thoughts and advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2014
thoughts and advice
Tue, 06-03-2014 - 9:33pm

have been searching for a forum like this for days. I feel in such despair. My situation is as follows. I am a 52 year old woman married for 21 years. I have had a male friend from high school, while we never dated in high school, we had “fooled around”.. As the years passed, we remained in contact sporadically, usually by phone unless we happened to both be in our hometown. He married first and we saw each other before the marriage took place, and again while we shared physical contact, we never had sex. At that time I was not married or involved and I felt the responsibility was his not mine. As the years passed we remain again in sporadic contact and a few meeting here and there, never sex. Fast forward to the high school reunion, facebook, other social media which made contact more easily possible. While our contact was more regular there was still no physical contact. In 2012, the contact ramped up a bit where we were meeting for drinks usually with other long lost friends. We are separated by 120 miles. We started talking about more regular meetings of which we both knew at that time were going to lead to a definite physical relatiomship. As the time passed none of our proposed meetings ever took place for one reason or another. In April of 2013, I called him and told him to never contact me again. I felt he had narsacisstic t tendencies and was playing games with me. A month later on my B’day he reached out we had discussions and our meetings continued. Fast forward to the present day. It is a year now that we have had constant daily contact. Our physical relationship turned more intimate although prostrate issues kept intercourse at bay. That did not stop us from fantasizing having very sexual conversations and a very close intimate relationship. Although we are both married, we talked often about how this seemed above our current relationships. Throughout the past year, we have more conversations then actual contact, share advice on jobs, kids, etc. At no point in time did either of us talk about our spouses, in sense of complaining or making them look bad to the other. When we spoke of them we used their names. Our most heated discussions surrounded our physical relationships with our spouses. That caused turmoil, jealousy. We never had fairy tale conversations about the future, but believed that we were actually seeing if we could build a foundation to move in that direction. This weekend, I was away with friends and he at home. Then same conversation arose and I told him that we were being emotional deceitful to our spouses. It wasn’t a line drawn in the sand, but it was an awakening at least to him. Yesterday, he called me in the morning and told me he told his wife everything. Of course she was angry, upset. He said that he needed to break off our relationship because he needed to. She had threatened to take everything he has, you know how the conversation goes. I was shell shocked. She called me to tell me how horrible I am and wanted all the texts which he had deleted. While the affair took two, I of course was the most responsible. I was so upset I sent her some of them that no married person should ever have to read that was written by their spouse. She continued to text me on his phone pretending to be him ( I only knew because she kept spelling my name wrong). A text I believe was from him simply stated that he made up his mind that he needed to end it, sorry for the pain I caused, not proud of how I behaved and he told his wife everything back to 1983. Of course I received the never contact him again, the phone will be deactivated etc. I moved from hurt to anger fairly quickly as she kept texting me. I feel that he’s minimized his part in this by deleting and as much said that he sugar coated things when telling her. I am not an angry person but I feel like I want to hurt her with words as she did me. She told me she would never discuss her life with me, I told her she didn’t have to, I was there the whole time. I am ashamed of my words and never meant to hurt anyone, although we both knew we would in the end. I am angry that he couldn’t tell me how sorry he was. Why do I expect more from him? How do you heal the hurt when for the last year youre saying I love you to each other. I am contacting a therapist in the morning, because I cannot talk about this with anyone. In the meantime ive been reading and trying to be insightful to all I feel. I lost a good friend and feel belittled and worthless to a person that I thought truly cared for me.
Can you help me with some positive thoughts in the meantime? Thanks