thoughts advoce

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2014
thoughts advoce
Tue, 06-03-2014 - 9:34pm

have been searching for a forum like this for days. I feel in such despair. My situation is as follows. I am a 52 year old woman married for 21 years. I have had a male friend from high school, while we never dated in high school, we had “fooled around”.. As the years passed, we remained in contact sporadically, usually by phone unless we happened to both be in our hometown. He married first and we saw each other before the marriage took place, and again while we shared physical contact, we never had sex. At that time I was not married or involved and I felt the responsibility was his not mine. As the years passed we remain again in sporadic contact and a few meeting here and there, never sex. Fast forward to the high school reunion, facebook, other social media which made contact more easily possible. While our contact was more regular there was still no physical contact. In 2012, the contact ramped up a bit where we were meeting for drinks usually with other long lost friends. We are separated by 120 miles. We started talking about more regular meetings of which we both knew at that time were going to lead to a definite physical relatiomship. As the time passed none of our proposed meetings ever took place for one reason or another. In April of 2013, I called him and told him to never contact me again. I felt he had narsacisstic t tendencies and was playing games with me. A month later on my B’day he reached out we had discussions and our meetings continued. Fast forward to the present day. It is a year now that we have had constant daily contact. Our physical relationship turned more intimate although prostrate issues kept intercourse at bay. That did not stop us from fantasizing having very sexual conversations and a very close intimate relationship. Although we are both married, we talked often about how this seemed above our current relationships. Throughout the past year, we have more conversations then actual contact, share advice on jobs, kids, etc. At no point in time did either of us talk about our spouses, in sense of complaining or making them look bad to the other. When we spoke of them we used their names. Our most heated discussions surrounded our physical relationships with our spouses. That caused turmoil, jealousy. We never had fairy tale conversations about the future, but believed that we were actually seeing if we could build a foundation to move in that direction. This weekend, I was away with friends and he at home. Then same conversation arose and I told him that we were being emotional deceitful to our spouses. It wasn’t a line drawn in the sand, but it was an awakening at least to him. Yesterday, he called me in the morning and told me he told his wife everything. Of course she was angry, upset. He said that he needed to break off our relationship because he needed to. She had threatened to take everything he has, you know how the conversation goes. I was shell shocked. She called me to tell me how horrible I am and wanted all the texts which he had deleted. While the affair took two, I of course was the most responsible. I was so upset I sent her some of them that no married person should ever have to read that was written by their spouse. She continued to text me on his phone pretending to be him ( I only knew because she kept spelling my name wrong). A text I believe was from him simply stated that he made up his mind that he needed to end it, sorry for the pain I caused, not proud of how I behaved and he told his wife everything back to 1983. Of course I received the never contact him again, the phone will be deactivated etc. I moved from hurt to anger fairly quickly as she kept texting me. I feel that he’s minimized his part in this by deleting and as much said that he sugar coated things when telling her. I am not an angry person but I feel like I want to hurt her with words as she did me. She told me she would never discuss her life with me, I told her she didn’t have to, I was there the whole time. I am ashamed of my words and never meant to hurt anyone, although we both knew we would in the end. I am angry that he couldn’t tell me how sorry he was. Why do I expect more from him? How do you heal the hurt when for the last year youre saying I love you to each other. I am contacting a therapist in the morning, because I cannot talk about this with anyone. In the meantime ive been reading and trying to be insightful to all I feel. I lost a good friend and feel belittled and worthless to a person that I thought truly cared for me.
Can you help me with some positive thoughts in the meantime? Thanks


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 06-04-2014 - 10:55am

That's the thing about affairs, whether sexual, emotional, or both.  When a man isn't happy at home, he will LEAVE that home.  When a man has an affair, but never discusses leaving his wife, that's because he's never going to leave her, whether it's because he loves her, or he's afraid of her, or for financial reasons.  He's content with affairs for as long as he can get away with them, but when push comes to shove, the wife will always win.  The only way you could continue with him is if his wife gets smart and throws him out, then you'll get him by default.  And even then, no assurances that you've "got him".  I've seen situations where the man will run to the a/p, but then cheat on her too......and end up marrying someone else.......and of course, assuring the a/p that the affair will continue.  Of course his wife is angry!  What else would you think she would be.  You need to get over the "angry" nonsense.  So what if he doesn't tell you he's sorry for hurting you?  Maybe he's NOT sorry.  He didn't drag you kicking and screaming into the affair, and you didn't drag him.  You're both equally guilty.  It's over now, and let it BE over.  So ignore the texts, no matter who's making them, and do NOT expect any apologies or pleas for forgiveness.  The key words in your message are "I THOUGHT"!  You thought he loved you, and you were wrong.  He enjoyed the conversations, especially the sexy ones.  That's it.  Being a man, they can separated affairs from reality, being a woman, you can't do that.  Women are wired different......they can't be involved without thinking it's "love".  My suggestion to you is that rather than worrying about these people, (who are definitely NOT worrying about you) figure out why you needed this in your life, what's missing in your marriage that caused you to look elsewhere, and what you can do to improve your marriage.  Good Luck to you.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 06-04-2014 - 11:15am

As was already mentioned, having no more contact of any kind with him or his wife is the best thing you can do at this point. Time is the only thing that is going ot help you and right now things are very fresh. Continuing to allow the contact will only prolong things. I'm not sure there are too many positive things to say, only that things will get better and easier eventually. Maybe you should be grateful that you found out now rather than even later in life, even though of course you already have many years into this. You still have plenty of time to figure out where you want to go from here, if you want to stay married, or if you want to finally start over and find someone who will truly make you happy. So maybe you can look on this as an opportunity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Wed, 06-04-2014 - 1:41pm

i don't think you should expect anything from him because you're not his priority; his wife is. i would advise you to stop speaking to her even if she is texting and harassing you.  If he decided to tell his wife everything then let him deal with her questions and nagging.  As for you, this is probably the best time to cut him off entirely.  I understand that this relationship dates back to high school and as a result you thought that that type of history would trump any other relationship but it didn’t. He’s made a decision. He’s chosen his wife. Maybe he does love you more than his wife but it’s clear he’s not willing to go through the trouble to be with you.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Tue, 06-17-2014 - 11:20pm

I'm sorry you're hurting, and I completely understand that.  My XAP had a very similar situation: friends since high school, dated in college, kept in touch over the years.  We had an A for almost three years, and it did get physical.  We got caught by my H at one point, then almost by his W at another.  Our A had cooled off quite a bit by the time his W found some messages between us, and he didn't throw me under the bus, but he did coach me on what to say to her if she contacted me, which she did, and I complied.

It was a hard lesson for me to learn.  I'd never had an A before, I thought we were soulmates, destined to be in each others' lives.  And though he wasn't happy at home, we both had young kids at home.  Other posters are right: the majority of the time, they're going to pick their spouse over their AP, and he made no promises to me.  Affairs are meant to be a distraction, an escape: they're rarely a happily ever after.

I think you should block any and all numbers associated with him and just move on.  It's pointless to be angry with his wife: you WERE messing around with her husband.  You can be angry with him, but it will only eat you up inside.  I think it's a good idea to talk to someone on a professional level, and find a way to make peace with the situation and yourself.