Time to leave has come and gone

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Time to leave has come and gone
15
Sat, 11-22-2008 - 6:43am

Hi all! Sorry I have been away so long I was in the hospital for 10 days. I was very, very sick w/ a double kidney infection, but I am all better now. At least physically.

I am sure that those of you who know me and my story will remember that I gave my AP until Christmas to be in his own place, and settled, or I was moving on. Then just to get his attention in September I told him that I wanted to see other people. I know it was very immature, but it worked...kind of. Two weeks later he comes to me and tells me he is two months ahead of schedule, and would be ready by October. Well, here we are mid-November, and he still at home w/ the W.

I got really upset yesterday when we began talking about Thanksgiving. I asked him what he was doing, and his reply was that his brother and his W, and her sister, and her H were coming over. I was like "Oh isn't that nice, couples Thanksgiving dinner at your house." "I am sure everyone will have a smashing time." and hung up. He calls me back, and I ask him how does he think that makes me feel. ANOTHER holiday alone.....that's F*cking fantastic!

The worst part of it all is he asked me for an extension on his move out date. I told him "Take all the time you need Honey." "But I won't be there." I just have this feeling that this years holidays are REALLY going to suck for me.

I feel so alone, and used. He says he loves me, and wants us to be a family, and I am the one who gave him a year to get his things in order, but I just feel like it's never going to happen.

This time of year is hard for me because my mom died on Dec 1, I lost a baby on Jan 1, and I had a brother die on Thanksgiving day, and another brother die on Feb 6th. So I usually get a little low around this time. Plus being in law enforcement I see so many kids that have NOTHING, and that usually upsets me too.

I am sorry guys, I hate to be a kill joy, I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sat, 11-22-2008 - 12:15pm

I guess the only thing that can be said in your situation is that there's a reason why he's not following through with leaving her, and it's probably NOT the reason he's telling you. Who knows what it really is. Maybe, when it all boils down, he just cannot deal with the guilt. Maybe he has doubts as to whether he truly wants to be with you. Maybe he really does love her, despite his protestations of otherwise. Only he knows the truth. But what's most important is you and how you're prepared to handle it. If it were me, I would be pretty much fed up and over it by now. I mean, for heaven's sake, you gave him a YEAR. What possible excuse could he give that would justify not tying up your loose ends in a year? Money? Well, money issues are pretty much universal and pretty much will always be there, barring winning the lottery. His "reasons" for needing this year must be becoming "excuses" and "alibis" for you by now. I would hope so. I mean let's face it, actions speak a he!! of a lot louder than words, and facts don't lie. People, however, do.

In all actuality, since it is the end of November, if he were really planning on leaving in December, he would have to have found a place, put down a deposit, made arrangements to hook up utilities, etc. by now. Has he done any of this? I remember you saying that he was staying to fix things around the house. In your knowledge, has he done this? Has he done any of this? And I mean for honest, to goodness, real? Has he set aside money for the change? Do you know this for a fact, meaning you've seen it with your own eyes? Look, I don't know you, and I don't know him, but I've read a lot of your posts, and it just seems like he isn't being honest with you. It just seems like in his heart of hearts, he doesn't really want to do this. Because if he truly, truly did, he would have been out of there a long time ago. Not dragging his feet. People drag their feet when they don't really want to do something. Now, I'm not saying it's because he loves and wants to stay with her. Maybe he really doesn't. Maybe it truly is because he just feels so guilty. But, still. If he thinks he's doing her any favors by staying with her out of guilt, he's wrong.

The bottom line is that you don't truly know what goes on behind the closed doors of his home. You know what he tells you. Again, people often lie. Especially people involved in affairs. I'm sure he has no desire to hurt you, either, and if he's had a change of heart about his wife and marriage, I'm sure he's dragging his feet in telling you, too. It seems to me that one of you has to be the bigger one and pull yourself out of the stalemate. I think it should be you. I'm not talking about playing games with him. I'm talking about making a stand for what you absolutely will not put up with any longer....and don't go back on that. You are the only one with the true power to change this situation. Either sit around from now until who the he!! knows when, waiting for him to finally be free, or get on with your life. Just because you have a child with him doesn't mean he is truly "the one". I'm thinking he isn't. I suspect that your head thinks so, too, but your heart is stuck. Maybe you should work on clearing the channels between your heart and head so that it can catch up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Sat, 11-22-2008 - 12:32pm
del


Edited 11/22/2008 2:10 pm ET by sexybabygirl2008
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sat, 11-22-2008 - 1:24pm
That's a silly thing to say. If you're on this board,you're in an affair. Shouldn't you be here to be supportive? This IS for real.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Sat, 11-22-2008 - 1:33pm
del


Edited 11/22/2008 2:09 pm ET by sexybabygirl2008
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sat, 11-22-2008 - 1:36pm

Learn how to spell correctly..kay, kay? You sound really childish. And what's really funny is the fact that you didn't even pick up on how I was quoting you in that post. ROFLMAO.

P.S...how you know it's real is from following her posts throughout this board, duh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Sat, 11-22-2008 - 1:42pm

..




Edited 11/22/2008 7:25 pm ET by cat.smack
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
Sat, 11-22-2008 - 3:25pm

Hi hon

Sorry you've been unwell :( And sorry that your AP has been a jackass. I am leaning towards the other comment though - you have given him plenty of time to get sorted and he hasn't.. maybe you gave him too much time?

I hope you're ok

D x

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Sat, 11-22-2008 - 5:36pm

dang girl we were in the hospital at the same time it sounds like..i got out last tuesday night...11/11/08 ..sorry to hear that you were ill...i hope you are taking care of yourself as well....you have to do what you know is best for you and your son right now.

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2008
Sat, 11-22-2008 - 10:20pm
Dear Justice,
Carrrrrried...away2
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 11-23-2008 - 12:12am

(((Justice)))


Just sending you a hug.


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