For those of you in long term A's

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2009
For those of you in long term A's
11
Mon, 02-16-2009 - 4:46pm

an honest question here... How do you do it, keep it a secret for years and years? I've only been in my A for 3 months or so and can barely keep the secret, my H barely gives me a second to breathe.

So, questions:
- do you communicate often? Do you have a secret phone or use a work phone
- do you see each other often? If so, what do you tell your H or W?
- How do you not want more? be happy in your M but keep the A going? I have a hard time with being happy with both

I'm sorry, and just naive about all of this but cannot imagine keeping this going for years without getting caught.

TIA

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Mon, 02-16-2009 - 6:49pm

There are many stages to an A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2009
Mon, 02-16-2009 - 7:53pm

We communicate through work phone and cell phones only.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Mon, 02-16-2009 - 8:55pm
Like the other poster said, you slowly settle into your comfort zone, and you get to know what is safe, and what is not. We talk daily, from cell phones only, we both have seperate accts for our phones, with password only access. I pay our bills at home, there is no need for hubby to see the bills, I pay it online, too, less paper hanging around the house. I once had to take the day off of work because the first bill of my new acct was coming in the mail, I waited at the door for the mailman, I was shaking in my shoes. I usually make plans with an out of town friend, for our overnighters, i only have one friend to cover for me, no one else knows, and I can completely trust her. It does take a lot of energy to pull it off, as of late, i have been sloppy, ap has commented, i left my yahoo browser open, and ap was chatting with my teenage son, that was careless, also, i sent ap an email to the wrong acct, oops! So every once in a while i become too comfortable and he has to remind me to be aware. The good must outweigh the bad, in these situations, or it will not be worth it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2008
Tue, 02-17-2009 - 12:33pm

- do you communicate often? Do you have a secret phone or use a work phone

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2009
Tue, 02-17-2009 - 12:50pm
Thanks Stunned -
Your story is exactly how I want to be in my A as my H is really good to me and loves me a lot. One more question for you though, do you ever worry about what you'd lose if you got caught? and how do you handle that? That's where I'm at now, is the benefits/thrill/excitement/passion of the A worth losing my H and tearing my family apart. I think I know the answer, just don't want to admit it yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Tue, 02-17-2009 - 1:57pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Tue, 02-17-2009 - 2:29pm

Hey, great question. My best advise it to keep perspective. It's very easy to get caught up into. Keep in mind what you want out of the relationship. AP and I have been together for 4 years. We are both married and have no intention of leaving our spouses.
So, questions:
- do you communicate often? Do you have a secret phone or use a work phone.
We communicate only during business hours. We don't work together anymore, but we still need to communicate for business often. So we have a good cover. We NEVER text or email anything that we wouldn't want others to see. I mean NEVER.

- do you see each other often? If so, what do you tell your H or W?
We see one another as often as our schedules allow. So once a week or every other week. Sometimes we are lucky enough to have a happy hour with mutual friends. We are truly friends first, so it's so fun to just hang out together.

- How do you not want more? be happy in your M but keep the A going? I have a hard time with being happy with both.
As I said at the opening of my post. KEEP PERSPECTIVE! That can be very hard but you have to remind yourself what this is. You obviously are missing something that you seek. But probably have a decent marriage outside of that thing. So remind yourself. My MM and I talk about our real lives and our marriages. We don't speak ill of them. We did in the beginning of our A. But i think that was to justify what we were doing.

hope this helps! Welcome!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2008
Tue, 02-17-2009 - 3:39pm

Ican...We had sort of a discovery day a few years back..I had told

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2007
Tue, 02-17-2009 - 8:44pm

Hi well to answer some of your questions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Wed, 02-25-2009 - 10:28pm

Wow, Kitten - are you my AP? This sounds like my A.

MM is somewhat low tech and very paranoid, so there are no personal emails or chats and texts. We are business associates so we can talk on the phone during day hours and meet for lunch or happy hour. Most of our time together is on business trips and we stick strictly to that - no sneaking around in town.

Mrs.

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