Thoughts of Ending It

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
Thoughts of Ending It
5
Sat, 06-20-2009 - 8:00am
I have had some serious thoughts of ending my A for the last few days... i can't stand living like this, to where i have to hide what i'm doing, and i think i should get out from under this web of deception before i get in any deeper. I have noticed i am paranoid about a lot of things at home anymore...such, as my phone being looked at, H staring over my shoulder every time i am on the pc, non stop comments from H, and so on. I also think i am putting more into it than my ap is. It sure feels like it to me. Maybe its just crumbs i'm settling for and now realizing it, i dunno... all i know is, i dont think i can live like this anymore. I havent got the lightest idea how to move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Sat, 06-20-2009 - 8:07am
"I havent got the lightest idea how to move on." join the EAS board and you be guided out of the A.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sat, 06-20-2009 - 2:16pm

Hi emscemily,


When going to the EAS board start off by reading first the posts and especially the Healing library.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
Sat, 06-20-2009 - 6:48pm

We have tried conseling several times witih me ending up going alone, which is what made me realize that i can't save a marriage alone. My marriage is not worth working on as H thinks everything wrong is my fault alone, not his. He refuses to take responsibility for his actions, and i'm tired of dealing with his crazymaking. I want out of the marriage for me, and my sanity. And continuing in this A is more than i can emotionally handle. It would be one thing if i didn't have feelings for AP, and it was just sex, then i could walk away. But we're not like that, and i think i can't move forward in my life until i have the issue resolved of not having this A situation in my life anymore. I feel like i am not going anywhere at all, and if i can cut AP and H out of the picture, then maybe i can get some clarity as to what to do and which direction to go with myself.

And then i see AP somewhere, my heart melts, and i feel like i'm back in the same old trap again of being unable to let go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Sat, 06-20-2009 - 11:36pm

Hi


I know how you

“"Truer words were never spoken -" Ah, but true words leave hearts broken! Truth is only for the wise - Lovers ought to stick to lies”

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Sun, 06-21-2009 - 11:45am
end the A first and then your M. you will,rightly as you said,get clarity when you live alone for a while.Its very likely that you wont want to be with your AP once you are on your own.
M is a two way street.since you dont have any kids,it will be much easier for you to go ahead.
Stop all contact with your AP.I have read here,one small contact can bring out all the feelings/emotions when you are trying to end it.Block all contact details.