Tips? Answers? Help? Please respond

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Tips? Answers? Help? Please respond
5
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 8:52am
I have a few questions that I really need answered.

1. How do you continue a normal sex life with dh? (I hate for him to touch me now)

2. How do you control the jealousy of wife? (I am very jealous,even though I know they have not had sex in a year-she told me that)

3. If you are friends with the couple (his wife and him) how do handle the guilt,and all the other problems that come with that relationship?

4. How do you get away to be alone? I have one friend that knows (she is also in EMA)and she is my alibi but I wonder how some of you get away to be with them.

5. How do you keep your life in order when all you want to do is be with them or at least be talking to them?

6. How do I survive this? He wants to marry me bigtime and does not love his wife and everyone knows that-even her.

7. How do I keep myself from going nuts???????

My relationship with my MM started in the church!!!!! That is a major problem for me....anyone else had that problem? I am so scared God will kill me or him or both(while we are together is my biggest fear!)

She is very suspicious and jealous of me due to some phone calls that were made from his cell to mine. (yes I know we screwed up on that part! wish I had found this board before then!!!)

Sometimes I wonder why we are doing this,....I am not sure if it will ever work out for us to be together. I love him very much. He is my BEST friend and I don't want to lose that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 9:17am
Yikes, you have many many issues. I see advice from Free and Gurl written all over this one when they see it. Hang on, they will respond in time. They have been there and appear to have some wisdom you may benefit from. If anything, they will listen and communicate with you and be compasionate and understanding, for the most part.

Based on what you wrote, I can tell you my standpoint from observations of people I've known in similar situations...any advice you get on being with this person and tips on keeping secret may work for you in the short term, but your issues (jealousy, guilt, fear, obsessing with being with him, etc.) will have no quick fix and are usually extensions of something else...with our without the affair. Ask yourself hard questions. What has your H done to make you despise his touch? What is it about the W that makes you jealous? Is it just the fact that she is married to your lover or something deeper? Do you genuinely know he wants to marry you, or is it something he told you that you want to believe being that you don't like H's touch and you are jealous of his W? While there is a possibility this may not be the case with your lover, keep in mind that most men who engage in EMA's are in it primarily for the sex. They will do just about anything (to a point) and say just about anything to keep the sex coming until they feel otherwise about it. Some women involved in such relationships are like this too, but keep in mind most women give the sex in order to get emotional relationships and validation. So be careful.

Again, others will be able to offer more than what I said (and different), but my two cents is here for the taking. I am interested to see if anyone will respond to your fear about God killing you both, and how they will respond to that. You are obviously religious. While I'm do not consider myself as deeply religious, I know that what you are doing goes against everything you learn in church. Good luck and hang in there.

Pen


Edited 1/17/2004 9:21:12 AM ET by pensiveone

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 5:51pm
Thanks for responding to my post. This is the first time he has ever had an ema. I have before with my first hubby while we were seperated. I KNOW he loves me. I just know it. I have been dupped before by a real sweet talker and boy was I fooled but this man is not like that at all. I know beyond any shadow of any doubt that he loves me. I also know he wants to marry me. He said the only thing that is stopping him right now of leaving wife is what people would think of me from then on. He is wonderful. The sex came MUCH later than the actual affair. I mean we talked on the phone and in person for a long time before the sex came. And actually the first time that we were together with intentions of sex, it was sortof awkward because he was so nervous (he is 15 yrs older than I) about it. He had never done anything like that. I think I cringe at dh touch because I have just lost all feelings for him. I am an emotional attatchment person. As the old saying goes "If I give them a peice of ass, I give them a peice of my heart too!" LOL but that is how I am. I can only love one person at a time. I love dh but not a romantic love. I am jealous of her and I think that is because I love him so much....what else could it be? I mean I am not in this for the sex by any means. I mean neither of us started this with that in mind. It really was a great friendship that was carried further. Thanks for your help! This is the most awesome sight!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 6:21pm
Hi TROUBLE

I have to say you know how to get into trouble LOL :-)

I wish I had a lot of good advice for you but don't, except hang on to your heart your in for a roughride.

Your going to have to deal with God yourself he is your judge not me and I not going to say anything to get his attention!!!

Questions I would ask if I were you:: way a man 15 years older whats going on there. Did you start hating you husbands touch after the relationship started or before did his flaws get bigger after the R start even presex, if so it could suggest you have need to justify what you are doing.

If his wife is a firebrand type she may not give up tell she can prove what is going one and then expose you to the church body.

If you want to stay in the church you should back off, what ever you decide getting IC to answer the questions and to help deal with your emotions is a good idea.

GOOD LUCK

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 6:23pm

I trouble and welcome,


Firstly... I'll answer you're questions the best I can with the experience I've gained.


1. How do you continue a normal sex life with dh? (I hate for him to touch me now) Initially I did have problems with DH touching me... but I soon realised that the problems had nothing to do with MM, but were problems that were within our marriage.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 9:34am
THANK YOU!!!!! Your advice is so needed and appreciated! I am not sure of the life of me why I am in this situation. I must tell you this before I go on....I met my current hubby through an ema. We were involved and I truly did not love my ex-hubby at all. I knew that when I married him but thought I could make it work (I know-big mistake 16 yrs ago) but when I started ema with dh(present hubby) i did love him but was very young and inexperienced and he came over one day and just told me that he told his wife, he didn't even tell me he was gonna out us. BIG shocker! So I had no choice after that but to tell my ex and of course he filed for divorce, we moved to another town and started over. I SWORE i would never be in another ema again after going through the outing experience. But here I am. The one thing that is so different here is that my MM right now is JUST like me in everyway. I mean soooo many people have told us that we are so alike and a few have even commented that we act like a married couple (fighting and teasing and our likes and dislikes) this was PRE affair talk. He lets me be me. I wonder sometimes if my weight loss had anything to do with how I felt about myself-more confidence. I lost alot of weight and he is the only one who really noticed. I have to tell you though, he and I were REALLY good friends before ema started. I mean best friends. My husband is a different story. He is a very pessimistic person and I am just the opposite. Nothing is ever right, nothing is ever good from his stand point. I knew this when I married him but like I said, I thought I could change this one too! HA! of course there is not ONE thing I would change about my MM. He is just right. I do think the weight loss had some to do with it on my end. I have seen that happen before in other people. My husband's touch is just something I am not comfortable with anymore. He is not even physically attractive to me anymore. My MM is a very appearance contious person. He takes such pride in everything he does and says. My dh is not like that at all. He needs to lose weight so badly but refuses and says he likes himself the way he is, won't budge. I just need to get a handle on how my life is run. My house stay's in a mess cause I am always gone trying to see him or talk to him and he is the same way. Thanks for all of your advice you guys are wonderful, it is so nice to know I am not alone!!!