time to get serious or its gonna be over

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2009
time to get serious or its gonna be over
14
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 12:06am

Well, I think I have finally got it set in my head where the line in the sand is going to be.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 12:43am

wow. you are in a bind. ok, so both of you are married. i hope he sticks to his word. does he have children? if so, what are their ages? cause you know that can be a factor. also finances. i see you have a hard time dealing with this. "Our A started the same time my M ended". sounds like an exit affair. so when you started it, your marriage was practically over then?

"This A was the last thing he ever expected to be involved in and it is the first time he ever has been unfaithful." in some cases, people really don't plan to be in an affair, it just happens. especially with people who start as friends. having been involved with a mm before (ours started by being very attracted to each other), i am aware that affairs can start with people just being friends. so i am very careful with my married male friends. cause i don't want to be the ow again.

"My desire and intention has never been and never will be just to be the OW." you ARE LIKE ME. i agree with this 100%. don't know if you saw my post about"what kind of ow are you?" read it if you have not already done so. you sound like a category 3, based on the categories i had in that post. my dear, i cannot settle for just being the ow. if i start as the ow, i have to move up to the wife category. i can't just be satisfied with being the ow. not good enough for me at all.i want the man for myself. when you fall in love with them, then that is the hard part. even if i started out as category 1 (see my post)or category 2 for that matter, i know i would end up in category 3, as i can't just be involved with a man (married or not) without being deeply attached to him.

"AP finally acknowledged to me that he knows "for sure" that he wants us to be together and he is ready to take steps to end his marriage. ". hope things work out for you. keep us posted.

k2002
k2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 8:41pm

alive,


I understand how you feel. Ap and I have broken up so I understand what you are going through. Being the ow became too unbearable so something had to be done. I think your timeline is a good one.


He shouldnt celebrate their anniversary if he's really ready to be done. That would be silly and then make it even harder for him to leave the marriage after celebrating it. If he does go through with the anniversary then I would tell him it's over b/c the longer it goes on the harder it gets and the longer you may have to wait and continue being the ow.


Then maybe if you do walk away(i know how difficult that will be) He may get some fire under him and take action if he doesnt want to lose you. I hope it goes the way you want. Let us know

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 10:19pm

"He shouldnt celebrate their anniversary if he's really ready to be done."

true true. but you know, some of these men are so hypocritical. nothing has been going on in the marriage for years and before they end it and move on with their lives, they celebrate big time and create excitement. "oh ________ and i have been married for ________ years." and everyone offers their congratulations when for _________ of those years, they haven't slept in the same bed. can you imagine that.

"that would be silly and then make it even harder for him to leave the marriage after celebrating it. If he does go through with the anniversary then I would tell him it's over b/c the longer it goes on the harder it gets and the longer you may have to wait and continue being the ow."

you got that one right, girl. trust me and you may wait for years. i had to wait for 6 years before my x-mm left his wife.when he left her, i was with him for 4 more years while he was separated and he took so long to start filing for divorce, i had to leave him.

k2002
k2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 11:16pm

Wow,


K2002, that's a long time to wait. Did you guys ever end

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2009
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 12:13am

Hi Caribu,


About the anniversary, I know that they wouldn't "celebrate" it so much... it would just come and go.. not special cards, dinner or whatever - so it wouldn't be some big event or anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2009
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 12:39am

Hi K2002,


Yes, I followed your post on the type of OW and I am definitely a #3.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 3:09pm
just a note about why he would want to be with you...let me explain something to you...a man is going to be with you because he wants to...so if the opportunity comes to you because his wife kicks him out or leaves him..why would you feel a particular way about it?

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 3:14pm
i so agree with you...but i also agree that men do leave their wives..and there really is no 2 year rule..if they don't leave within the first two years ....... not so..they leave at any time...6 mos...4 years, 2 mos and after 20 years of being in an affair..it depends on the man...and if they want to leave...everyone is different..

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 9:47pm

Alive,


Please keep us posted. I hope ur doing ok today. I'm hanging in there. It's difficult somedays but I'm managing. thanks for caring.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 11:18pm

i waited for 6 years for him to leave and he did, much to my surprise. he used to say that all when i am married, he has to make love to me still and I ALWAYS SAID NO. i read between the lines. that meant that he wasn't planning on leaving. i didn't know he was having problems with her as he kept the two relationships separate and didn't discuss problems with her with me. I WAS ALWAYS THE ONE BRINGING UP HER NAME PURPOSELY CAUSE I THOUGHT THAT IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE PRETENDING SHE WAS NOT IN THE PICTURE.

one day out of the blue, he told me they were separating and he has moved out of the matrimonial bedroom. I WAS SHOCKED. i could hardly believe my luck. so i did get him. so i was the only woman for four years, that is during the time he was separated from his wife. during that time, he dragged his foot regarding the divorce proceedings and i got tired of the explanations and reasons and decided i had to make a decision. i have gotten over him as it ended a long time ago.

"I just know I'm not willing to share him w/ his W or any other woman." i agree with you.

k2002
k2002

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