??? for thre MW here

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
??? for thre MW here
8
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 11:16pm
have a question for the MW here. Being I am the single one in this relationship with MM. but i was married for 17 yrs, divorced now over a year, Met MM during the end of my D proceedings.. Ithought (or should I say he lead me to believe),he was Single and Available but thats a whole different story and another post.

He has promised me dead lines in regard to leaving, and seeking a D.TTwo have passed thus far. I no longer can place my life on hold for him. He is 53 i am almost 40. He has 2 grown daughters, i have a teenage son. he is currently unemployed and is actively seeking new employment, his thinking was he wanted to make a life change and left his job of 20 yrs last Feb 2003. unfortunately, he has not been able to find employment and I can tell he is having financial  problems. May 1 came (the first deadline) and no changes, he told me he needed more time to get his life and finances in order he told me by June 1, at the latest...guess what? June 1 came and went no changes still..but I was hospitalized at the end of May and to be quite honest, he was very attentive to me when i was sick, he was my rock. During the summer I decided I needed to worry about my health and recovery (I had a mild stroke) I had to get myself better emotionally and physically , which I am still working on. I have decided after many discussions with MM that I can no longer WAIT for him to get his life in order..and that this EMA has to end .As of last night, he still cannot offer me any timeframe,he has asked me to give him time. he understands my position but would like me to wait Still.

My question is for the MW here..is MM being reasonable? Have any of you asked his of your OM? Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated.

Hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 12:31am
Hi Hope4,

It's been awhile since we've heard from you. I hope you are on the road to recovery!

Each situation is different. I don't know how your D went, whether it was simple or quick? It took stbxH & I around 18 months just to seperate (no, MM is not waiting for me, his is remaining M)! And, we are not yet D - this, 18 months after H asked for it. I won't go into the reasons here on the board, but it has been complicated.

Only you know what your level of patience or tolerance is. Whether or not you choose to give him more time, I hope you are not putting the rest of your life on hold.

Take good care of yourself, and let us know what's happening!

Hugs,

Meow

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 11:03am
Hope,

Don't know if I can offer you much advice but I am M and OM is single. We are currently in NC again and I think that this may be it just because of the situation we are in. I have been honest with OM from the very beginning and he knew I was M and had no plans to leave H. When our R first started he said that it was all my decision and he would never ask me to leave my M. I also told him that this R was not fair to him because he would only get me when time permitted that my other obligations came first. He understood this but needless to say that our feelings grew stronger, we were in NC for 18 days and then started again but before a week was up OM decided that he couldn't deal with the way things are. Would I ever ask OM to wait for me to decide - NEVER. I have a life and it is only right that OM go forward and live his own life. It would be wrong of me to lead OM to believe that if he waits for me then one day things will be different.

I don't think that it is fair that your MM wants you to wait that is just selfish on his part. You have to live your life and make yourself happy. Are you happy waiting for MM to decide what he is going to do? Are you interested in meeting new people and maybe starting a new relationship? I know that it is a hard decision, trust me it doesn't get any easier but are you willing to go on the way things are? If you are even asking for advice on this I would say that you are having serious doubts about waiting for MM. Maybe you should give your own time table and make your own plans. Take control of this situation and do what is right for you. Time to put yourself first and do something for you.

Know that we are here if you need any support. Keep us posted. DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 12:32pm
Hi, Hope...I wish you all the best on your recovery.

No...I would never ask OM to wait on me. It is our fortune, or misfortune depending on your viewpoint I suppose, that we are in an EMA rather than a 'normal' relationship. We love each other, though, and so wouldn't choose anything else given our circumstances. However, I do not own OM anymore than he owns me. We hope to be together someday and hopefully sooner rather than later. But Ds do take a tremendous amount of time. I have serious financial considerations in the dissolving of my marriage, too, and honestly that is what the hold up is. But nevertheless, no matter how well intentioned I am, I cannot ask OM to hang around waiting on me. He is free to do as he wishes. Lucky for me (there's my name, again!) he wishes to stay with me for the time being. There has been, from the very first conversation that started this A, the caveat that we are each here for as long as it can possibly work. It has changed a bit to become he is here as long as I want him around, but we continue to have the conversation of nonexclusivity and that being the only way it could work. He wanted me to feel free to work on my M if that's what I truly wanted. And if I did work on the M, he would stay or go as I wished. I want him to remain with his g/f if that is what he really wants. I would prefer to stay, lol, but I, too, would bow out if he and g/f decided to bump it to the next level.

I think I started rambling here. Did I answer your question?? lol

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 1:16pm
I am trying to figure out how to put it tactfully, but the bottom line is no, he is not asking for reasonable things.

He's 53 and quit a job without having a new one and is now in financial trouble. He hasn't asked for a divorce. But he wants you to "wait." My question is, wait for what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 1:55pm
Hi Hope,

Others have heard me say this before... don't wait. I don't know how long you've waited so far, but I can tell from your post that at this point, it's hurtful.

I waited three years for my MM to leave his W and start his life w/me. Like yours, he had quit a job, gotten another but couldn't hold on to it, and always had a myriad of "good" reasons why it couldn't happen just yet. I got tired of waiting, and I left. A few months later, he DID leave is W, he did get another job, etc... it was too late. I had moved on with my life with someone else and had no desire at that point to go back. Part of the reason was that after three years, I realized he was never going to get his life together the way *I* needed it to be, for me to be happy with him long term. Another part was because it seemed only when I left him did action actually take place, (get a job, save money for his own place, etc.) and then when I'd go back to him, he'd take three steps back (lose the job, out of money, etc.). So I was done with it.

If this is what's happening in your R now, the pattern will not change once he leaves. It might be applied to different things, but it will still be there. Can you live with that?

Best of luck to you, Hope.

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 2:35pm
I would never rely on someone else to provide me with the happiness I desire. Therefore, if he can not be to you what you need him to be which is obviously a full-time friend and lover than I would suggest you move forward with your life. I believe if things are meant to be they will be...but you will end up bitter and resentful if you continue waiting and he never becomes what you are asking him to be to you.

*hugs*

Liberal
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 6:31pm
Here's something I learned in a business class I took a few years ago... Ask yourself, "What's my best alternative to this situation?" (Actually, the question is what is the best alternative to the negotiated agreement, but I am using some poetic license here.) What would happen if you parted ways? Does the answer to this question give you any more patience with OM?

It seems as though your OM is in flux right now. It's going to be difficult to pin him down until he gets some stability in his life. Maybe a new job would boost his confidence.

Pug

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 7:37pm
Hope,

No, he is not being reasonable. You know that. Or you wouldn't be here asking these questions. If YOU don't think he is being reasonable, then what difference would it make if WE did? He is not being reasonable, and you do not like the way he is being. This has been going on for way too long. You need to get away from this guy and get yourself into recovery. You will be so much happier once you do that. Pull off that bandage - it only hurts for a second!