Thoughts on being a newbie......

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Thoughts on being a newbie......
5
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 9:39pm
So many thoughts and feelings here.

Finding that many of us keep it a total secret from everyone, but a secret that wears on us tremendously.

I want to TELL someone, ANYONE who will listen, but I know I'm a bad person for doing what I'm doing.

Yep. I'm married, over 27 years, and never even THOUGHT about an affair until 2 years ago.

My husband is a wonderful man, kind, caring, considerate....so many good things.

How do other women deal with the fact that they are or will soon be hurting their husbands?

I plan to leave within the next few months and so far, my husband is clueless. That makes me sad but I don't see any other way for ME to go.

A few in my family felt that I was depressed several months ago and they wanted me to go get some meds for my "depression". I refused. My "depression" is that I no longer want to BE here.....in this location, marriage-wise, community-wise, life-wise. I tried to tell my family this and they basically said "oh well, you don't HAVE a choice, you are married."...........so there it was. No choice. LOL

Also, I see a lot of people here worry about being found out. I'm not sure I care either way. It's going to happen sometime soon anyway I guess.

I just wish I didn't feel like such a cruddy human for hurting someone I had PLANNED to be with for the rest of my life.

I can't plan that anymore. I don't WANT to be here for the rest of my life.

Ugh. So so so so many feelings, so many emotions...and none that I can share with anyone.

Just needed to vent in a safe location. Thankyou for listening tonite.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 11:55pm
Hi Maxi, and welcome to the board! I'm glad you found it, and hope being able to write out some of your thoughts has helped. I know it's helped me tremendously in the past, just to be able to "get it out", and to know the empathy of others.

You wrote..."I just wish I didn't feel like such a cruddy human for hurting someone I had PLANNED to be with for the rest of my life. I can't plan that anymore. I don't WANT to be here for the rest of my life."...which jumped out at me the most of your post. You are human, and so will hurt others - your husband is human and so chose his joy *and* pain before he experienced it. I'm not saying it's ok to intentionally hurt others, or mean to sound blase' about feeling pain...I dunno, just that since we are human, it's going to happen - it's a part of learning and living.

I felt hurt when my husband told me he didn't love me. BUT, I would far rather he tell me this than to pretend for another dozen years - in a way I can thank him for releasing me so I can find happiness myself.

I hope you feel comfortable enough to continue posting while you work through it - and find the support from your family/friends, and that your husband will do the same.

Meow

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 3:06am
I just wanted to let you know that I don't think just because you married someone that means you have to spend the rest of your life with that person .

If you are not happy it is ok to get out .

I married a guy I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with . After we married he changed . he was not the person I fell in love with . I stayed for awhile in the marriage but very quickly understood there is no point of this if I am not happy .

Of course family around made me feel , well you got married you have to make it work .........but you know what , No I don't .

I was not happy and I left ! Ever since I have been very happy . .

You should do what makes you feel good , yes I am sure it will hurt him for a while but sooner or later he will get over it . I know you don't want to hurt him but what is the point protecting his feelings , while you are not happy ??

Be strong , do what makes you happy . It isn't the end of the world , he will get over it .

No one can judge you , unless they have walked in your shoes .......since they haven't . do what feels right for you !! Good luck

xoxo ViperDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 11:04am

hi maxipat and welcome to the board!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 11:44am
Welcome, Maxipat! I posted for the first time a few days ago too. I'm leaving in four hours for my first trip away from H, and my first trist with MM. I'm feeling much of what you are. Anxious, scared, confused.... but I'm also excited because I feel I'm opening a door that I've been watching a very long time. My H is disabled and could not survive without me, so I'm with him for the long run even though our relationship has turned into one that is more comfortable and convenient. I'm very fond of him, but just don't share the passion anymore. When thinking about embarking on this new journey, I tried to overanalyze everything. Here is the bottom line for me. Life is short! We only have a certain amount of time in these bodies on this earth. Why should we deny ourselves happiness if it is NOT at the cost of someone else. Now some would argue that the A is causing others grief, but I really think that if we do everything we can to protect our SO and family, then it is a matter of percentages. Would my leaving him cause more pain than his finding out about the A? Yes.. in my case it would. You need to decide for yourself and your situation what is best. Perhaps looking at the world with different eyes, before you leave, is the best way to start this process for you. At any rate, you've come to the right place. These ladies are awesome. We're here for you. You'll find it's a huge relief just to get things off your chest in a safe place.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 2:15pm
Heaving a HUGE sigh of relief here......just for the ability to TALK about it I guess. LOL

Thankyou SO much for the encouraging words, and like someone mentioned, I'm trying real hard NOT to interject too much drama in all of this.

I guess some of my guilt comes from several factors, not unlike many here probably.

One BIG guilt producing move on my part is that I won't make any decisions to leave my H until I've actually spent real live time with uh...what's the code for the...oh..uh..the OM. LOL I'm not used to THESE particular acronyms I guess. LOL LOL

Anyway, I've got a trip planned away from home (luckily I do that sometimes, by myself or with girlfriends so it's not that unusual) and will hopefully spend 6 or so weeks with the OM. I know it's a long shot and we won't KNOW each other in reality, but I'm hoping it gives us both enough time to be honest and to check out our *ahem* compatability and other important things.

So far, we've just been online for a bit over a year. My, how time flies!

Tough tough decisions and I need to remember to keep the emotions on an even keel if I can. I guess I'm not comfortable with the conflict this is going to cause everyone.......everyone but me. LOL

Thanks again. You guys are AWESOME!!!!