Thoughts for Rain
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| Fri, 04-23-2004 - 12:35am |
I don't want to sound superficial or judgmental but had to make these comments. Until now I have read (I think) in two different places where you have once made a reference to your wife being much cuter than OW and then in another place somewhere today where you made a reference to a cute coworker coming on to you. You placed great strength on the cute part. I think later on down the road you would probably be tempted by beautiful women if you don't currently have your breath taken away by your OW's looks.
In your relationship with your wife the sex factor was a major weakness in your relationship (in addition to other factors) and you are dissolving that relationship 10 years (??) later. If you think that you do get tempted by how a woman looks then don't feel guilty about that and keep that in mind while pursuing any new relationship. You don't want to end up 10 years later regretting not taking seriously something that was important to you that you had suppressed thinking it wasn't proper.
In any case, I suggest taking things slow between you and OW. Make sure she fits all your criteria before starting full fledgely a relationship with her. I believe in complete mental and physical attraction in any relationship.
If my thoughts are on the wrong track regarding you not being blown away by OW’s looks then my apologies and please ignore this post.
PG

First, thanks for posting this. I really do appreciate anyone taking time to share their thoughts with me, and sitting down to type all of this out so coherantly was a very kind gesture on your part.
Hmm. Well, I'll start typing a reply and see what I can learn about myself. And I bet I sound superficial before this is all over... oh well, I guess I can live with being human.
In a looks comparison... my W is sort of the "classic beauty" type. Other women tell her she's pretty fairly often. They think her hair is permed and very to-do and snarl when they find it's natural. She's a beautiful woman, empirically and without argument. But that isn't what attracted me to her. I knew her for two years with no spark beyond friendship while other men around us swooned over her. My attraction to her grew out of an increasing proximity and a sense that I knew her well as my friend, that she made me laugh. I never had a grand plan for us, I always thought she'd leave to take a bigger job somewhere or move back to her home state, so while I really wanted to meet someone to marry, I stayed with her because we had fun. I realize now I ignored some significant issues because I was hoping our R would overcome those things, that maybe I'd change or she'd change or that it wouldnt' matter so much if we were different.
The OW... not as pretty in a classic sense, but very attractive to me. VERY different from my W, but really much more the kind of woman I'm attracted to physically. When the two friends who know I'm seperating describe the kind of person they expect to find me with, they inadvertantly describe her. On the street to strangers, the W is clearly the more physically attractive... but to me, the OW is truly the most physical attraction I've ever felt. Without being distastefully specific, her body is almost perfectly my ideal: her proportions, her size, I do find her countenance pleasing to look at, and she has decorated her body in a way I adore (a big, beautiful tattoo.)
You're right, sex was a major weakness in my M. My W knew me before we dated, knew my sexual attitudes and appetite, and I think was drawn to that at some point. However, she really doesn't place the natural emphasis on that which I do. We've both tried to adjust our natural settings, but we always tend to drift back to where we're comfortable. Which is ok if you don't have a strong drive (my W) because you get it when you want it... but really tough on the person who is left wanting (me) because I pretty much always want it. LOL.
The OW... well, to be just way too honest again, we met on a sexual discussion web site and while our friendship grew out of a lot more, it was always against that backdrop, that undercurrent of knowing we're both such sexual beings. Our sex life is the most perfectly matched either of us have experienced, and that's saying something. I'm sure it will cool a little over time, but since neither of us has ever been in a R where we felt like we were getting all the... um... "good" sex we wanted, we're pretty optimistic that sex will be the very least of our differences.
Am I tempted by beautiful women? I'm more tempted by women with good, unique personalities. If I find someone interesting, my natural tendency is to rip off layers and really find out what I can about them, and eventually I do start to have some sexual thoughts, mostly because that's *really* knowing someone (as the Bible would confirm.) I don't show interest to flatter or attract, but it does tend to do both, and that leads to a reciprocal situation then attraction. So it's a balancing act, because I'm naturally driven to talk and ask and listen, which makes people feel special, which is how relationships start... and I'm not trying to do that.
My W doesn't like getting to know people or opening up to people, which led to her not wanting me to be who I am. The OW on the other hand is much like me and wants to be a part of meeting new people and finding out more. And with her beside me in the conversation, I think that any confusion over my intent will be dispelled.
I'm intrigued by people. I like people and I make my decisions based on that to a large extent. I definitely get more attracted to people as I get to know them. I don't like supermodels. I honestly find perfect people boring to look at. My mentions of the women around me and their looks... I guess it's slightly unconscious. Of course it's an appreciation for their physical appearance, but it's also a good, simple way to convey an attraction level without going in depth into things. It's a reliable, if shallow yardstick everyone is familiar with.
Mentally and physically I think I'm as perfectly matched to the OW as I can imagine being. Mentally, I believe it's true because we spent - literally - less than 5 days physically together during the first 8 months of our relationship. We talked online every night for almost three months before we met, then still about 2 hours a night online talking to each other after that (with a little cyber fun thrown in for variety, something both of us had to learn to do; if you can make that work mentally on a consistent basis, the physical is pretty easy.) When I flew her in for a weekend, we were actually both worried about the physical... but it was perfect and comfortable and wonderful immediately, from the first hug forward. And it continues to get even better.
I'm not blown away by my OW's looks. If I passed her on the street, I'd think she was attractive but not a knockout (though in shallow honesty, I have to confess I would still be looking at her butt and smiling, cuz it does qualify for "knockout" status, lol.) But I am *completely* blown away by her as a person, as a sexual being, and as my friend. That's a lot harder to find and much more valuable to me. I know lot of women who are gorgeous but suck as people. In fact, I married one.
Thanks again PG... for offering your thoughts, for giving me a chance to really think about this and what it all means to me. Any other observations, feel free to pass them along... I like growth and self examination.
rain
All I got to say is damn Rain you are awesome! I have never seen a guy articulate as well as you do and to be so self reflective. You have a true gift in writing and articulating your thoughts and feeling. Have you ever considered writing short stories, etc. I can see you with your own self help syndicated column.
To sort of answer your question, I am an English minor. But I can't seem to write short stories; they are too plot driven, and I'm a character person, an exploring the inner workings person. Writing essays and such seemed to be my strong suit in college, and I have been told that my songwriting is pretty solid (for the most part; everyone writes a dog now and then, LOL.)
Saying what you did about writing a column is probably one of the most flattering things anyone has ever said to me. The idea that I can help ease anyone's day or mind through something I might say -- at work as a manager, as a friend, here, or as a songwriter -- is really something I try to focus on in my life now.
Thank you, I appreciate the very kind remarks.
rain
Just saw this. Thanks. Hope any bad karma generated by W's wishes doesn't chase you much. Hope you also stay away from the path of the devil (as you mentioned in another post) :)
PG