how to process through things with my therapist, because I really need him to tell me if, REALLY, he went from where we were (or seemed to be) one day, rock solid and ready to face anything, to this limbo.
For those of you who have been "caught" by your H/W/SO, what the heck goes on at home? Is it reasonable for someone who sounded so rock solid about our R to suddenly need time to think it out. How much of a panicked situation is it really? Do you have advice on how I should interpret his actions, beyond the obvious that he isn't leaving her at this time?

I''m sorry you're going thru this. BTDT. An XAP and I got caught by his W in his truck, not exactly in the act, but close enough. Up till then he was all about we're going to be together, he loves me, etc, lots of plans, etc. After dday he did a complete 360, went awol, etc. I was devastated. When he finally surfaced it became obvious he was throwing me completely under the bus to save his M, the M he had said all along was a sham all along. His W made it a point to send me e-mails he wrote her about how I teased him & manipulated him and what a sl*t I am. She also made sure my H found & and he moved out & filed.
That was 8 years ago & it taught me that no matter what an AP says, it is all about booty call & nothing else. They talk lovey to get me on my back. So I just have to accept that if I am going to have an A, that is the basis. Hard truths that cost me a lot to learn.
I hope things work out for you the way you want. Keep posting & let us know how it goes.
jana
IMO, it is not fair to you that he tells you he needs space and then still calls you. He is trying to have it both ways. I know it is easy for me to say, but perhaps the best thing to do is tell him that he needs to figure out what he wants and call you when he has decided. Sounds like he is trying to have both and he really can't until he figures it out.
The thing about controlling is, people control us if we LET them. Personally if someone did all the things his W is doing, I would be out of there. But I suppose there is a reason he is allowing that to happen. The threat of suicide is a powerful one--my XH kept me there a long time thinking he would do it. But that is a choice of hers to make.
Hugs to you. I'd step out of the situation for a bit. It may convince him to leave. Who knows?
Here's something I would ask myself if I were in this situation. Is this really the best situation to put myself and my children in for the rest of our lives? Is the long range vision of this situation positive for my children? What matters most, how I feel or how my childrens' futures may be affected?
Disturbed exes typically don't fade away quietly. I had one and it took lawyers, giving away all my rights to child support and HIS family taking my side to make him stop. It's been 13 years and he still says "I love you" everytime we see each other ... creepy ...
I've also learned recently through my own affair that children see everything. Losing my son's respect was my wakeup call ...
I agree, to some point, absolutely. And this is probably why one of the first things he screamed at me when this first happened was, "I have nowhere to go! I can't stay with you and the kids, she will make life hell for all of us."
I agree that a scary ex is no fun. But I was in an abusive relationship for years. I absolutely refuse to let someone else rule my life by fear. I don't think that's a good thing to base decisions on. I believe that, if he does want to be with me in the long run, that he and I need to make the decision how to deal with her, together. And in all honesty, she does not know who I am, she does not show where I live or work. I suspect we could keep her at bay. I know how to handle crazies like her. There are lots and lots of legal means to make sure she stays far, far away.
I absolutely would not put my children through dealing with her. I suspect she is part of the reason why my AP's XW doesn't want their kids to come visit him for an extended length of time. Can't say that I blame her.
All that said, my children spent 9 years watching their father be abusive. When my children see my AP and I together, they see two people that obviously care for each other, who are playful and loving and respectful to each other and to them. That is the model of relationships that I want my kids to see.